The Nutcase Friendly Bible - The Psalms of Brian

Angelic she was in her appearance and her personality.
But my wife left me.
Cheryll didn't want to live with me anymore.
Divorcing me, she sent the decree absolute.
Emotionally exhausted, I went down to the river.
Feeling suicidal, I gazed at the water and considered throwing myself in when a hymn came into my mind:
God is love.
His the care.
Is this the answer?
Jesus was weak and his followers were too spineless to cope with anything the way that strong people could.
King of Kings,
Lord of Lords,
Man or mouse?
Never would a Christian survive if they had to live in my world.
Out of the fields I went
Putting all thoughts of suicide and God out of my mind.
Queueing for a bag of chips was more interesting.
Right, I said,
Six months have passed and something, somewhere has got to better than my
Terrible loneliness and feeling
Under so much pressure.
Violent thoughts filled my head,
Worse thoughts than I had had by the river,
X rated films became my dreams.
You must have been right God,
Zion seemed my only hope.

So I kneeled down in my bedroom and I said this prayer:

Always we have gone our own way and done our own thing.
Badly behaved, we hurt and wound one another.
Causing trouble in the world we do wrong,
Destroying everything that God made.
Empty lives, never satisfied with the things we have,
Filling our lives with wasteful things,
Going nowhere.
How did we get like this?
I don't understand.
Joyless existence must kill so many people.
Life does not always seem worth living.
My God, why have you forsaken me?
No, why have we forsaken you?
Oh dear, we killed your son, but it was
Part of your perfect plan,
Quickening him by your spirit you
Raised him from the dead,
Sitting him at your right hand,
Taking away our sins,
United with God,
Very close to him now.
We were seperated from God by our sins.
X rays could not show the depths of God's love.
Yoghurt and chocolate tea cakes could never be sweeter than God's love.
Zig-a-zog-zig is what the Spice Girls really want.
I really, really, really want you, Lord.

God loves everybody the way I love my manager at work.
I look at her pretty fair hair and her pretty brown coat and I feel so much affection.
I am forgiving about some aspects of her personality because I like her and care about her so much.
She is lovely, even though she has sometimes done wrong.
Isn't it amazing that God loves everybody the way I love my manager at work?

She married someone else and I forgave her.  I sat at her wedding with tears in my eyes.
I wished her well.  God will also forgive betrayal.
Isn't it amazing that God loves everybody the way I love my manager at work?