Baa Baa Green Sheep

In the lounge at Piddledon Farm, one of several tablets that had been bought for £49.99 was standing against a biscuit barrel, an affordable form of smart TV. Someone was watching a documentary by David Attenborough. A big, fierce looking chimpanzee appeared on the screen.
"This is David," said David Attenborough's voice. "He has authority over the pack of chimpanzees." Another chimpanzee was fighting with what looked like a much weaker and thinner chimpanzee. "An attack on an elderly female. David can not tolerate this." David gave a severe beating to the chimpanzee who had attacked the elderly female. "But the other chimps are not happy with this punishment. They have rejected David and his authority." A huge crowd of chimpanzees were shown punching and kicking David together. He was then lying on the ground, looking as if he was dead.
"When they accuse you," said Pastor Boris, infuriated. "That's exactly how some people treat their church pastors."
"They can not stay here," David Attenbrough's voice continued. "The pack need to walk another 6 miles to find water. David's death has created a vacuum. Another chimp wants to become leader." A large fearsome chimpanzee appeared on the screen, screaming loudly. "He wants to cause fear, hoping that this will empower him to become leader." The same chimpanzee was seen picking up a rock and hurling it at a group of chimpanzees.
"That's right," said Pastor Boris. "Terrify them, intimidate them, bully them, then you'll become their leader."

Stanley arrived carrying several large boxes of cakes that were stacked together.
"Stanley has a special anointing for deliverance ministry," said Matthew.
"Do I?" asked Stanley, puzzled.
"Stanley has the greatest deliverance ministry ever. Stanley delivers the Friday night cakes."
"Is that what you mean, Matthew?" asked Stanley, laughing.
"I don't like those cakes," said Brian. "They've got no nutritional value at all. They will cause people in this church to die before they have finished the work God appointed them to do."
"If you feel like that, don't have any," said Stanley.
"I'm sure if I just had one it wouldn't do any harm." Brian took an apple pie out of the box.
"I don't think anyone in this church will die before their time," said Matthew, taking an iced doughnut covered with tiny marshmallows. "Nothing in this church ever wants to die. We keep the Friday night Bible study going, even though it's only got 3 people in it. We keep the International Christian Centre going, even though it's run out of money. Everything is always holding on to the fag end of life. It's also true of people. Roy Bundy didn't want to die. He was sitting, stinking in a pile of his own poo, still convinced that God was going to heal him. And that old cat, Tiger. If you had an old man or an old lady with that amount of weight loss, they wouldn't carry on for as long as 4 years, like Tiger did. No one in this church will ever die prematurely."

"Puff the magic dragon lived by the sea," sang Shirley to her 6 year old son, who was always with her at church meetings.
"I didn't think children sang that song anymore," said Matthew. "They might think the dragon was a homosexual. I think we should change the dragon's name to James. We should sing, 'James the magic dragon lived by the sea."
"Matthew," said Stanley, "Don't be silly. Singing James the Magic Dragon is like singing Baa, Baa Green Sheep."
"It's Baa Baa Grey Sheep," said Maria. "I went to school in the 1990s. The politically correct version of that song is Bas Baa Grey Sheep. A sheep can be grey. It might have been a grey sheep, for all we know."
"A sheep wouldn't be green unless it had been dyed that colour," said Matthew. "Probably by some environmental warrior who has also just finished slashing the tyres on the farmer's SUV. You can't say Baa Baa Black Sheep because it's unkind to black people. You can say Baa Baa Grey Sheep because greys are aliens and we haven't made interstellar contact yet. But I bet that, in 200 years time, we have made inter-stellar contact and you're not allowed to sing Baa Baa Grey Sheep either. What will we call it then? Well, we haven't met anyone in the universe who's magenta so let's sing Baa Bas Magenta sheep."

The Wednesday night Bible study was in Tracey's flat. The flat had a white carpet in the hall.
"Take your shoes off," said Tracey, to anyone who came through the door. There was a big pile of shoes in the corridor outside. Everyone sat together in Tracey's huge front room, which was also the kitchen. "Would anybody like a cup of tea?" asked Tracey.
"I'll have decaf," said Lynn.
"I'll have camomile tea," said James.
"Ordinary tea, community tea," said Matthew.
"I'll have ordinary tea," said Pastor Boris. "The economical supermarket tea bag with milk that we drink in community. You should learn the ways of community."
"I don't live in community," said Tracey.
"The Lord is working in your heart," said Pastor Boris. "You will be living with us in community one day. Nice flat. Is it yours?"
"Yes," said Tracey.
"Sell it and give the money to the church."
"One decaf, one camomile and 2 ordinary tea," Tracey muttered to herself. She took the teapot and put into it one decaf tea bag, one camomile tea bag and 2 ordinary tea bags.

"Who's doing the Bible study tonight?" asked Matthew.
"It's Maria," said James.
"No it's not," said Maria. "I can't do the Bible study because I'm helping Tracey make the tea. I can't do both. That's completely mad."
"Women shouldn't be church leaders," said Stanley. "It's in the Bible."
"I work under the authority of a man," said Maria. "Pastor Boris is the leader of this church and he introduces me when I lead a meeting."
"You don't have to," said Tracey. "The Bible was written in a very different time. Men had Rabbinic training. Women couldn't read. There was the cult of the goddess Diana and the women thought they were in charge. It was pragmatic for the women to sit in silence, rather than disrupt the whole meeting when they really didn't know anything." Stanley jumped off his chair.
"Don't argue with the Bible, Tracey," he shouted. "It's the Word of God, it's infallible."
"We just understand it differently," said Matthew.
"Matthew," said Pastor Boris, "you've wanted to be a church leader all your life, haven't you?"
"Yes, Pastor Boris, I've wanted to be a church leader since I went to school in short trousers."
"So you keep saying. But Matthew, it's much easier to control Christians if they all believe the same thing. Once people start to think for themselves, have their own opinions about things, it's very dangerous. You can't tell them what to do."
"Does anybody else want to lead the Bible study tonight?" asked Matthew. No one replied. "All right, I'll do it."
"You haven't prepared," said Maria.
"I've got half an hour to prepare while you're cooking the dinner. Pastor Boris will tell me what it's about, I will prepare. Teamwork. What is it about, Pastor Boris?"
"Matthew, it is another one of a series of Bible studies from the church's book, Forty Reasons Why God Wants Everyone to Live in Community. This Wednesday is chapter 10. It's cheaper to live in community."
"Is that in the Bible?" asked Matthew. Pastor Boris picked up his copy of the book and opened it.
"Acts chapter 2. There was not a poor person among them. Matthew, there you are, it's cheaper to live in community and it's in the Bible. You can't argue with it." Pastor Boris handed Matthew the book.
"Some Christians can prove anything from their 50 favourite Bible verses," said Matthew, angrily.
"In this church we have 40 favourite Bible verses and we use them to prove what they're supposed to prove," said Pastor Boris.

When dinner was in the oven and everyone was sat around him, Matthew began to read from the book.
"Do not be surprised if a big community house has a gas bill of £200 a week. Simply imagine that £200 divided by the number of people in the house. If you have 20 people, that's only £10 a week each. Food can be organised on a national basis. Goods are provided by the church warehouse, which is able to purchase the cheapest available items in bulk. Second hand furniture and clothes can be collected by the church warehouse, from donations and from second hand shops, before being distributed to community houses."
"The church warehouse runs at a loss," said Gordon. "No one can compete with modern supermarkets, no one can sell baked beans cheaper than they do."
"It makes a 100K loss every year," said Pastor Boris, "but pays out 160K in wages. So all of those people live in community and pay that 160K back into the coffers. So that the church gets more money than it would have if all those people were on benefits. It all works out in the end. We get all our food and clothes for nothing."
"Is that why the church has millions of pounds in the bank?" asked Gordon.
"Don't we use that money to run the International Christian Centre?" asked Tracey.
"The International Christian Centre are worried," said Gordon. "The tax man cometh. They've  got so much money in the bank they're not a charity anymore."
"They still do good work," said Tracey.
"I've got a good idea," said Colin. "When we have a few million more at the end of the year than we had at the start of the year, why don't we give it to missionaries?" Pastor Boris looked horrified. "They don't live in community," he said. "They love money."
"Missionaries love money?" asked Matthew. "They give up well paid jobs as airline pilots to  go to Papua New Guinea and fly to little villages in the mountains."
"They have their own bank accounts," said Pastor Boris. "They need to sell all they have and give it to the poor. It's a Biblical command."
"You mean they need to sell all they have and give the money to the church," said Matthew. "Same thing," said Pastor Boris. Gordon shook his fist in Pastor Boris' face.
"No it isn't," shouted Gordon. "The church isn't poor."
"I think we should give our money to missionaries," said Tracey. "The young people would support it. More young people would join us if we gave millions of pounds every year to missionaries. That's the kind of thing they want to do."
"I am not concerned about the future of this church," said Pastor Boris, "because I have a large team of dedicated church leaders who are mostly in their forties."
"In 30 years time we'll be an old people's home," said Matthew. "Well, have I got time to go on to the next chapter? 40 reasons why God wants everybody to live in community. Chapter 11. A woman's place is in the home. God did not intend women to go out to work. Are you all right Tracey? You look as if you're having a heart attack."
"Is this in the Bible?" asked Tracey.
"1Timothy 2," said Pastor Boris. "A woman will be saved through child bearing. And the same chapter says that they're not allowed to be preachers either." Matthew continued reading. "Nowadays it is too often the man wearing the pinny.," said Matthew. "Women in community are financially supported so that they have no need to work and can concentrate on being full time domestic sisters."
"There's no other way to do it," said Pastor Boris. "How can anyone come home from work and cook dinner for 27 people? It won't happen. And if 20 people had to go into the kitchen to make their own dinner, it would be total chaos. How could that ever work? Domestic sisters are essential to community. It can't run any other way."
"Why can't we have domestic brothers?" asked Tracey.
"Shut up Tracey," said Pastor Boris, "you're supposed to be in submission. The last generation of women were happy enough to be in a subservient role. They saw it as a different role, not an inferior role. Then they got their fridge freezers and their washing machines and they didn't have to work so hard anymore. They started to have ideas above their station."

They all left the flat and went into the corridor. The big pile of shoes was no longer there.
"Who's taken all our shoes?" asked Colin.
"It's the Badgers," said one of the neighbours.
"I didn't think that badgers wore shoes," said Colin. "What would they want with a big pile of shoes?"
"Not real badgers, they're a gang of children from Badger Woods. The police can't do anything about them. They're under the age of criminal responsibility."
"I'm going to do something about them," said Matthew, "I'm going to pick them up and bang their heads together. I'm going to give them a good hiding."
"Don't do that," said the neighbour.
"Well, I wouldn't mind having one criminal conviction in a whole lifetime and I'd love to go down for something like that."
"People like the Badgers don't involve the police," said the neighbour. "They will make your life a misery. The last man who gave them a good hiding had just paid £1500 for a new kitchen floor. They climbed in through the window, turned the taps on, and flooded the kitchen, ruining the floor. Another had just bought a new car. They came and danced on the roof and did hundreds of pounds worth of damage to the car. They know how to damage your emotions."
"You big bully, Matthew. The kids are only half your size," said Tracey. "It's not their fault that they had no parents."
"All children have parents."
"Not parents like ours Matthew, not parents that actually care about them. It's not their fault that they're feral children." All 4 members of the child gang came walking down the corridor. One was pushing an old pram full of everybody's shoes.
"Give us our shoes back!" shouted Matthew. "I've got a car with a dodgy clutch, it has to go down with a hell of a bang. How am I supposed to drive it home in my stocking feet?"
"Catch us if you can!" The children ran away with the pram full of shoes. Colin and Tracey went into Tracey's kitchen.
"Have you got that packet of chocolate ice cream lollies?" asked Colin. "I thought it might be a good idea to give them something that they really want."
"Good idea," said Tracey. Colin and Tracey both went outside with the chocolate ice cream lollies. The gang were still running around with the pram.
"I will give you chocolate ice cream lollies," said Colin, "in exchange for our shoes." The child pushing the pram stopped. He turned to face the rest of the gang.
"Chocolate ice-cream ice lollies?" He pushed the pram back upstairs. The rest of the gang followed him. He returned all the shoes. "You'd better give me those chocolate ice-cream lollies, Mister." Colin handed him the packet of lollies.
"Negotiation is better than violence," said Colin. "Works every time."
"Could I say something," said Tracey, as the children sat in the corridor eating the ice-cream lollies. "Jesus loves you. Jesus died for people like you."
"Somebody would die for me?" said the boy who had been pushing the pram.
"Jesus spent all his time with the prostitutes and sinners," said Pastor Boris. "People were ashamed of him because he kept company with people the rest of society wouldn't be friends with."
"So God loves me? Jesus cares about me?"
"Jesus died for all the sinners of the world," said Matthew.
"I always thought Jesus died for posh people," said the boy. "If I come to your church on Sunday, do I have to wear a suit? I haven't got a suit."
"You can come to our church on Sunday," said Tracey, "and we don't expect you to wear a suit."
"Do you know where the church is?" asked Matthew.
"Yes. I broke in once. I stole the computer."

Pastor Boris and Valerie were standing outside the farmhouse with their black Labrador dog.
"I do so like Labrador dogs," said Pastor Boris. "They're very easy to train. They're very obedient. Lenin, sit!" The dog sat. Pastor Boris threw a stick. "Lenin, fetch!" The dog went to get the stick and returned with it. "I wish all the people in our church were like Labrador dogs."
"Yes Darling," said Valerie. "Life would be so much easier if people obeyed their leaders and did as they were told. I wonder why they are so disobedient."
"Light has come into the world," said Pastor Boris, "but men preferred darkness because their deeds are evil. We are the kingdom, Valerie. This is the Kingdom of God. Having all of our money in one bank account. Possessions are shared. Money is shared. On Earth as it is in Heaven. But they just don't see it. They just don't see it."