My Life in Pencils

The Rhine. 1989
My mum is a teacher and used to go on school trips to France and
Germany. When me and my sister were 7 she bought me back a big novelty
pencil made by those canny types in the tourist industry to con money
out of foreigners and my mum, who spend well earned money on chunks of
lead. She told me it wasn't for using, it was for keeping. I used it.
On the pencils are stencils of picturesque towns she never went to -
Koblenz, Cologne, Bonn. Places along The Rhine. The pictures are faded
now, you can only just make out the words. My mum was in Berlin four
weeks after reunification. A piece of wall is a bemusing present to
give a seven year old.


London. 1992
I was excited the first time I went to London. So much so I bought a
pencil. I was still at Primary School, we stayed in a youth hostel for
a weekend - it was the first time I'd been away from home. Chris Bell,
the toughest kid in school cried the whole time. To this day I have
only been to London about five times, people I know who spend more time
on tubes than in their beds don't share my enthusiasm for London. It's
where the Queen lives. And Damon Albarn.


Normandy, Brittany. 1993-97
I have five of these pencils from places on the North Coast of France,
so I guess we went there five times. It was always seaside towns, my
dad would drop us all off, me and my sister would play in the sand
while he drove around France going to places that dads go to - where
people we'd never heard of were buried and battles we didn't know had
happened were won, drawn or lost. If we wanted ice-cream we would have
to ask for it in French. It was on one of those beaches in France I
first saw a woman sunbathing topless. It obviously had quite an impact
on me, as to this day I'm a heterosexual.


The Lake District. 1996
We rented a caravan, it rained. We rented out Nuns on the Run. I forgot
we'd been there until I saw the pencil. Maybe I shouldn't have bought
it.


Liverpool. 1998
We won some competition entitling us to a free stay in any hotel from a
list provided. We chose to go to The Adelphi in Liverpool, partly
because it had recently been the subject of a BBC 1 Docusoap, before
the idea lost any appeal it ever had. I got told off by the Assistant
Manager, who once appeared on Celebrity Ready Steady Cook. I'd been sat
on the stairs and he told me off. Looking back, I think fame had gone
to his head. My dad took me to Anfield. I've got a photo of myself in
front of the Bill Shankly statue. I still wear the jumper I wore in the
photo.


Eurodisney.
I've got a bright red pencil with a picture of Mickey Mouse from
Eurodisney. I don't know anyone who's ever been there. I have no
recollection of being given this pencil. It is one of only two pencils
I own which is not white, the other is from Paris. The French know how
to decorate their novelty pencils.


Paris. 1998
I went to Paris on the French Exchange. Me and my sister stayed with
twins in France. That just meant me and her talked to each other and
the French twins talked to each other so we rarely had to break out of
our native languages. I wouldn't even remember the girls name now, had
it not been Fanny. This pencil is unlike all the others, there are no
drawings or photographs, just bright colours. I loved it in Paris. We
were allowed the choice between shopping or going around Notre Dame and
up the Eiffel Tower. I bought Expecting to Fly by the Bluetones for
less than a pound. We were in France for most of Euro 96. I missed
England beat Holland 4-1 because someone from our school was caught
shoplifting duty free, so we all had to stay in our cabins for the
whole ferry crossing, something about being 'embarrassments to our
schools.'


Isle of Wight. 1999
I liked the Isle of Wight. We were there for a week but still my dad
found time for me and him to get the ferry to Portsmouth half way
through the holiday, watch Sussex play against Hampshire and get back
to my mum and sister the same day. It was the highest scoring one day
match in the history of English cricket. When that record was broken a
couple of years ago I was kind of sad. There is something about the
Isle of Wight. No matter where you are you are close to sand and the
sea. Places have names like Freshwater, Shanklin and The Needles. There
is something almost fictional about the place. There is a map of the
Isle of Wight on the pencil and pictures of these places. I think was
one of my favourite holidays. It is also the first time I heard The
Smiths. I don't know too what extent the two events are
related.


2000. Norway
The pencil has a small novelty reindeer attached to it. My mum and dad
went to Norway, fulfilling their life long dream while fulfilling mine,
of living in a house with no parents. The day after the party I
remember burying sick in a flowerbed.


Tenerife. 2001
My first proper girlfriend bought me back a pencil from her holiday in
Tenerife. It was my favourite pencil for a year and a half. Now the
string attaching it to the pinboard where they are all displayed has
snapped and the pencil has been thrown to the bottom of some
drawer.


The Rhine. 2003
I spent Easter 2003 travelling down The Rhine, staying overnight in
towns pictured on that first pencil. Now I have two pencils exactly the
same. Just as well, I've blunted the first one writing this.