ALICE & MATILDA VS THE ZORIOUS BAZOO: Chapter 3: Rules, Rants and Ribbits

ALICE & MATILDA VS THE ZORIOUS BAZOO

CHAPTER THE THIRD

Rules, Rants and Ribbits
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So it was that Helterpot the Bold, Son of Snackjacket the Intrepid, Grandson of Beetletooth the Wise, Great Grandson of Kendalcake the Minty, and Great Great Grandson of Waterbutt the Leaky began to outline at great length the rules of the rhyming contest.

This took the equivalent of three weeks, but because time moves more quickly in the Bazoolah than it does in the world outside, it would only seem like a few minutes had passed to you or I.
That’s Bazoolah Magic for you.

Nevertheless, after sitting on the earth floor of the Bazoolah for three weeks, listening to the rude little goblin rant on, you can imagine how cold and hungry and fed up Alice and Matilda were, and eventually their poor sore bottoms had had enough.

‘So let me get this right,’ Alice nterrupted, ‘the rules are this: whatever you say to us, we have to answer you in rhyme?’

‘And whatever we say to you, you also have to answer in rhyme?’ added Matilda.

‘Yes,’ said the Bazoo.

‘And that took three weeks to explain?’ questioned Alice.

‘That’s right,’ said the Bazoo. ‘And now that you understand the complicated rules of the contest, we can begin.’

‘Just one question,’ asked Alice. ‘How do we know who has won or lost?’

The Bazoo stamped his feet and pulled on his ears, and his nose went an alarming shade of Murple. If you don’t know what colour Murple is then just you try upsetting a Bazoo, and you’ll see what I mean. The colour Murple is quite unmistakable.

‘Bug it, ye little rot-sniffers! Stop with all these crestions!’ yelled the Bazoo. ‘Blobviously, the one who has won is the one who is not a ribbit, and the ones who haven’t won is the ones who is quite clearly the STUPID, RAMSHUGGLING, CIRRIT-MUNCHING RIBBITS!’

Now, a short word about Anger.

Anger leads to Fear. Fear leads to Hate. Hate leads back to Anger. The A38 leads to the M5. Turn off the M5 onto the A30 and follow the signs to the A303. Exit onto the M3, turn off again at Junction 6 and once more you’re in Basingstoke. No good has ever come from Anger.

Anger is also one of the “less fun things” one can experience from time to time. It was invented (again by accident) not by Mister Hutchings, but by man known as Furious Steve, and he created not just one level of Anger, but five.

“The Five Anger Levels of Furious Steve” are used to measure the amount of Anger one can feel when one gets really, really mad.

Normally, when you or I get frustrated, such as when a seagull flies off with our shoes or when the refrigerator door closes behind us and we can’t get out – this would rate as Anger Level One. It is the lowest level of Anger one can experience.

We might be annoyed and we might want to express our annoyance by saying something like, ‘Merciful Zeus! It is both chilly and dark in here!”, but unlike the Bazoo we would not pull on our ears and stamp our feet. And our nose would not turn Murple (though if we were trapped in the fridge it might turn blue).

But Bazoo are very different to you or I. They do not handle Anger well. Anger Level One to a Bazoo will look more like a level three or four to us. And it can be quite alarming.

It is understandable then that Alice and Matilda were taken aback by the Bazoo’s outburst, and more than a little alarmed at the Murpleness of the creature’s nose. So taken aback were they that they didn’t dare argue the point any further.
‘Well then. Let the contest begin!’ shouted Helterpot the Bold.

Alice and Matilda held hands as they awaited the first round.

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END OF CHAPTER
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