Death Co: 9 Highway to Hell

9. Highway to Hell

     Getting to hell was easy enough. Without even a second glance I boarded the train leaving the main offices and soon found myself surrounded by the weeping and moping of the recently condemned. I seemed to be the only one who had boarded the train by choice (no surprise there). “The end of days is nigh!” Yelled a man in a white doctor’s coat, clutching a golden staff in his right hand. Grey hair hung from his face in tangled locks. He had been through the appeal process. Time had marked itself on his decaying face.

     “From the look of things, I would say very nigh.” I added helpfully, grabbing the edge of the train for support. Before he had a chance to aggravate at my sarcasm the floor fell from beneath us. The train had begun its blinding descent to the world beneath worlds. Temperatures rose and the inside of the train felt much like a toaster oven. The smell of bacon permeated the air, only I was 95% sure it wasn’t pork product I smelled.

     The ride ended just as suddenly as it began. It’s a quick trip, and one that most people wish was just a little longer. With a mighty crash the train careened into the station. The pleasant although somewhat disturbing smell of bacon was replaced by the disquieting atmosphere that accompanies sulfur. Windows were not provided on the train, and as such I was not prepared for what lay beyond the doors.

     When I disembarked, the scene was straight out of an apocalypse movie. Before me lay a massive molten river, broken only by occasional burnt hands reaching up from its depths. Outside I was greeted by two demons, dressed in black suits, pitchforks in hand (they have an image to maintain). “Alright, line up!” I moved to the back of the line, behind the quaking masses that had managed to slither out of the train. “When I come to you, state your name, and judgment. If you lie to me, and I will know, your punishment will increase by a factor of one rung. Am I understood?”

     A murmur of ‘yes’ came from the crowd. One by one they were called forward, and one by one their judgments were pronounced aloud. I watched as a lawyer, slightly more crooked than I had been was flung (via pitchfork) into the lava river. His screams echoed off of the walls (they’re designed for excellent acoustics), but quickly turned to terrified gurgles. In comparison to the office, it was almost tranquil.

     When the demon came to me he straightened his tie, and donned his best attempt at a smug smile. “You’re not supposed to be here.” He said quietly.

     I was nervous, but I held the shake in my hand to a mild tremble. “Ordinarily I would agree with you, but I’m here on business. I need to speak with Him.” They looked at each other and adjusted their pitchforks menacingly. “Look, guys, there’s no reason this has to get messy. I’ve got a gun, you’ve got spears, and it’s a tale as old as colonization. We all know how that played out.”

     It was my lucky day; I had met the two demons who could be intimidated by a requisition agent on home turf. In truth my gun had been deactivated the moment I stepped on the train. As a general rule, demons are cruel, but not strictly speaking intelligent. A good portion of them were jocks in high school, and at most had come into contact with textbooks as a tool for physical combat.  

     “Follow me.” Said the first, looking rather sheepish about the exchange. He led me past burning river, a quaint, but macabre windmill of corpses, and eventually to a large, black, wooden door.

     “A little risky having a wooden door in a realm known for its fire don’t you think?” The demon did not respond, and instead knocked three times. The doors swung inward and a smell wafted out that nearly made me vomit on the spot.

     “In you go.” It felt a little too easy, and maybe that should have been a sign. Beyond the door was only darkness. It felt as though I was about to step off the edge of a very high cliff, but when the alternative is being skewered… I stepped through the door and into the darkness.

     There was a loud boom as the door shut behind me, and for a moment the darkness was absolute. Shortly after dim lights began warmed the walls around me. The room around me was a long hallway, flanked on both sides by large stone gargoyles, guarding a series of alcoves. It would have been slightly terrifying if the next thing I heard hadn’t been a sheepish voice from down the hall…