Money Made Man Mad 1

Matthew Ellis was watching television on the big desktop computer in the dining room.  A voice boomed over the tiny but powerful loudspeakers.
"Hello, I'm Colin Urquhart, and I want to talk about the demographic problem in the church. The problem is that people in the church are getting older. In fact, so many people in the church are now in their late seventies, it is possible that in 20 years time the church in the United Kingdom will not be there at all."
"I used to be in Operation Mobilization," said Matthew.
"Did you used to be in Operation Mobilization?" asked Rachel, grinning sarcastically.  "We didn't know."
"I thought I'd told you."
"Yes you did, every few days you tell us that you used to be in Operation Mobilization. Why don't you go back there, Matthew?"
"I'll tell you why. I have heard the song by Keith Green, 'Is God Calling You to Stay Where You Are?' I decided that he was. My mission field is here. There will very few Christians in England by the time I retire. They'll have died of old age." Rachel laughed.
"Matthew, you can be cynical sometimes."
"Look at him," Matthew pointed at Colin Urquhart on the screen. "He's older than my father. Who's going to replace him when he's gone? This country will find itself on the Project Joshua website. One of the least reached countries in the world - the UK. Fewer than 2% Christian. Predominant religion Islam. I will be a missionary to my own people."

 

Gary Johnson was walking through Stansted Airport carrying a small black zip up shopping bag.
"Hello Mr. Johnson," said a man in uniform, who was looking at his passport.
"Good day to you, Sir."
"Welcome to London, I hope you have a great time here. Come into my office." Gary followed the man into his office, wondering what to make of this sudden display of English hospitality.  The man sat down. "Mr. Johnson, you have disembarked from a 9,000 mile flight carrying a small black shopping bag. You didn't come all the way from Perth in Australia to buy a loaf of bread and a tin of beans. You are a drug dealer." A woman in a white coat was sitting in the room. She slipped her hand into a white plastic glove.
"It might be necessary to make a clinical examination."
"No, no," said Gary. "I will show you what is in my bag." Gary unzipped the shopping bag. "One Bible, one pair of slippers and one pair of pyjamas."
"How come?" asked the woman.
"I followed the commandment of Jesus Christ to sell everything I had and give the money to the poor." The airport officials both gasped in horror. The woman turned to the man in uniform and said,
"Mr. Johnson is not a drug dealer. He has had a mental breakdown of psychotic proportions."

 

"Our new resident is coming on Monday," Louisa said to the group of people who were sitting making and eating supper in the kitchen. "On Saturday we will need to mop the floors, hoover the living rooms and bedrooms and Matthew, you will need to make the beds in the brothers' rooms upstairs."
"Thank you Louisa," said Matthew. "You are so caring and so good at organising people. You are so lovely." He stared at her. "I've always loved you, Louisa. If you weren't celibate I would marry you. You have beautiful ears." Louisa looked shocked.
"Beautiful ears? Beautiful ears?"
"What's wrong with telling someone that they have beautiful ears?"
"Matthew, you didn't belong to this church in the early days. Women were not allowed to expose their ears. They all had long hair and they had to wear hats."
"Louisa, you're the one who had your hair cut short."
"Perhaps I should not have done so. To lead the little ones of the flock into temptation. Telling a lady that she has beautiful ears. I never heard such a thing."

 

At eleven o' clock on Saturday, Gordon was busy vacuuming the living room downstairs. Two men rang the doorbell.
"Hello," said Bill. "We're Bill and Ben. We're the Fire Team."
"Well, the fire alarm is just there by the door and I think it works all right. The fire extinguisher is underneath it."
"You don't understand," said Ben. "We've come to discuss why your house isn't on fire."
"If you really want the house to be set on fire you could send one of the drug addicts or psychiatric patients who live on the farm. They're good at starting fires."
"Gordon, you don't understand," said Bill. "We are the church Fire Team. We have been sent here to investigate why your house isn't on fire spiritually."
"We have Louisa. She's on fire spiritually."
"She seems to be the only one who is," said Ben. "Your household is nowhere near its growth targets. You should be twice the size you were five years ago."
"I think we're half the size we were five years ago. The other houses are a quarter of the size they were five years ago, so we're doing fine."
"You're all pathetic," said Bill.
"Community isn't popular any more. It's hippy Christianity. This is the 21st century."
"Gordon," said Ben, "it isn't hippy Christianity. It's a Biblical command. Sell all you have and give the money to the poor."
"Post 2008 people don't have anything to sell. I've been a Christian for 40 years."
"I've heard you say that 27 times," said Bill. "Nobody cares how long you've been a Christian."
"But I know things a young Christian doesn't know. Hear me out. The difference between being a Christian in the 21st century and being a Christian in the 1980s is that, in the 1980s, I would visit a Christian family and be amazed by how much money they had. Now, I visit a Christian family and I'm amazed by how little money they have. Last night I went to collect a payment from somebody who owed the Common Purse some money for their mobile phones. The woman gave me a cheque for £290 for her phone and said that she would pay the £320 for her husband's phone when they had some more money. She was worried about paying her winter gas bill. They had this horrible old fashioned looking gas fire on the wall. It was turned on but it was set low so that only one of it's three elements was lit."
"Worldlings love money," said Bill. "That's all there is too it."
"But we have a lot more money than they do. Think of all the insulation and central heating we fitted to this house."
"We share our money," said Ben. "No one owns anything. Has anybody seen my new study Bible? I left it here on Wednesday night."
"I took it to Oxfam shop and sold it," said Gordon.
"You did what?"
"To help poor people in the third world. The money would be given to them."
"Sod them, I want my new Bible back."
"I didn't," said Gordon. "I knew someone had left it behind." He picked up the Bible from the radiator shelf beside the door.  "Here, you can have it back. I just said that to see how you would react."
"Is your household doing anything tonight?" asked Bill. "Can we come and see you then?"

 

Bill and Ben returned that evening to hold a meeting with the household members.
"Was the blaze brighter in the early days?" asked Bill. "Was the blaze brighter in the early days, brothers?"
"Yes it was," said Matthew.
"The Holy Spirit can't flow through a blocked pipe," said Ben. "You seem to be living at a level in between the level required by the world and the level required by the church. God wants everything. If you want this house to burn with Holy Spirit fire, you must renew the vows you made to the Lord."
"We are a backslidden household," said Louisa. "Some of the women have had haircuts."
"We spend more on food than any other church household," said Gordon. "We've started putting proper chocolate in the chocolate cake, not just cooking chocolate, how about some Cadbury's Dairy Milk in the icing?"
"I don't want chocolate in my cake at all," said Maria. "Give me simple cake. Cheap plain flour, solid margarine, eggs, as little sugar as necessary and lemons for flavouring. That's really cheap cake."
"I've got a library ticket," said Rachel. "I've been reading worldly novels from the library."
"Read books from the church library," said Ben. "It will protect your mind."
"I've been listening to CDs on an old CD player my father gave me," said Matthew.
"I have a hymn book," said Bill. "Sing in your heart and make music to the Lord. That's what I do instead of listening to pop music."
"Would you like a cup of coffee?" asked Rachel.
"Coffee?" asked Ben. "Coffee is worldly. I shall have a cup of weak tea."
"Me too," said Bill. "Weak tea from an economy tea bag so that it tastes really horrible. Finish the coffee that you've got but don't buy anymore." Rachel returned a few minutes later with two cups of weak tea.
"If your household isn't growing, it must be something to do with you," said Ben.
"We'll get it back on track," said Rachel, smiling. Bill and Ben finished their drinks and left. "Where's that nice chocolate cake?" asked Rachel, running into the kitchen.
"I'll get my CD player and put some music on," said Matthew.  Matthew got up from his chair to leave the room. Gordon looked at him with a very embarrassed and puzzled expression. "Gordon, Bill and Ben are pompous and arrogant church leaders but they are not evil. Every year they come to our house and hold their little meeting, and every year, we say all the right things. And then we ignore them completely."

 

Pastor Boris was preaching at the meeting on Sunday morning.
"It has occurred to me that something is missing in this church, that things are not quite the way that they were when we first began our community. Women are having hair cuts. Every £10 you spend on a hair cut is £10 that could have been given to the poor. My wife bought a wooden bobbin for £5. She will never need to get her hair cut again. Was the blaze brighter in the early days, Brethren? Was the blaze brighter in the early days? You are worldlings. Let's listen to some worldly music, let's read some worldly books. Forget about the books in the church library, forget about Christians who carry a little hymn book instead of carrying a walkman. Christians like that are strange. Some of us have been swimming. One member of this church was rescued by a life guard while she was swimming on holiday. Some of you are going to drown before you have finished the work the Lord has for you to do. I don't go swimming. If I did, I might see lots of young women who are in scant clothing. I might lead myself into temptation and have sinful thoughts. Then, there's the amount of money that we spend on food. Brethren, you must live simply, and you must eat simply.  Do not eat the peanut butter of backsliding, do not drink the coffee of compromise, do not eat the doughnut of despair." Then the congregation sang a hymn.
"Love of money, Love of money, everybody does. Love of money, love of money, ask another church, How they live and how they spend it, they will make a fuss. Everybody else loves money, everyone but us."

 

On Sunday night Gary Johnson stood in his pyjamas watching his clothes go round and round in the washing machine. Angie appeared beside him with a cardboard folder full of bills.
"Gary, have you seen our water bill and our electricity bill? You have one set of clothes and you wash them every day. It doesn't help to run the washing machine with such a light load. It's expensive."
"All right, I'll wash them in a big tub of water."
"If you do that, you won't be able to dry them on the line. You'll have to put them in the tumble dryer. That costs money."
"But that's because I've sold all my clothes and given the money to the poor, like Jesus said."
"Gary, if you use the washing machine every day, we will become the poor. I will order you some new clothes from the church office."