Animal Magic

Pastor David sat in a room with the other leaders of the church. They were having Sunday breakfast together.
"I haven't got time to preach any sermons for the next three months," he said, in between mouthfuls of toasted slices of wholemeal bread with cream cheese. "I need to concentrate on my theology course."
"Why are you doing a theology course?" asked Magnus. "I thought you had a degree." Pastor David took a sip of coffee.
"I have a theology degree but I was very disappointed by my results in the final year. The college course in theology is equivalent to the final year of a degree. A chance to learn more and improve my academic results."
"Pastor David," Stanley said crossly, "you shouldn't be doing this course if it compromises your ability to function as a pastor. How are we supposed to manage without your preaching for 3 months?"
"No one is an indispensable member of the team."
"Pastor, that is stupid," said Stanley. "Last year I was on holiday and I got an all day ticket on the Tyneside Metro underground. I visited Gateshead, the town where I used to live ten years ago. The Oxfam shop where I used to be a volunteer had closed. The local branch of St John Ambulance which I used to belong to had closed. Some people are indispensable members of the team. That's why you go back there in ten years time and the team isn't there anymore."
"I think we'll be all right Stanley," said Matthew. "Pastor David can't preach anyway. I never regarded him as being one of those gifted preachers."
"You don't think I'm very good?" asked Pastor David.
"You talk about your own personal problems," said Matthew, "but you don't develop the ideas very well. If I was talking about a problem I had in my life, I'd tell you amazing stories about how God had helped me throught it."
"Well volunteered, Matthew," said Pastor David. "I will put you first on the rota. You can preach two weeks today."
"That's great. I've wanted to be a church leader since I went to school in short trousers."
"Have you Matthew? Why do you want to be a church leader?" asked Stanley. Matthew went quiet and thoughtful.
"Why, why?" Matthew said out loud to himself, feeling deeply convicted. "I can see now. My desire to be a church leader is completely selfish. 'It's all about me, Jesus, It's all about me, I just want my name in lights. It's not about you, no one ever does things your way. I'm a famous preacher and the angels stand and gaze.' Such selfish reasons. No wonder God made me wait so long to be recognised. But 2 weeks today and I'm going to realise my vocation."

On Monday morning Pastor David was sitting behind the screen of his laptop computer doing a Zoom call as part of his college course.
"My presentation on the subject of Ethics," said Pastor David. "How do we decide whether something is right or wrong?" At that moment the small black and white cat came into the room and meeowed at Pastor David very loudly. Pastor David picked up a large brush. "A moral dilemma. Should I chase the cat out of the room with this brush? You've heard of the just war argument. This is the just broom argument. Should I chase the cat out of the room with my broom and would that be for the common good?"
"I think that depends on what people perceive to be the common good," asked Suzie.
"The common good of humans or the common good of everyone including the cat?"
"Humans have always come first and animals have always come second," said Pastor David, still holding the broom and staring at the cat. "That's just the way it is."
"You're presenting a very powerful argument," said the teacher. "Does anybody else have any reflections on this moral dilemma?"
"We don't want you to chase the cat out of the room," said Jane. "We like the cat."
"What's it's name?" asked John.
"The cat's called Panda."
"Is it a boy or a girl?" asked Suzie.
"It's a girl."
"Panda is trying to be nice to you," said Jane. "And this is the thanks that she gets. Just stroke her, that's all she wants." Pastor David put the brush down and began to stroke Panda, who started purring very loudly.
"This is very distracting," said Pastor David. "This is really effecting my concentration."
"But you've made an excellent point," said the teacher. "Compassion might be the right thing to do but it isn't always easy. Don't expect that, if your intentions are good, things will work out first time. Compassion can be costly."
"War can be costly," said Suzie. "Think what the health service would be like if we could take all the money that is spent on the military and spend it on hospitals and nurses."
"We live in a fallen world," said Pastor David. "To have no army, no navy and no air force would just be a suicide policy."
"Not necessarily," said John. "The Bruderhof church wanted all the Jews from Nazi Germany to be allowed to emigrate to England. Hitler wanted Britain out of the war. He only wanted the Jews to emigrate, didn't imagine he would end up having to kill them. Letting all of Germany's Jews emigrate to England, instead of having a war, would have solved both problems."
"John, you'd have to get the Jews out of Germany," said Pastor David, "You think you would have stood up to the Nazis. If you stood up to the Nazis you'd get your neck broken. People in Germany would have been risking their lives if they helped the Jews to escape to England. The Gestapo would shoot you or take you to a concentration camp."
"Helping a Jewish family escape might still be safer than fighting in a war," said John. "I believe in passive resistance. Passive resistance is not the same as doing absolutely nothing."
"What about the kind of moral dilemmas we face?" asked Pastor David. "I'll tell you my big moral dilemma I am facing at the moment. Should I take Panda to the vet and have her put to sleep?"
"Why?" asked Suzie.
"She's an old cat and she poos on the floor at night when she's asleep."
"Would you take your grandmother to the vet if she pooed everywhere?" asked Jane.
"Panda wakes everybody up with her loud meeowing at six o' clock every morning because she wants to be fed."
"Well, get up at six o' clock in the morning and feed her," said Suzie.
"Panda didn't used to be like this. When she was 10 years younger, I just put regular cat food in her dish twice a day, and she would come to me to be stroked all the time, like a faithful independent pet. No long hours spent cooking chicken and fish because she's got to be on such a strict diet."
"Perhaps when things and people get a little bit older," said Jane, "they need more looking after."
"You don't know what it's like to live with this animal," said Pastor David, furiously. "Here you are Jane, you can have Panda if you like her so much. I'll give her to you to adopt."

Matthew met some homeless men who were sitting at the side entrance to a supermarket.
"I'm going to make a website to help homeless people," said Matthew. "People will be able to look at my website and know where the facilities to help homeless people are in their area. Then, when they meet a homeless person, they'll be able to give them advice." One of the homeless men pulled a mobile phone out of his jacket pocket.
"Will I be able to see this website on my mobile phone?"
"Yes, you will, Gary," said the other homeless man, "as long as you have a modern iphone with a modern SIM card. You should be able to view a website with a £6 a month SIM card, it's only when you're doing Zoom or watching Youtube that you run out of data. You need a £20 a month SIM card to do that."
"I notice that facilities for homeless people are better in London," said Matthew.
"They're better anywhere than they are here," said Gary, laughing.
"Why don't you get a train from Bournemouth to London? You can travel to London for nothing in the middle of the night."
"We don't want to be where facilities are good," said Gary. "In London people overhear us discussing which hostel we're going to go to for breakfast. They don't give us anything."
"Homeless people want to be in places where facilities are rubbish," said the other homeless man. "People give you more money if they feel sorry for you."

Louisa was sitting in the lounge in the farmhouse. It was late in the evening.
"How would everybody feel if I had a baby -" Matthew leapt off his chair.
"- Oh Louisa! Is it love at last? Have my prayers been answered? Do you want to marry me and have my baby?" 
"What are you talking about?" Louisa looked completely gobsmacked and bamboozled. "I was just about to say, how would everybody feel if I had a baby kitten." She showed Matthew a photograph on the mobile phone she had bought for £39.95. It was a small cat with long white hair. "My friend's cat has had a litter of kittens and she's going to give me this one. I'm going to call her Pom Pom."

A large group of people stood on the grassy hill at Piddledon Farm beside a bonfire that blazed into the cold winter's night. Stanley lit some fireworks that flew, like little green dots, to high altitude and then exploded like military rockets. Pastor David's mobile phone beeped in his pocket. He took it out. There was an email asking people to sign a petiton. On it was a photograph of Panda. 'Panda must not be taken to the vets to be put to sleep. 8 million signatures.' A police car came down the lane that led from the main road to the farm. A policeman and a police woman got out of the car.
"It's covid 19 restrictions," said the policeman. "No large gatherings allowed."
"We live together," said Pastor David.
"What?" asked the police woman. "All 37 of you?"
"Yes," said Matthew. "It's fantastic living with other Christians."

Rachel's children were petting the white long haired kitten who was called Pompom. Pompom began to lick one of her front legs vigorously.
"Why is the cat eating itself?" asked Tommy.
"I don't know," said Shona. "It must be hungry." Cheryl ran to the kitchen, took a slice of ham out of the fridge, and returned with the slice of ham on a plate.
"You don't have to eat yourself, Pompom," she said. "Here's some food." Pompom pulled the slice of ham from the dish in Cheryl's hand on to the floor and ate it, purring loudly. Having finished the ham, Pompom walked into the hall and stood behind the front door. Here she was met by the huge Staffordshire Bull Terrier. The bulldog growled and barked at Pompom, running at her with big teeth glaring and jaws snapping, as if about to eat her.
"Tinker Bell!" called the owner. The bulldog had a small bell attached to its collar which it had worn since it had been a puppy. A puppy no longer, the bulldog was a huge monster but still wore this silly little bell and was still called by the same silly little name. Taking absolutely no notice of its owner, Tinker Bell continued his display of aggression towards Pompom and contempt towards all feline kind. Pompom was at the bottom of the stairs. She hopped onto the seat of the stairlift and pressed the button to make it go. Pompom disappeared up five flights of stairs.

The next Sunday, Matthew had decided to preach a sermon on how God had helped him to overcome his personal problems.
"A reading from The Imitation of Christ by Thomas A Kempis. 'It is no great thing to mingle with the good and the meek, for this is naturally pleasing to all, and every one of us willingly enjoyeth peace and liketh best those who think with us: But to be able to live peaceably with the hard and perverse, or with the disorderly, or those who oppose us, this is a great grace and a thing much to be commended and most worthy of a man.' What do you think of the people you live with in community? Are they good and meek or are they perverse and disorderly? Do they think like you think or do they oppose you?"
"I think it's a mixture of the two," said Rachel. "Some people I get on with and some people I don't get on with."
"Do you get on with me?" asked Louisa.
"Oh Louisa," said Matthew, "everybody gets on with you because you're wonderful. I like you more than I've ever liked anybody."
"I think it's the practical problems of everyone having to share the same kitchen," said Stanley. "Yesterday I wanted to cook my breakfast and I couldn't find a spare gas ring. I think we need two cookers."
"I think, if everybody's going to cook their own food, we need two kitchens," said Maria. "It wasn't like this in the old days. You had a team of domestic sisters. But now young women don't want to be domestics."
"We need two kitchens and three cookers," said Pastor David. "That would prevent the mayhem that we had yesterday."
"Hardship draws people closer together," said Matthew. "We may not all get on to the cooker when we want to have breakfast but you can always have toast."
"Stanley was using the toaster," said Pastor David. "I had a cake. I know they're unhealthy but it's good to keep a tray of cream cakes and sausage rolls somewhere so that you can grab one at breakfast time or lunch time. There may be nothing else you can eat."
"We trip over eachother in the laundry room," said Matthew. "Sometimes the washing machines are all full of clothes. But it's very easy to take the clothes out of the washing machine, when it's finished its cycle, and put them in the tumble drier."
"So you're the one who does it," said Louisa. "The number of times I've come and found my washing creased, ruined and unironable because someone has put it in the tumble drier."
"Matthew, just put other people's laundry in a washing basket in front of the washing machine," said Rachel. "Then people can do with it what they like. We don't all want our laundry tumble dried."
"You said you were going to tell some amazing stories about how God had helped you through your personal problems," said Pastor David. "Tell me something positive about this, Matthew."
"I think that all of these things draw us closer together as a community. Learning patience in the midst of adversity helps us to love one another. The Lord has given me a very strong love for the young women in this church." Louisa laughed out loud.
"I should hardly think the Lord has anything to do with that," she said.
"Yes he does," said Matthew. "God wants Christians to love one another with a passion. God wants brothers and sisters to love one another with purity. In the book of Second Corinthians, God loves a laughing, hysterical giver. God loves it when Christians love one another in a manner that is laughing and hysterical."
"Matthew, I think you're a very emotional person," said Valerie.

Panda and Tinker Bell met eachother in the hall at the farm.
"Ruff, ruff!" said Tinker Bell.
"Miaoou!" said Panda. Panda stood on her hind legs, stretched her front legs upwards and hissed. She swished her front paws about and extended her claws in a manner that was intended to demonstrate that, even if a Staffordshire bulldog was four times her size, she would still find it extremely easy to tear its eyes out. Tinker Bell made a loud crying noise. He had always been the bully. No animal had ever back answered him in this way before. Tinker Bell jumped on the stair lift, pushed the button and disappeared up five flights of stairs.