Jed's in LA

"Stick it on the company credit card" Jed says, laughing.

His cleaner is making him a sandwich

while he’s on his lilo, Skyping.

He’s talking to his sister

who is staying in his Brixton studio flat while he’s away

well someone’s got to water the fucking cactus.

He is an excellent sibling.

“Just mention my name at the front desk” he says

“I’m sure they’ll at least let you use the steamroom.”

 

Jed’s showing everyone photographs of him on a jet ski.

Jed's not looking after his hire car properly.

Jed’s drinking white wine in a gallery

he’s in his Jacuzzi downloading the number 1 single.

 

Jed’s dentist is so good at tennis

you should see him out there on the court

practising his serves

with the tennis racket that used to be Federer’s

he bought at an auction

the money’s going to a good cause.

He has debits pinging from his HSBC account

like a toddler on a pinball machine.

 

Jed bought his dad, Noel, a fishing boat for his birthday

and no-one can hold that against him

as we picture him waving at a tugboat

him and his friend Clive who both retired in the summer

after a lifetime of teaching.

 

Jed. It’s raining but your indoors.

Fit girls laugh at your trumps.

 

Jed joined the prestigious local yachting club

because he heard the members-only lounge

has the fastest Wi-Fi in town

and he plays the piano at their summer do

everyone crowds around for his Rocket Man.

 

Jed’s office is in the tallest tower block in LA

You should see his fob

But he rarely goes there.

 

Do you realise what a weird life you’ve got Jed?

 

Champagne? Jed asks and his cleaner says yes

And tells him she likes his new trainers.