The Lord Says Go North 3

Gary and Matthew arrived at the community house in Glasgow. They sat in the kitchen with their suitcases, drinking two cups of coffee, with Gerald the household leader.
"I've just realised," said Matthew. "I haven't had a shower since we left the farm."
"Thank you for telling me that," said Gary.
"Are you one of those people who have a shower every day?"
"Definitely," said Gary. "Aren't you?"
"I grew up in the 70s," said Matthew. "We didn't know what a shower was. Couldn't take a bath more than once a week. I had to remember to put the immersion heater on before I went in or I would run out of hot water. Before that, I had to remember to put 50p in the meter, or the lights would go out."
"Life was like that when we were young," said Gerald. "You watch old television adverts for deodorant. Totally different philosophy. You don't want to smell bad when a man asks you to dance with him, so use the right deodorant."
"I've got my stick of deodorant in my suitcase, so have no fear, Gary. I changed my shirt yesterday. I don't have body odour. I'm very careful about it. But now I have to go in the shower because my body is starting to itch. I have also noticed that people who go in the shower every day don't shower properly. You turn the shower on for two minutes and you come out again. I wash myself down with a sponge and rinse the soap all off again. When you haven't had a shower for days, you appreciate a thorough shower. I'm looking forward to a nice warm shower."
"We don't have a shower," said Gerald. "The house is still being fitted out. We don't have a bath either."
"What do you do?" asked Gary. "Drill a hole in a bucket and stand underneath it?"
"Nobody drills a hole in a bucket and stands underneath it. Just soak your sponge in the sink and then, when you've covered yourself with soap, rinse yourself down with a jug. Wash your hair with the jug as well. We have a compartment for an electric shower but it's not plummed in yet and the electricity doesn't work in that room either. But you can stand in the shower compartment with a sponge and a jug of water."
"If the electricity doesn't work in there, won't it be dark?" asked Matthew.
"We've got a really powerful torch. I mean, this torch is so powerful you'd think you had an electric light on. You can stand it on an upside down coffee mug beside the sink, so it shines straight through the glass door of the shower." Matthew finished his coffee and used the improvised shower. It was refreshing. The sink tap produced warm water. The torch was bright enough to be able to wash yourself with a comfortable level of light. The house was warm. It was the end of December and the house must have had at least some rudimentary form of heating.

Dinner was made by Gerald using the microwave oven on top of the fridge.
"What's for dinner tonight?" asked Gary.
"Same as it is every night. A tin of rice pudding with two slices of cheese, a tin of tuna and a tin of mixed beans melted into it," said Gerald.
"Sounds disgusting."
"No it's not," said Rachel. "It's very nice. Gerald's an excellent cook, aren't you Gerald?"
"I spent several months looking for flavours that would blend." Matthew arrived back from the shower.
"Time to say grace," said Gerald.
"Lord, thank you for bringing Matthew and Gary here safely," said Rachel. "Now thank you for the food and thank you for the lovely time of fellowship we will spend together. Amen." At that moment the cuckoo clock on the wall chimed. The mock wooden doors opened and the cuckoo's head popped out and said, "Cuckoo, cuckoo."

It was Christmas Eve. At midnight they went into the garden and set off some fireworks. It was a good box of fireworks. Gerald launched some mortars that flew off their stands to what seemed like hundreds of feet in the air and then exploded with the force of a military rocket. A small group of rough looking people, two men and one woman, appeared.
"Hello," said Gary. "We've just come all the way from the south coast to spread the word. Have you heard the good news about Jesus? He loves you and he died for you. Give your life to Jesus and this will be the best Christmas you've ever had."
"Have you got any drugs?" asked one of the men.
"Why?"
"That's the signal," said the other man. "They set off fireworks when there's a big shipment of drugs to the estate. Haven't you got any?"
"Didn't you know that it's Christmas Eve?" asked Rachel. "Isn't it obvious why we're setting the fireworks off?"
"We don't know what day it is," said the woman. "I'd actually like to come to your church but I'm not sure when 11 o' clock on a Sunday morning actually is."
"God has something better," said Gary. "Let me tell you how God can give you a brand new start."
"Have you got any drugs or not?" asked one of the men.
"No," said Gary.
"We're off home, then."

The next day Gerald was boiling some eggs for breakfast while the toaster produced small quantities of stinking black smoke. There was a knock on the door. Rachel opened the door to be confronted by two police men and one police woman. One of the men was middle aged and had a beard and the other two were quite young.
"What happened last night?" asked the bearded policeman.
"We had a firework display," said Rachel. "It was Christmas Eve."
"To celebrate the coming of our Saviour into the world," said Gary.
"That's not what the neighbours thought you were doing," said the police woman. "They thought you were sending a very different message. Mind if we have a look inside?"
"Certainly," said Rachel. "Come in. Would you like a cup of tea?"
"I'll put the kettle on," said the police woman. She plugged it in and turned it on.
"You need to put it on the coffee table and plug it in over there," said Gerald. "Those sockets aren't wired up yet." The police officers sat around the dining table and Rachel made some tea in a big china tea pot. The cuckoo clock chimed the hour. The plastic bird popped out of the tiny wooden doors.
"Cuckoo, cuckoo!" it said.
"Sergeant," said the young man. "Is it possible they're just living here? They've got the table and chairs and they've got their pots and pans."
"PC Dibble," said the bearded man, "no one would ever live in such squalor. There aren't even any carpets on the floors."
"But there's bedding on the floor over there."
"One of them said he had just come up from the south coast. They bring the drugs up from Southampton. It's a fourteen hour drive. They have a good sleep and they have breakfast before they go back home." The Sergeant finished his cup of tea and went to the bathroom. He pulled the cord to turn on the light. Nothing happened. "Look, the lights don't even work."
"The lights work on this side of the building," said Gerald. "The bathroom has a high power torch on top of the coffee mug next to the sink. Use that." 

Phil and Suzie were next door neighbours. Their attention was attracted by the fact that the police officers had come into the house. Phil knocked on the door. The young policeman opened it.
"We don't like what goes on here," Phil said. "They've been using that conversion therapy on people. That man who had been in prison said he didn't want to hurt anybody anymore."
"Brainwashed," said Suzie.
"These people are not drug dealers, as you suppose," Phil continued. "These are the headquarters of an extremely dangerous religious cult." The sergeant went into the bedroom and turned the light on. Nothing happened.
"There's a table lamp on the floor in here," said Gerald. He turned it on.
"Do you use conversion therapy?" the sergeant asked.
"We convert people to Jesus, yes."
"Does it change their sexual orientation?"
"It could change their sexual orientation. Although Sam's been a Christian for 20 years and he's still a pouf. He told me he was non-binary. I thought he meant he was useless at Maths but he meant that he was neither a man or a woman. His spiritual wisdom was to change his name from Simon to Sam because it's a girl's name, but most people wouldn't know it was a girl's name, and to wear a polar neck sweater and jeans. On his fortieth birthday there were lots of candles on his cake and he couldn't blow them all out. He tried so many times to blow them out and, at about the sixth attempt, he succeeded. I said, 'It took a big puff to do that.' I was suddenly shocked when I realised what I had just said. Never mind. Sam saw the funny side. He burst out laughing."
"Well Sir," said the sergeant, "it's good that he saw the funny side. If he hadn't, he could have reported you for a homophobic hate crime."

The next day Gary and Matthew stood together on a platform in Glasgow railway station.
"It's British Rail from now on," said Gary. "National Express only goes as far as Glasgow and the main Scottish cities. Not to the far north of Scotland. There's just not enough people who live there. I bought 2 tickets from the machine." Gary handed one to Matthew. They got on a train. It was a small diesel train of the kind that is usually used for short regional journeys. Gary and Matthew would be travelling 100 miles and it would take 3 hours. Matthew noticed that the train was not going much faster than a car going down a country road that he could see out of the window. Matthew began to sing.
"Four and twenty virgins came down from Inverness and when the night was over they had all made vows of celibacy."
"Matthew, don't sing here. There's too many people around."
"Have you made a vow of celibacy?" Matthew asked Gary.
"No, I'm still thinking about it."
"Pastor Boris wants everyone in the church to be either married or celibate."
"That puts people under far too much pressure," said Gary.
"But Gary, you have to produce children for the kingdom or you have to give your undivided devotion to the Lord. You must do one or the other."
"I don't see why I should have to make a lifetime vow of celibacy. Why can't I give my undivided devotion to God now and get married when the right person comes along?"
"I've made a vow of celibacy," said Matthew.
"But you're the romantic type."
"I've never had a girlfriend. If I'm celibate I can love them all as much as each other."
"Matthew, you are totally weird. Most guys just like one girl."
"Christians are supposed to love everybody."
"I don't think the Lord meant we were all supposed to fancy each other."
"My feelings are very innocent. The feeling of sexual attraction mixes with the feeling that someone is a dear sister and a lovely Christian. I hardly ever think about sex. There are some very lovely people in this church. That's how I think of the women. I like them, I care about them, they're all lovely people and they're all my friends."
"Matthew, you're a frustrated romantic. You're desperate to have a girlfriend, you've been rejected over and over again, and all of that is just a coping mechanism."

The train arrived in Inverness and they took a taxi to the flat. The flat had one bedroom and was on the ground floor. It was in a partial state of readiness. There was a fridge, a microwave and a cooker but no carpets on the floor. There was no washing machine but there was a launderette just around the corner. The beds were sleeping bags on thick mats on the bare concrete floor of the bedroom. Matthew was overjoyed. Knowing he had an interest in music, someone had donated an electric guitar with an amplifier.
"Wow," said Matthew. "Someone knows that I write rock songs. They've given me an electric guitar. I've never had one before."
"What do you play your songs on?"
"I play death metal on a battered old acoustic guitar with no amplifier. It's very quiet and you can hardly hear it. It's okay for practice."

The next day Matthew and Gary carried the guitar and amplifier down to the town centre. Matthew began to play the guitar and sing.
"Watch machine guns blasting away, there's 20,000 killed each day."
"Is that a Christian song?"
"It's a song about Christians being persecuted. Some locked up in prison, people tortured to death, but they confess Jesus, even with their last breath. Some locked up in prison, tortured to death as well, in the cold damp darkness but it's far better than going to Hell. Hallelujah! Hallelujah!"
"Sing something else," said Gary.
"I see the signs in the city, so many suicides there've been, 50 per cent by age 16, Jesus is coming, Jesus is coming."
"That isn't a sign of Jesus' second coming."
"The Bible said there would be terrible times in the last days."
"It didn't say things would be so terrible that half the population would top themselves by the time they were sixteen."
"The 50 per cent figure includes unsuccessful suicide attempts, drug overdoses and self harm."
"Sing something less morbid."
"I see the signs across the seas, because they're sending missionaries, so many people being set free, Jesus is coming, Jesus is coming." Matthew sang a whole collection of songs he had written and some hymns over several hours. A young man came up to speak to him.
"Are you guys Christians?"
"Yes," said Matthew.
"Which church do you go to?"
"We're starting our own. Which church do you belong to?"
"I go to lots of churches."
"What's your name?"
"I call myself Barnabas because l've got a ministry of encouragement. I saw you standing here on your own, so I thought I'd come and encourage you. Every few years a new couple come to this town to plant a church and they end up leaving with their tail between their legs. It's a hard town."
"Thank you Barnabas," said Matthew. "That's very encouraging."