New Leader 18

"This weekend is community weekend," said Pastor David to the people who were gathered with him in the front room of Piddledon Farm for a Saturday night meeting.  "Tonight I'm asking all the people who live in this community to explain what they like about living in community."  Pastor David waited for an answer.  The room was quiet.  "What are the good points about living in community?"  A long and stony silence followed this second question.  Eventually Sam interrupted the silence.
"I don't feel as if I live in community," said Sam.  "I just feel as if we are 16 people living independently at the same address."  Mikey looked at Sam.
"It wasn't always like this," said Mikey.  "This is a community on its last legs."  Sarah looked at Mikey with a shocked expression on her face, her blood boiling with rage.
"Why is it on it's last legs?" she asked.
"Come on," said Mikey, laughing, "nobody's died.  We've got all the important characters of my childhood, they're all still here.  We're having a great time.  It's not as if we had to struggle to run a church that has half the members it had 5 years ago and does all the same things."
"All churches come to a point where the people who have founded them have died," said Pastor David.  "It's not an easy time.  I call it the mid life crisis of the church."
"Why does it always have to be me?" asked Brian.  "I'm always the one who does the washing up, I'm always the one who makes the dinner, I'm always the one who delivers the bread from the bakery."
"Yes," said Mark.  "I feel the same way.  Why does it always have to be me?"
"Absolutely," said Susan.  "Why does it always have to be me who irons the clothes or cooks the dinner?  No one else ever does anything.  They're all lazy."
"If you all think that, you can't all be right," said Pastor David.
"What about the lovely time we have together?" asked Sarah.  "What about the close fellowship and the family atmosphere of living in community?"
"Family atmosphere?" asked Simon.  "I was a sex offender in prison.  When I did my exercises in the exercise yard, alone, the other prisoners would bang on the windows and shout horrible names.  I would rather live with them than live with people like you."
"That is total fantasy," said Stanley.  "You can't compare this with being a sex offender in prison.  You don't have to be kept under lock and key to protect you from church members who might try to kill you."
"Prison wasn't as good when they started cutting back on the staffing levels," said Brian.  "You're let out of your cell for a couple of hours socialisation and there's fights breaking out.  At one time there were a suffcient number of prison guards to intervene, then there weren't.  It was horrible then."
"What have I done to deserve this?" asked Pastor David.  "I hold a meeting so that all these visitors, who have come to stay for the weekend, can have a good idea of what life is like in community and you start comparing it to being in a terrible prison."
"Not a really terrible prison," said Brian, "probably an open prison in the 1990s, like the one I was put in at the end of my sentence."  Sarah looked Brian straight in the eye.
"Can you explain the similarity between living in community and being in prison?"

 

One of the visitors stood up.
"The Lord has told me that I must live in community," he shouted.
"Carl?" asked Stanley.  "What are you doing here?  You weren't invited."
"I drove here," said Carl.
"Are you still allowed to drive?"
"What does that mean?"
"I thought you were on medication."
"I've never been on any medication."
"Isn't that why we banned you from the house?" asked Stanley. 
"That is the reason why living in community feels like being in prison," said Brian.  "People like him.  The same kind of people you would have in prison."  Stanley looked directly at Carl.
"Come with me, Carl.  I need to have a quiet word with you on your own."
"In that case I'll come to," said Mark.  "I don't want you being with someone like Carl on your own."  The three men went into a small lounge together.
"I need deliverance ministry," said Carl.
"No you don't," said Stanley.  "You have a progressive mental illness and a personality disorder."
"How do you know?"
"Look Carl," said Mark, "you were examined by a doctor and a psychiatrist and Stanley used to be a psychiatric nurse.  You definitely have a mental illness."
"That was last year," said Carl.  "God has healed me.  God heals people when they're walking down the street."
"We waited a long time for you to be healed," said Stanley.  "Five years, we waited.  It didn't happen then and it hasn't happened now.  You pulled a knife on somebody once."
"That was years ago."
"Yes it was," Stanley continued, "and you did absolutely nothing about it.  A condition like yours doesn't get any better over time.  Without treatment it will get worse."
"You were burning your hand under the grill," said Mark.  "I tried to stop you.  You informed me of how happy you would be if me and my three daughters were killed in a car accident."
"If a man is so upset about something that he's burning himself under the grill, other people should keep out of the way."
"Carl," said Mark, "I'm gonna tell it like it is.  You think your next door neighbour is a witch and that she's casting spells on you.  See a psychiatrist before you kill somebody."
"You're banned from this house until you show me a prescription that proves that you are on medication with anti obsessional properties," said Stanley.
"Don't tell me that you can't live in community just because you're a violently disturbed psychiatric patient and you might lash out with a knife and stab somebody.  That's ridiculous."  Carl stormed out of the house and slammed the front door behind him.  The loud noise of his car engine could be heard as he drove away in a raging temper.

 

Billy Graham David Watson stood at the cafe counter in the International Christian Centre.  A middle aged woman was with him.  Brian was serving behind the counter.
"Hello Mrs. Watson," Brian said to the middle aged woman.
"What do you want to eat, Charles?" asked Mrs. Watson.
"Fish and chips," Bill said.  Mikey was sitting at a nearby table having a cup of tea.
"Bill," he asked, "why did that woman call you Charles?"
"That's my middle name.  My full name is Billy Graham Charles Haddon Lewis David Watson."
"Is that Lewis after the Christian novelist C. S. Lewis, or Lewis after the Scottish town that had the revival?"
"Both.  They're spelt the same way."
"Some people get excited about the Name of the Lord but that's absolutely nothing
compared to your name.  To which of the angels did God ever say, today you have become Billy Graham Charles Haddon Lewis David Watson?"  Brian came out of the kitchen to the counter.  He looked shocked.
"I've only got 5 bread buns and 2 cod fillets to last a whole day.  What are we going to do?"
"Charles, do something," said Mrs. Watson.
"Woman, what does this have to do with you and me?" Bill asked.  "All right.  Brian, go back to the kitchen and you'll find a whole bread bin full of bread buns and a whole fridge full of cod fillets."  Brian went to look and came out of the kitchen again.
"I can't believe it.  He's right.  A whole kitchen full of food.  The fish and chips are on the way."  A woman came into the cafe who was in a mobility scooter.
"In the name of Jesus," said Bill, "get out of your mobility scooter and walk."
"I can feel it, I can feel it," said the woman.  "The strength's coming back to my ankles and my feet."  She got out of her mobility scooter and did a little dance.  "Praise God, I'm healed."

 

A few weeks later the Christians gathered in the International Christian Centre on a Wednesday night for the New Friends Course.
"There's no new friends here," said Pastor David.  Mikey was tucking into the food that had been put in small bowls on the tables.
"There's plenty of crisps, there's plenty of nuts and there's plenty of sweets," Mikey said,  "I'm happy enough."
"The new friends course is here so we can meet new people," said Stanley, "not just so that we can have a good night out together."
"Oh, that's funny," said Mikey.  "It's what we've done in most previous years."
"I think we should close it down," said Pastor David.  Billy Graham David Watson leapt out of his chair.
"I'll go out and lead some people to Christ," he said.
"Bill, how are you going to lead a dozen people to faith In the next half hour?" asked Stanley.
"I certainly can.  You've just got to have faith.  There's a rhema word for everybody.  Say the rhema word and they will become a Christian, straight away."
"It'll be a miracle if you can do that in Newport Newtown," said Mikey.  He laughed.  "Jesus said, Greater things than me shall you do.  I suppose it might happen."  Bill went out into the street.  He met an Indian man with a turban around his head.
"What do you think of Jesus?" Bill asked.
"He was a great moral teacher but I don't accept his claim to be God."
"If he was a great moral teacher, how could he possibly lie about being God?"
"I've never thought of it like that before," said the Indian man.  "How do I become a Christian?"  Bill handed him a leaflet.
"There's a prayer on the back of this leaflet.  Say it out loud when you get home tonight.  The leaflet also has a map showing you where the International Christian Centre is.  There's a New Friends course on there tonight."  Bill walked up to flat.  A woman came running out of the door and straight down the stairs towards him.
"Don't waste that leaflet on me, son.  I'm not religious and I never will be."
"The reason you're not religious is that you blame God for your sister's death."
"How do you know?"
"God didn't cause your sister to die," said Bill.  "He isn't in control directly of everything, not like that."
"That's excellent.  You're a prophet.  How do I give my life to Jesus?"
"Say the prayer on the back of this leaflet and come to the International Christian Centre tonight."  Bill saw a man who was wearing Muslim clothes.
"Do you think God is beyond human understanding?" Bill asked.
"Yes," said the man.
"If you say that God is indivisible, you're saying that you comprehend him.  If we say that the trinity is a mystery, we're saying that we don't."
"Excellent.  I've never thought of it like that before.  How do I become a Christian?"
"Say the prayer on the back of this leaflet and come to the International Christian Centre tonight."  Bill's eyes lit up.  He had seen a group of Jehovah's Witnesses.
"Are you interested in the Bible, young man?" asked an old lady with long hair in a pony tail and glasses.
"I certainly am," said Bill.  "In the New Testament Jesus is Lord.  He is the only person in the New Testament who is ever called Lord.  How can you be King of Kings and Lord of Lords if you're not God?"  The woman looked amazed.
"I've been believing a load of rubbish all my life," she said.
"Yes, so have we," said a middle aged man in a suit.
"Brethren, what shall we do?" asked another man.
"You'd better take some of these leaflets," said Bill.  Bill returned to the International Christian Centre after an hour.  The members of the church who were there stood up to applaud him.
"Well done, Bill," said Stanley.  "Bill is the hero of the hour.  There are a dozen new friends here, including a muslim and six Jehovah's Witnesses."

 

Stanley sat reading a book.  It was late at night.  Stanley asked himself, should I have a cup of that nice decaffinated coffee?  If he had a coffee now, he would be up during the night.  Did it matter anyway?  Let's have some of that excellent decaffinated coffee and go to the toilet during the night.  Why not?  At 3AM Stanley needed the toilet.  He went into the bathroom to wash his hands.  He put the light on.  Billy Graham David Watson was sitting in the bath. "Bless you brother," Bill said, covering his eyes in pain.
"Sorry Bill.  It's lent.  Are you fasting?"
"I live my life by the Sermon on the Mount.  Jesus told us not to tell people we were fasting."
"Bill, I haven't seen you eat anything for 40 days.  You didn't come here to clean the bathroom, you wouldn't do anything so unspiritual.  You came here to pray.  You're fasting and praying all night during lent."
"I am unable to comment because Jesus told us not to tell people we were fasting."

 

The next Saturday night at Piddledon Farm Pastor David unveiled his plan for a new church weekend.
"Billy Graham David Watson is a very good leader," he said.  "We have an awful lot of new people in the church and a lot more money."
"Why do we have more money?" asked Stanley.
"The cafe in the International Jesus Centre hardly ever needs to buy any food.  Bill performs daily miracles of multiplication.  And he heals so many people.  We're selling their mobility scooters on the church website.  We're going to buy some new minibuses and we're going to hire a hotel.  It's going to be called the Billy Graham David Watson Super Apostolic Weekend," Pastor David explained. 
"I think Billy Graham David Watson is everything a congregation would expect a church leader to be," said Mark.  "He prays all night, he performs miracles, he can lead people to Christ at will and he's a fantastic preacher."
"He is," said Stanley.  "We're riveted to the edge of our seats when Bill's preaching.  An old man wet himself because he didn't want to go to the toilet until Bill had finished his sermon.  Then Bill healed the old man, and he's had no trouble with his bladder since."
"He's not as good as Boris," said Mavis.
"Boris was a fantastic leader," said Betty.  "He was a good all rounder."
"The church is not the same now that Boris is dead," said Mavis.  "His death has caused much grief to the church, more grief than anything since the death of Jesus."
"Boris died of old age," said Stanley.  "There are worse ways to die."
"It is still an enormous loss and tragedy to the church," said Mavis.
"I wonder," said Betty, "I wonder if Bill can raise the dead."