The Nutcase Friendly Bible - The Revelation of Uncle Bill

I had an old television.  I bought it for the queen's coronation.  We watched Newcastle United win the FA Cup on it.  It is that old.  Then, in 1959, ITV started.  It was exciting and new.  "This is Tyne Tees Television on channel 8," the announcer used to say.  It had a tiny little screen with a huge lens on the front that magnified it if you were too far away.  Then another generation of children grew up who did not like my television.  They were afraid of it because it whistled and had lines across the screen and the picture wasn't even black and white, just black and grey.

One day in the 1980s the old VHF television transmitters were shut down.  I knew this was going to happen but I didn't know the exact date.  I tuned to the normal frequency and the BBC was not.  I tuned up and down the dial looking for BBC, ITV or any other stations.  Then I saw Jesus on the screen.  His eyes were like blazing stars.  His face shone like the Sun.  His clothes were whiter than anyone in the world could bleach them.  When he spoke, his voice was quiet but sounded incredibly powerful as if I was listening to it through a huge bass speaker.
"I am the alpha and omega, the beginning and the end.  I am the Resurrection and the Life. I hold the keys of death and Hell.  I come to tell you what will soon take place."  In his hand were seven stars and behind him were seven lampstands.  He said, "the seven lampstands you see are seven churches, and the seven stars in my hand are the angels of the seven churches."  I was instructed to take a pen and to write down what the spirit was saying to the churches.

"To the Church of England write, 'You tolerate that awful woman Jezebel, who wants to be a woman vicar, who thinks that all religions are the same and who wants practising homosexuals to be church leaders.  This is what I will do to you - I will make your Christianity just like the religion that she preaches.  A moral code, a piety code, a system of rituals, a set of religious texts and Scriptures.  That is what you get when you divide all religions by the lowest common denominator and that is what your Christianity will be like.'
"To the Church in America write, 'I am the God who puts food in your fridge and gives you new cars.  I will be your Life Coach. On the Day of Judgement your preachers will have to give an account for all the things they didn't say.  Help the needy, care about the poor, give sacrificially, surrender your possessions to Christ, is God calling you to become a missionary?  But you will have hugely successful and popular churches because you say what people want to hear.'
"To the Baptist church write, 'You have hugely powerful preachers in suits who teach the Bible and are known across the land.  No one else ever does anything.  The rest of the church are bone idle.  Your church is a one man band.  I will cause a desperate shortage of pastors and Bible teachers.  When the present generation of preachers have retired no one will replace them.  You shall have to get on your bike and preach the gospel.  You will have to lead church services yourselves.  Even your women shall have to do it and they shall not become paid pastors.'
"To the Brethren church write, 'You have done well to restore Biblical principles to your worship.  You have great dedication and many wise church elders but I hold some things against you.  Do you really think that the supernatural gifts of the Holy Spirit came to an end when the Bible was completed?  Do you really think they only lasted for a hundred years?  Come on!  As well as this, you are living in a time warp.  Do you really have to do things the way you did them in 1835?  Your gospel service is still held at half past six because that is the time the first gas lamps were lit in the street.  'Forget the former things, I am doing a new thing.'  You must learn to do things in a modern way.  If you do not your congregations will get older and older until they just die.'
"To the church in the Soviet Union write, 'You have been strong in the midst of great persecution.  The time of persecution is about to end.  There will be a time of openness, you will see another Day of Pentecost and thousands turning to Christ.  You yourselves will have Bibles but will find that you knew more about the Bible in the 1950s when individual pages were torn out of Bibles and passed around in envelopes.  Beware the tendency to become Sunday Christians as things get better.'
"To the church in China write, 'You stood strong in the midst of persecution in which many of you died.  Now your church will be a brightly burning core of those who endured the persecution.  You will see revival and rapid church growth in the land and will be able to send missionaries.  But be careful or you also may lose the level of commitment that your grandparents had for the Red Guard no longer shoot anyone who prays.'
"To the church in Africa write, 'I know your poverty.  You have nothing but you are rich.  I know that you have endured famines and wars and have been singled out for harsh treatment in my name.  But I will do great miracles through your church; you will drive out demons, you will heal illness, you will raise the dead, for no one has ever told you that these things are impossible.  You will lead whole villages to Christ."

Then I saw a house.  Someone attached a rocket to the house and it soared up into the sky.  Up it rose above the clouds, the rocket still firing, still climbing.  Up and up it went until the sky became dark and I could see the stars behind the house.  Then the house became like a satellite and orbitted the earth.  An angel appeared holding a pair of scales. She said, "£500 a month for a cupboard under the stairs and buy all your meals from a take away at the end of the street."  Then I saw a shop in the High Street that was selling plastic bowls of soup for £1.75.  And there was a queue of 132,000 people, 4,000 people from each of the 33 districts of Sheffield.  I asked the angel, "Who are these people?"  She replied, "These are those whose bedrooms were too small to put a microwave oven in the corner.  They live entirely on take aways.  They stand and queue for the soup because they don't get enough vitamins and it is healthier than eating another burger."  Then another angel flew through the heavens carrying a trumpet, which he blew.  He said,
"Woe to those who have a one bedroom flat, for they will need two salaries to pay the rent."  He blew his trumpet again and said, "Woe to those who have a two bedroom flat, for when they have children the council will tell them they are adequately housed."  He blew his trumpet a third time and said, "Woe to those who have a three bedroom house, for their children will live with them until they are forty."  He blew his trumpet a fourth time and said, "Woe to those who tell the council they are desperate for somewhere to live, for they will be given a house on a rough, terrifying council estate."  I saw the kind of council estate the angel was describing.  A car was burning in the middle of the road and the youths threw stones at it.  Another car, which had been stolen, was being driven up and down the road by a teenage driver at terrifying speed.  The youths threw stones at the windows of the houses on the estate.  One of them kicked down the front door of one of the houses.  Lots of people went in there and came out carrying a vacuum cleaner, a microwave oven, a video recorder and a television.

I saw a huge squadron of helicopters flying through the heavens.  A voice said, "Make war against countries that make loads of cheap oil for time, times and half a time.  But do not touch the countries that have a trade agreement with Britain or the United States."

A man appeared sitting in a television studio.
"This is the BBC.  The time is - actually, no one is sure what the time is.  Greenwich meantime doesn't exist because Greenwich is no more.  No man knows the hour.  This programme is coming to you from our Northampton studio because Northampton wasn't considered important enough to be worth destroying with a nuclear warhead.  The news tonight or today, or whatever time it actually is.  The world, for all intents and purposes, has ended.  Billions of people have died in a war involving conventional, chemical and nuclear weapons.  Billions of other people have died of the famine and disease that followed.  The population of the world is now thought to number less than a million.  But now we go over to our reporter, Simon Edwards, who is standing in Northampton Cemetery where, it seems, the dead are coming to life."  Simon Edwards was holding a microphone and talking to a man who was sitting in front of a tombstone.
"What happened to you?"
"I heard a voice that said, 'Harry, come forth,' so I came forth."  There was a noise from one of the other graves and a woman appeared sitting in front of another tombstone.  She used her fingers to pull the gravel and dirt out of her hair.
"What happened to you?" asked Simon Edwards.
"I heard a voice that said, 'Edna, come forth.'  Then I woke up and dug my way out of the ground."  The scene returned to the television presenter in the studio.
"Now I'm talking to the Bishop of Northampton," he said.  A woman in a black suit with a dog collar appeared on the screen.  "Reverend Wendy Widows, you have an interesting theory about what is happening in Northampton Cemetery."
"Yes," she said.  "We think this could be part of the great resurrection of the dead foretold in the Bible.  Here we are, pretty much at the end of the world, fewer than a million people left alive, and Jesus said that one day he would speak and the dead would come out of their graves."  The scene changed back to the television presenter sitting in the studio.
"Amazing news," he said.  "We're getting reports coming in from television and radio stations all over the world that the same thing is happening there, in cemeteries, even in crematoriums.  Dead people are coming back to life."

There was now another television studio where a number of contestants sat behind a row of desks that had buzzers.  A television presenter in a black suit stood in the centre of the floor holding a microphone.
"Welcome to the eternal game show with the everlasting prize.  I'm Peter Sant and this is Heaven or Hell.  Question one.  Would each of the contestants like to say why they think they should go to Heaven?"  A woman with long dark hair, a white blouse and a dark jacket pressed her buzzer.
"Barbara Jones.  You've got thirty seconds to answer the question, why should you go to Heaven?  Starting now."  A stopwatch appeared and the sound of a ticking clock could be heard.
"I never did anything wrong."
"Oh, you never did anything wrong.  I think there are some people who would disagree with that statement.  Let's have a look at the screen and see if Barbara Jones never did anything wrong."  A film appeared on the screen on the studio wall.  Barbara was answering the front door to a man who had only one hand and was carrying a suitcase full of dish cloths and other kitchen items.
"I'm not interested," she said.
"Don't you want to buy something just to support me?" asked the man.
"No I don't.  If you don't make any money you don't make any money.  You're not a charity."  Back in the studio Barbara Jones leapt off her chair.
"I never said that."
"You're right, you didn't," said Peter.  "You never said it because your mother answered the door.  But it's what you wanted to say and it's what you would have said."  An African man with long curly hair fashioned into dreadlocks pressed his buzzer.
"Mr. Merhdad Gazeem," said Peter.  "You've got thirty seconds to answer the question, why should you go to Heaven?  Starting now."  A stopwatch appeared and the sound of a ticking clock could be heard.
"I was always very religious, I fasted a lot, I prayed five times a day, I went to the temple every day, I wrote religious books, that must mean something."
"Sorry Merhdad," said Peter, "Your righteous acts are as filthy rags.  If you've broken just one of God's commands you are a law breaker.  Nothing good you do can make any difference."  A woman with short dark hair and glasses pressed her buzzer.  "Muriel King.  You've got thirty seconds to answer the question, why should you go to Heaven?  Starting now."  A stopwatch appeared and the sound of a ticking clock could be heard.
"I looked after my husband when he was ill.  He was so ill.  Some people would have left him, but not me.  I looked after him."
"Sorry Maria," said Peter.  "You're just the same as anyone else.  You didn't lead a perfect life and there's no way your good deeds could ever atone for your bad deeds."  A middle aged man with glasses and a polar neck sweater pressed his buzzer.
"Gary Baldwin.  You've got thirty seconds to answer the question, why should you go to Heaven?  Starting now."  A stopwatch appeared and the sound of a ticking clock could be heard.
"I don't think I deserve to go to Heaven at all.  I tried my best to live a good life but I failed.  I've done some terrible things."
"That is the right answer," said Peter.  There were shouts from the other contestants.
"That's not right."
"How is that fair?"
"Perfectly right and perfectly fair," said Peter.  "Jesus gave his life so that all of Gary's sins could be forgiven if he came to God and accepted that his efforts were worthless and there was nothing he could do to.  God's free gift is eternal life in Jesus Christ our Lord.  Gary, come with me and I'll take you to your prize."  Gary followed Peter out of the studio.  As they left it was suddenly destroyed in a great explosion and caught fire.

Peter led Gary to a river flowing through the countryside.
"Now the dwelling of God will be with men," said Peter.  "There will be no more mourning, sorrow, crying or pain."  There were trees by the river.  "Take and eat some of the leaves, Gary."  Gary picked some of the leaves, bit into one of them and chewed.  "The leaves are for the healing of the nations.  Every month these leaves will bear fruit.  The fruit tastes like chocolates, and if you ever get sick of chocolates there's plenty of fish in the river.  Look up at the sky, Gary.  You don't see any sun or moon.  That's because there is no sun or moon.  The Lord God will be your light.  This is where you will live for ever and ever."