Death Calls, Chapter 6, The List

6. Death Calls

I go home with a sick feeling in my stomach- guilt. Guilt for knowing that Lily is going to die. I contemplate how I could let them know, how I could let them know there isn’t that much time, but I don’t see any way, without revealing who I am.

Would they even want to know? Surely it is better to have hope? Surely it is better to be ignorant? I knew what was coming for only a short time before my death and it was agonising. I don’t even know how long Lily has left. It could be days. It could be months. It all depends on the List.

I trudge up to my bare and hostile room. I live in a derelict old house. The boss sorted it out for me. No one comes near because it reeks of Death; no one questions my living here, on my own.

Staring up to the faded blue ceiling, I feel frustrated- I can’t shake the guilt. It eats away at my consciousness, and I don’t know what to do.

I picture Rose’s face and this helps a little. Feelings of warmth and happiness slip in. I don’t understand my feelings towards her. I didn’t even know I could have feelings any more. But I do. I have very strong feelings for Rose White.

But what do I feel? I know that I like her. I know that I like her family. I know that I felt instantly better the moment I laid eyes on her. I know I like her skin with the freckles dotted on it. I know I like the striking green of her eyes. And I know I like her because she’s my friend and she’s not afraid of me.

Yet there’s something else. I want to protect her from pain. I don’t want her to feel the pain of losing a sister; I don’t want her to know that kind of loss. I want her to stay the same Rose, the Rose that I... love? Perhaps. I’m not sure. I only know that I want to keep her safe.

For the first time in twenty years of my after-life, I dream vividly that night. And it’s a dream of Molly. I see her straggly dark hair and her clumsy limbs. We’re playing football. She was always a tom-boy. She’s running away from me, dribbling the ball. She trips over it, landing in a heap. I laugh and scoop her up. She laughs back at me. That wonderful sound.

The laughs turn to screams. Molly is wailing. There’s a dark figure standing over us. I hug her tightly, but she slips away. I call out for her, but I have no voice. She’s still screaming. I call her name again. No sound. The dark figure leers over me.

I wake up in a pool of sweat. My eyes feel fuzzy, how they feel when I want to cry. Only I can’t cry. I haven’t cried since I died. Molly’s face is fresh in my mind. I shake my head to shake her out. I can’t think of her; it’s too painful.

Haphazardly, I shower and brush my teeth. I wolf down six slices of toast with a cup of coffee. The food gives me new energy. I can forget the past. I can focus on now. That’s what he said I have to do. Either now or the future, but there is no going back.

The now hits me hard in my stomach, a burning sensation in my gut. I grasp desperately for the List. Jessica Kent. The name shines blood red. I shove my school bag over my shoulders, then I give into the sensation and travel towards Death.

I’m surrounded by trees. The wind is fierce and the ground is wet. It’s been raining. Jessica sits slumped against a tree, sobbing. I scan around to locate her body, but I can’t see it. She continues to sob.

‘Jessica? Jessica Kent?’

I approach her slowly. Her mascara has run down her face. She can’t be more than twenty. She’s pretty.

‘W-w-who are you?’ she sobs.

‘I’m here to help you.’

I offer her my hand. She’s shaking uncontrollably, but she takes it.

‘I d-don’t understand!’ she sobs again.

‘What happened?’ I say plainly.

‘H-he came from nowhere! Wanted m-my b-bag. I gave it him but...b-but... he had a k-knife!’

‘I understand, Jessica. Shh, I understand. Where did it happen?’

She points a shaking finger deep into the trees, her face twisted with terror. I take a deep breath. This is going to take a while.

‘Alright, Jessica, we’re going to go and look. I won’t let anything happen to you. Come on, trust me.’

She nods her head and takes my hand. She’s ice cold.

‘Who are you?’ she says again.

‘You know who I am.’ I say simply.

It’s true. We all know Death when it comes along. Deep down. We just try to deny it.

‘B-but I d-don’t want-’

‘Shh, Jessica,’ I interrupt her, ‘one step at a time.’

Her body lies slumped against a tall oak tree, her white shirt covered in crimson blood. The Jessica beside me lets out a wail. Falling into my chest, she sobs uncontrollably once more.

I let her cry a while. I let her take in what has happened to her. All the time, I think of Rose, of how Rose will react when her sister goes. And I think of Lily. How will Lily take it?

‘Jessica?’ I say when her sobs quieten.

‘Yes?’ she whispers.

‘It’s time.’

She looks up at me with frightened eyes.

‘I don’t want to,’ she whispers, ‘I don’t want to be dead.’

‘You are. There’s no changing it. You need to move on.’ I say plainly.

She takes another look at her body. She sinks down onto her knees. Finally, she looks back to me.

‘Will you make sure they find me? Make sure they find my body?’

I hesitate.

‘I’m not really allowed to interfere, Jessica.’
Her expression sinks.

‘But this is a public forest. Look, there’s a walking path. You were walking on it. Someone will find you.’

She smiles a little, relieved at my pathetic words of comfort.

‘Alright,' she whispers, her voice still shaking, 'God, I wasn’t ready to go. I had so much to do.’

‘I know.’ I sigh.

‘My parents,' she continues shakily, 'they’ll be heart-broken.’

‘Yes.’ I reply plainly.

‘Can I see them? Before I go?’ she asks hopefully.

‘No time, I’m afraid. But you can watch down on them. I’m sure.’

‘How do you know?’

‘Just a rumour. But I’m pretty sure it’s true.’ I smile.

Then she takes my hand and I lead her off towards the emerging white lights. We stop at the gateway.

‘Won’t you come with me?’ she whispers.

‘Not yet.’ I smile.

And then she’s gone. Vanishing imperceptibly into that unknown space, beyond the living world.