Confessions of a Cinema Fascist

Confessions of a Cinema Fascist

I'm a mild mannered tolerant person most of the time, I can make Clark
Kent look like the Incredible Hulk after he's just woken up with a bad
headache. But over recent years I've noticed a change, my calm and
quiet Dr. Jeckyl has developed a Mr. Hyde. I've become a Cinema
Fascist! 

I don't know when the changes first started, it may have been all those
Summer blockbusters, or the British hype films, all I know is it's
happened, and it's now. 

I love films, but I hate cinemas. 

Well, that's not really fair, it's not the cinemas as much as the
people in them, I hate the people that go to watch films. I know what
your thinking, everyone hates rowdy teenagers who rampage through the
theatre and talk too much. I'm worse, I hate everyone! I hate the
teenagers. I hate the parents. I hate anyone who eats popcorn, wafting
that smell around that lingers unpleasantly like the odor a wet dog or
a mature fart. I hate people who eat anything or drink anything, all
that chomping and slurping like stray mongrels rooting through bins. I
hate people who talk, I hate people who cough, I hate people who
sneeze, I hate people who breath! I hate people who sit in front of me,
I hate people who sit next to me, I hate people who sit behind me. I
hate people who arrive too late, I hate people who leave too early, I
hate people that get up half way through to go to the toilet. I hate my
friends who give a running commentary or ask too many questions. I hate
EVERYONE! 

I propose a cinema apartheid. I want full segregation. I want them to
reject anyone under 30, anyone over 50, anyone who smokes and eats and
drinks, anyone with a disease that involves coughing or sneezing or
heavy breathing, anyone with walking sticks or wheel chairs or squeaky
shoes or vocal chords. I want IQ tests on the door, I want people to
conform to a specific range of intelligence and taste and humour and
cleanliness. I want all ushers and projectionists and refreshment
vendors gagged - in fact I want all refreshment banned - none of this
"in Holland you can buy a beer in a cinema" shite, in my new cinemas
you won't even be able to buy a coke, and there will be a full body
search on the door to make sure no one smuggles one in. 

In my brave new world cinemas will be clean and bright and shiny and
empty, so that, once and for all, I can finally watch a film in
peace.