Radio Hell

Radio Hell. For fools. The fool says in his heart there is no God. The Lord looks down from Heaven at the sons of men to see if there are any who seek, any who understand God. They have all turned aside. They have together become corrupt. There is no one who does good, no, not one.

The time on Radio Hell is 12 and a quarter years past the start of the second millennium. This is millennium news.

President Lucifer is very concerned about the way that Christianity is rapidly spreading across the whole world. This is very important, because anyone who puts simple trusting faith in Jesus Christ can be saved from eternity in Hell. He said that evangelists in countries where Christianity hasn’t become established yet should be brutally murdered. Evangelists in countries like Britain, where Christianity has become established, should be completely ignored. The Minister of Education, Cain Adamson, said that he was trying as hard as he could to create a secular society where people didn’t need God. He had also created a form of false religion which could inoculate people against the real thing. It would be extremely difficult for such people to find salvation in Jesus, as they would believe that they were the people of God already.

The weather forecast on Radio Hell. There’s going to be lots of people cursing God today because some giant hailstones are going to come falling down from the sky. Put the car in the garage, don’t go out of the house, and I hope you’ve got thick loft insulation. These hailstones are huge. If you go out in the sun tomorrow, don’t forget to put on your factor 25 sun tan lotion and don’t stay outside for more than a few minutes. You will get sun burnt pretty quickly.

Text us on 0101, if you’re still on Earth and you’re not dead yet, 7734 666.

A text message from a Mrs. Jones. What must I do to avoid going to such a terrible place? Well, Mrs. Jones. You must accept that you’re a sinner and that you could never save yourself, you must believe that Jesus died for your sins, and you must commit your life to him.

A text message from Steve in Glasgow. Steve says he loves racing his motorbike down the motorway at 220 mph, takes lots of drugs, uses a long whip to knock Mods off their scooters, practices witchcraft and attends black mass at weekends. Is this the best way to make absolutely sure that you go to Hell? No. I think that if you deliberately live a life of debauchery, you might be much too aware of your sins and realise that you need a saviour. I think you might go to prison, meet the prison Christian fellowship, and find Jesus there. Sell the motorbike, give up the devil worship, settle down and live a quiet life and give yourself a false sense of security. Then you’re far more likely to go to Hell.

A text message from Raymond in Sheffield. I gave my life to Christ 60 years ago, and I couldn’t go to Hell if I tried. Well Raymond, I wouldn’t try too hard to go to Hell if I were you. Theologians have argued about that one for years. The consequences of a Christian hardening their heart, the possibility of the Christian sinning away the day of grace, have been discussed and debated with strong arguments on both sides, and I wouldn’t want to bet my eternal destiny on the outcome of a debate. We have no idea what would happen to your soul if you sinned flagrantly or deliberately, denied Christ, ignored the prompting of your conscience to repent, lost your faith altogether, or all the other things that a real Christian isn’t supposed to be able to do. Unless I’m a demon and I know you could do every single one of those things.

The time on Radio Hell is 10,000 million years after the end of the world.

Hell you are
All that they say you are,
Tied up in chains,
Roasting in flames,
Screaming in pain,
Will you follow Satan?

You don’t want to come here.
There is nothing pleasant ever again.
Only darkness, mourning, sorrow, crying and pain,
And the fearful realisation
Of what things might have been like in that other place,
If you had trusted Jesus as your Saviour.

The results of the Radio Hell survey.
50% of people in Hell said they wished they had never been born.
25% of people said they would rather fade away into the dark silence of nothingness than exist in the state of torment they are in now.
Only 15% of people agreed with the statement, being in Hell is OK, after a few million years you just get used to it,
And only 10% of people agreed with the statement, Hell is no worse than a bad day at work.

Let’s all meet up in the year 2000,
Won’t it be nice when we’re all fully grown,
But that was ten billion years ago.
I never thought I’d be condemned here,
I was a priest and vicar, as you know,
But I didn’t know Christ and there’s one place I could go.
What are you doing Sunday, baby?
Come up to the church here, maybe?
We can even baptise your baby.

Radio Hell news. Police in Hell are receiving a large number of complaints about religious activities keeping people awake at night. The rattle of the Salvation Army tambourine from the so called Christian lady who never quite found Jesus, usually punctuated with cries of, ‘God, God, get me out of here. I hate being in Hell.’ The Church of England watch night carol service from the choir boys whose simple truths never quite made the journey from the head to the tongue to the heart. President Lucifer was particularly angry with the Roman Catholics holding their rosary beads, who believe that by chanting the Hail Mary and the Our Father over and over again, they will reduce their time in purgatory and one day go to Heaven. He asked them how long they intended to continue doing this before they actually realised that the Virgin Mary wasn’t going to help them? The stars had grown cold. Most atoms had disintegrated. Their rosary beads were some of the few solid objects that still existed in the universe. What would it actually take to convince them they were wrong? He said that there was no such thing as purgatory, and reminded them of a Bible verse saying that man is destined to die once and after that to face judgement.

The weather forecast on Radio Hell. Today it will be cold. Two degrees above absolute zero, to be exact. A good time to buckle up your winter coat, if there were still winters and there were still coats. No sunshine today, because the Sun isn’t there anymore. The stars have grown dim. Tomorrow it is going to be hot. The fires of Hell are going to be lit. With the wind factor and the high concentration of airborne sulphur, the effective temperature in Hell will be several thousand degrees. The kind of heat that could strip paint off a wall, as long as the wall was made of concrete or stone and didn’t disintegrate first. There’s a caller on the line who wants to know if she can repent and if God will forgive her sins. I hope you can still hear me above the roars of laughter in the studio. It’s too late now. You should have thought of that while you were still alive. A text from a listener who says she would like it to be hot. She’s been freezing cold for billions of years. You won’t like it this hot. This heat could cook a Christmas turkey in a split second.

It’s the final countdown.
It’s the final countdown.

This will be the last ever transmission from Radio Hell. After the fire is lit tomorrow, you won’t be able to hear us for the sound of the screams. Although our technical department have advised us that if you bought a very good Roberts radio it might be able to separate our programme from the overall sound of screaming, our advertisers have decided to pull out, so we have been forced to close.

They call me the pain maker.
I’ve come to make pain.
Pain, pain, pain, pain.
Pain, pain, pain, pain.
They call me the pain maker.