The Ambulance Chaser 12(b)

Neil called at his local branch of St John Ambulance.  There was a big garage down a back lane where the ambulances were kept.
"I heard you're selling a St John Ambulance," said Neil, to two men in what looked like old police uniforms and yellow high viz jackets who were busy cleaning a large white vehicle with two buckets of water, a mop and a sponge.
"It's the little one we're selling," said one of the men, leading Neil through a door into another garage where there was an old white ambulance the size of an ice-cream van and a strong smell of diesel.  "It's 20 years old, built to last.  The steering wheel vibrates when you do more than 50 but the mechanic says there's nothing wrong with it.  The vehicle was never designed to do more than 45 miles an hour."
"I'll give you £900 for it."  Neil held out a pile of £20 notes in his hand.
"Great," said the man.  "I'll get the keys and the log book."

 

A week later Neil was driving through London in the ambulance. A homeless man was lying unconscious on the ground with a crowd of people gathered around him.  Neil stopped the vehicle and got out of the driver's door.  Peter jumped out of the back door of the ambulance carrying a portable, clip together metal stretcher. Neil and Peter split the stretcher down the middle into its two detachable halves.  Each of the two men held one of the two sections and pushed them under the unconscious man, forcing them together until the mechanical locks on the top and bottom of the stretcher came together with two loud clicks.  This caused the homeless man to feel an uncomfortable sensation, like being cut in half with a pair of metal scissors, and he woke up.
"Don't get into that ambulance," someone shouted. "They're not from the ambulance service. They're a cult.  They've got a farm on the south coast.  It's like the film The Killing Fields."
"Is that true?" he asked. "Are you a cult?"
"We've got a farm on the south coast," said Neil.
"Are you going to take me there?"
"Yes, that's where we're going," said Peter.
"The thing is, this is a really horrible winter.  Temperature in single figures. Light rain all the time. This feels colder than snow. I wouldn't mind doing some farming on the south coast. Better than being a homeless drug addict in this weather, it's all right in the summer."

They all got into the ambulance and Neil drove back towards the farm along the M25. A police car came in front of him with flashing blue light and a fluorescent Stop sign. The police car stopped and Neil stopped behind it. A policeman got out of the car. He was holding a small tablet computer and looked angry. Neil wound the window down.
"Your ambulance isn't insured."
"Yes it is."
"Prove it. Have you got the documents?"
"Not with me, no. They're in the office at the farm."
"Can you phone them?"
"I'll try." Neil picked up his mobile phone and rang the farm office. "There's no one there."
"You're coming with us." 

 

Neil sat in a cell at the police station for what seemed like hours. A big muscular sergeant came into the cell. Neil got off the bench, where he was lying, and walked right up to him.
"Officer, there's nothing wrong with the insurance on the ambulance and there's nothing wrong with my driving licence."
"We know. I wanted to ask you why you do it. Why do you drive around London, in an old ambulance, looking for drug addicts to kidnap? Do you keep them imprisoned against their will?"
"All they have to do is tell us where they want to go and we'll print out a bus ticket on the computer. We'll give them a lift to the station."
"Do you use them as a source of slave labour?"
"We pay them the minimum wage."
"Why do you do it, then?"
"The only people in the 21st century who are living a life free from the pursuit of money and possessions are homeless people and drug addicts. If you want to build up Christian community, that is what you have to find."

 

A Chinese student sat on the old settee that smelt of baby's urine in the lounge at the farm.
"What is your Chinese name?" asked Matthew.
"My real name is Kirkuwunderamula Fuzzlebopilpipz Kunderlongadula but my English teacher calls me Tabitha because I was good at looking after her cat." Tabitha's parents had arrived.
"I am looking forward to staying here overnight," said her father. "Oh, to spend an evening with a nice normal English family."  Pastor David sat down on the settee and said,

"It's my turn to lead the meeting tonight.  I've got no teaching planned but I'll get my guitar and I'll sing some songs." He looked up at the wall at the bracket where the guitar was normally kept. "Where has my guitar gone?"

"That's all right, Pastor," said Matthew.  "We'll listen to the Bible on the computer."  Matthew looked at the desk where the lap top was usually kept.  "Where has the lap top gone?"

"That's OK," said Colin. "I've got a very interesting blog on the future of the church on my tablet. I'll just get it from my bedroom."  A few minutes later, Colin returned to the lounge looking very upset. "Someone's pinched my tablet. It was a fiftieth birthday present from my mother." At that moment, Bob's mobile phone began to play the song,

"Hey, Mister Tambourine Man, play a song for me." Bob took the phone out of his pocket.

"Bob," said Matthew. "That's a really horrible old phone. Don't you want to get a new one?"

"I had a decent mobile phone but I took it down to cash converters."

"Along with all the other expensive things that have disappeared from this house," said Matthew. "Bob, you've got to get rid of your bad habits."

 

Gary was trying to park a car he had bought on a website for £200. There was not much room in the car park at the farm. Gary slammed his rusty purple hatchback into a white Ford Transit van that belonged to one of the church businesses. Frustrated, he came flying backwards in reverse gear, forcing Neil, who was trying to get into the farmhouse, to step out of the way. Gary came back into the car park again, unintentionally hurtling towwards Neil, who was now talking into his phone.
"Emergency, which service do you require please?"
"I don't know. Police? Ambulance? Both of them? There's a mad man in the car park. He's trying to kill me."
"Where are you?"
"Piddledon Farm."
"Not again." Gary made another attempt to park and slammed into Pastor Boris' Range Rover. He reversed into the garden wall. He brought the car back again, denting the 2 side doors of the 4 door estate car that belonged to Tabitha's father. Gary narrowly missed reversing into the policeman who was standing behind him holding a breathaliser. Gary wound the window down.
"Is something the matter, Officer?"
"Blow into the breathaliser, Sir." A teenage girl called Maggie shouted out of the back door.
"Officer, my boyfriend is not drunk, he's just really crap at parking."

 

Dinner had arrived in the lounge at the farm. Pastor David had a heavy cold. In between each mouthful of vegetarian shephard's pie, he made a very loud sniffle. Terry picked up an electric hedge trimmer and pushed it right into Pastor David's face.
"Stop making that disgusting noise!" Pastor David and his wife Sarah ran up the stairs. Terry ran after them into their bedroom. He flicked his thumb on the switch on the hedge trimmer.
"Why won't it turn on, why won't it turn on?"
"You haven't plugged it in," said Sarah.
"You stupid woman. What did you tell him that for?" Terry looked around the room for a plug. David brought him down with a rugby tackle. Terry punched David in the face. Terry had momentarily let go of the hedge trimmer, which David now grabbed and threw out of the window.

 

Peter took a shower that evening. The glass door of the shower became the screen of an old black and white television and his father appeared on it.
"I am very disappointed in you, Son, very disappointed. When I think of how much I wanted you to achieve, how much I hoped for -"
"-That's because you won't let me live my life, I always have to live your life. Why don't you just leave me alone?"
"Son, you have completely wasted your life, you were always the blacksheep of the family."
"I wasn't the blacksheep of the family. I haven't done anything wrong."
"You smoke skunk and you smoke spice. It rots your brain."
"That's because you forced me to join the army and I had a nervous breakdown." Peter had to get rid of this apparition by smashing the television. He smashed the glass door of the shower against the sink with a brutal thud. It was toughened glass. He had to strike the glass door against the sink over and over again. Eventually the glass cracked and gave way, with the remains of his father's apparition still ranting away, "You are a very, very silly boy. You can't hold a job, your wife left you, do you think that is normal?" With one last smack, Peter shattered the last piece of toughened glass.

 

Jeremy stood on the stairs in the middle of the night, gazing hatefully towards Rachel's room.
"You won't have to worry about me swearing in front of your children anymore because you and your children will be dead," he muttered to himself. What could he find in his room that would start a fire? All sorts of things. A box of tissues. Magazines. Books. He made a pile of magazines and books on the stairs and covered it all in tissues. In the centre, on top of everything else, he put the empty cardboard box the tissues had been in. He set this box on fire with his cigarrette lighter. Within minutes, the fire was well ablaze. Pastor David had been watching a video encouraging people to get up in the middle of the night and to pray for several hours. At 3 o' clock, David answered his body's call to go to the toilet and then decided to go downstairs to pray. Except he couldn't. The stairs were on fire. That was very unusual. Pastor David filled the bath with water and threw in a bath towel. He then threw the soaking wet bath towel over the fire on the stairs. It went out completely. But what was going on? Two life threatening experiences in one day. Oh Lord, bless this house, cleanse this house from all evil. Pastor David stayed there praying for several hours.

 

When Gerald got up in the morning he saw the smashed glass in the shower room and the scorched carpet on the stairs.
"Why is this place like a psychiatric hospital?" he asked Matthew.
"Because Neil was a psychiatric nurse who had to give up the job when he had a mental breakdown. He likes to run the house as if it was his own personal hospital ward and fill it with all his patients."  Tabitha's mother was with her husband and daughter examining the damage to her father's car.
"Oh Tabitha," said her mother, "I am so glad you only have to stay in England for three more months. It is so dangerous for you."