The Nutcase Friendly Bible - Noah.

(Scene 1.  Noah is building his ark.)

Reporter :-  Hello.  I’m from the Daily Scroll.  I see you’re building a boat.  Why are you building it here?  You’re a hundred miles from the sea.

Noah :-  There’s going to be a flood.

Reporter :-  You’re 2 hours walk from the nearest river.  How is there going to be a flood here?

Noah :-  It’s going to rain for forty days and forty nights.

Reporter :-  What exactly is rain?

Noah :-  There’s a thing in the sky called the firmament.  The firmament will break down and the waters above the firmament will fall down to the earth.

Reporter :-  So you think the waters above the firmament will fall down to the earth.  Will the sea level rise?

Noah :-  I think the sea level will rise above the mountains, yes.

Reporter :-  So this is climate change.  Is it the result of human activity?

Noah :-  It is the result of human activity.  The Earth is full of wickedness and violence, and God doesn’t like it.  This is God’s punishment, to flood the world and take away all life.

Reporter :-  Interesting to hear an alternative point of view.  Everybody else thinks you’re a madman, and don’t you think that violent and wicked people enjoy being violent and wicked?  Could I have a few pictures of this boat?  I’ll just get my easel and my paint brush.  (Leaves to get his equipment.)

Noah :-  Shem, have you got the animals together?

Shem :-  Ham and Japheth have got male and female of every kind, 2 by 2, just like in the song.

Noah :-  Don’t believe everything you hear in children’s songs.  The animals don’t go in 2 by 2, you put 7 pairs in if they’re clean animals and 2 of each animal if they’re unclean.

(Scene 2.  Noah and his family are sitting in the ark.)

Ham :-  Dad, what’s that water coming out of the sky?

Noah :-  That’s rain, Son.  Close the door.  (Ham closes the door.)  What happened to the dinosaurs?

Ham :-  We couldn’t get them in.  They were too big to go through the door.

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Noah’s Wife :-  We’ve been here six whole weeks.  I haven’t a chance to clean the ark, and it really smells, and I haven’t had a chance to go to the shops.

Shem :-  I wish someone could go to the shops.  I’m getting tired of all these eggs.

Japheth :-  What eggs?

Shem :-  Those big eggs downstairs.  They’re huge.  You can live on one for a whole day.

Japheth :-  But they’re dinosaur eggs.

Shem :-  Oh no.  I think I just wiped out an entire species.

Noah :-  I’ll let this bird fly out of this window.

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Shem :-  Where’s that bird Noah sent?  It’s been 3 days since it left.

Japheth :-  Here it is, with a little twig in its beak.

Noah :-  The tops of the trees have appeared.

Shem :-  What’s that in the sky?

Japheth :-  It’s a great big multi-coloured bow caused by the sun shining through the rain.  I suppose we should call it a rainbow.

(Scene 7.  The ark has landed on top of a mountain.)

Ham :-  Dad, Dad, the ship’s run aground.

Shem :-  Of course it has, what do you expect?  A team of tug boats to tow it into the harbour?

Noah :-  I think we’ve landed safely on a mountain somewhere.

Ham :-  How are we going to get down?

Shem :-  We’ll just have to walk.