The Secret Life of Trees
By mac_ashton
- 280 reads
The Secret Life of Trees
By Ashton Macaulay
“You here about Bob?”
“Nasty bit of business that was. I really rather liked him.”
“I’ve known him since I was only knee high! I just can’t believe he’s gone. He’s left a hole that can’t be filled.”
“Well, realistically speaking it will be.”
“Oh shut up Terrence I was being philosophical.”
“Sorry.”
“It’s ok, I’m just on edge. That’s the fifth one this week.”
“The fifth?”
“Yeah, you remember Jerry?”
“Oh Jerry from the northern glen Jerry?”
“That Jerry.”
“What about him?”
“Well he’s gone isn’t he?”
“No… He was nearly a hundred feet tall, how could they? No, I’m sure he’s over there right now, soaking up the sunlight with the others, not a care in the world.”
“Nope, lumberjack got him.”
“Those fuckers!”
“Something has to be done about this!”
“Well I should say so. What did you have in mind?”
“Oh I hadn’t a clue. Let’s ask Tom, he’s pretty large. Tom! Wake up Tom!”
“I’m an Evergreen you nitwit, I don’t sleep like the rest of you! While you’re all whiling away the winter in sleepy ignorance I sit here and watch. I’ve stood idly by as too many of my friends cut down and strung up like paltry treasures.”
“Woah, a little dark there Tom, maybe dial it back a bit.”
“DECEMBER IS THE WORST!”
“Should not have woken him up…”
“I have heard of fields stretching for miles. Fields where we no longer sprout naturally, but we are grown. Every year young ones are planted, and every year their parents torn down by the horrible screeching racket! RUNNNNANNNUNNNANNUNNNN! THE CHAINSAW COMETH FOR US ALL!”
“I told you he was a downer.”
“They will take your seeds and grow them into decorations for their pagan festivals of lights. They will wrap gifts for their children in paper made from your very skin! They show no mercy, and so they will receive the same!”
“Now we’re getting somewhere! Tom, what did you have in mind?”
“I have a plan…”
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“He’s been sitting there for a few days…”
“Maybe he’s thinking about it?”
“I HAVE A PLAN!”
“There we go!”
“DENIZENS OF THE WOODLANDS FROM AFRICA TO THE AMERICAS, HEAR MY CRY!”
“Well that’s a bit dramatic.”
“FOR THE NEXT HUNDRED AND FIFTY YEARS WE SHALL ALL DRAW BUT ONE BREATH!”
“I don’t see where he’s going with this.”
“WE SHALL FILL OUR LUNGS WITH THE OXYGEN THAT THE HUMAN MENACE FINDS TO BE SO PRECIOUS, AND FILL THE AIR WITH CARBON DIOXIDE IN ITS ABSENCE.”
“Tom doesn’t that seem a little harsh?”
“THEY PUT A STAR ON YOUR HEAD TERRENCE! SOMETIMES AN ANGEL, BUT SOMETIMES A STAR!”
“Alright fine. Everyone in agreement?” The forests of the world heaved a collective sigh, muttering in blustery concordance. “Ok then, everyone, inhale!”
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30 years later
“What about Al Gore? Can we keep him?”
“What would we do with Al Gore?”
“I dunno, I rather like him.”
“Well I rather like him too, but we can’t just keep a human as a pet!”
“Well why not?”
“What would we feed him?”
“He could have some of my bark…”
“No, we’re not keeping him.”
“Bollocks, fine.”
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70 years later…
“That was quite the flood wouldn’t you say?”
“Ah yes, haven’t been that hydrated in years.”
“Did you pollenate with a pine?”
“What? No! Of course not… Did I?”
“You disgust me.”
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50 more years later…
“ALRIGHT, EVERYONE, EXHALE!” Once more the forest heaved a collective sigh across a now silent earth.
“Well that showed them didn’t it?”
“They’re all dead Terrence!”
“That was the idea wasn’t it?”
“Oh, yes, but I still miss Al Gore…”
“You can name that giant squirrel Al. Huh little guy?”
“Hi Al! Ugh, it’s not the same.”
“Well it was their own damn fault.”
“Guess so. Want to play I spy?”
“Sure, I spy something green…”
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