The Wedding Speech

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So I was walking out the door and the phone rang .It was one of
those occasions when I was in two minds wondering if I should continue
walking or race back and grab the phone . I was doing a kind of dance
back and forward with my feet doing this soft slow shuffle and my
shoulders swaying back and forward . If only there was some music to go
with the body movement or even a nice set of lyrics like will I go or
won't I , pick up the phone .
I followed my basic instincts and rushed to grab the phone .
"Hello." I said out of breath .
"Is that you Sham?" Gerry always calls me Sham . Its short for Shamrock
and being Irish he donned me with the name Sham .
"Is that you Gerry ? " I replied .
"Yea . Listen I'll not keep you .You're not busy are you ."
"No Gerry . How are you?"
"Not bad ? I just wanted to pick your brains ?"
'Its funny I was just thinking about you the other day . Hows your
ears?"
"All right Sham. I'm back swimming again ."
'So is your back giving you any trouble "
" No Sham, I'm back swimming again "
"You like swimming don't you Gerry ?"
"Oh yea Sham . It would be ok if I didn't have a crook back and this
bad ear .anyway what I was wanting to talk to you about was a wedding
speech I have to make"
"When is the wedding Gerry?"
"I'll be leaving in about ten minutes Sham ."
"What ! Who's getting married ?"
"My youngest daughter Sham . I've been so busy lately I haven't time to
write anything down . Can you help me Sham ?"
"What about Gods Grace Gerry. "
"Sorry Sham what ?"
"Gods Grace Gerry . Have you thought about asking for some "
" It is a wedding speech not a charity handout . C'mon throw
me a few lines . You're good with that Sham ."
"Gerry I'm not joking . You could use some help from above ."
"Its too late for that quick give me some lines .The cars will be here
in five minutes. "
" Right then Gerry . Can you act like a drunk ?"
"No Sham . Everybody knows I don't touch the drink ."
"Well just pretend that somebody's spiked you drink and you're tipsy
."
"Hang on Sham I might go with the first suggestion . Gods grace wasn't
it .
Have you got that contact number ?
"Hang on Gerry I'll just get it for you ".
"Don't bother Sham . By the time you find the number the wedding will
be started ".
"Right then Gerry as I was saying act drunk ."
"Oh I don't believe it . There's somebody at the door . Hang on Sham
.
I'll just get rid off them ok . Hang on."
This recorded computer piped stand-by music ushered through the
receiver of the phone until Gerry returned ,
"Hello Sham I'm back again ."
'Hey Gerry I was listening to that music . Could you just put me on
hold again and do something for five minutes ."
"Ok Sorry Sham ."
"I'm just joking Gerry ?"
"I knew somebody who used to work on the international exchange . If
ever he had a hard time with a caller he would say ,Listen do you know
who I am and when the called said no, he would say good and disconnect
them. "
"I was wanting to ask you who is getting married Gerry ?"
"My girl Aileen Sham . Listen I've got to go The cars are here . I'll
take the mobile and I'll ring you from the car. So give me a few lines
for the wedding speech. Could you do that for me Sham ? I'd be really
grateful ."
"OK Gerry .I'll hang up then and wait till you ring ?"
"Ok Sham . Bye Mate"
"Right Gerry Bye"
I hung up the phone and grabbed a glass of water and some scrap paper
.
Then I sat down near the phone , doing doodles until the phone
rang.
Finally the phone rang .
"Gerry is that you "
"Yea Sham , I'll be at the wedding reception in a half hour and I
haven't a clue what I'm going to say ."
'Don't panic Gerry . Just stand up and thank everyone for coming at
short notice on this very suspicious occasion . Due to matters beyond
your control and obviously your daughters control ."
"That's good Sham. I'm writing this all down . Keep it going Sham.
"
'Tell them due to such a short notice that that you're not responsible
for the wedding speech . Go on and say that the wedding gifts are a
complete disgrace . Twelve electric toasters that won't pop up . Twelve
electric blankets that don't have any plug . Three TV sets that only
work in America and thank them all again for the wonderful gifts except
for the two who didn't bring any gifts . Tell them that you won't
mention their names but that are the two without any dinner at the
table".
"Hang on Sham . Can you fill me in with the rest when I'm up there .
The cars now in the church I'll ring you from the hall ' Thanks Sham .
You're a life saver. I've got my bloody wedding speech now ."
"I'll wait until I hear from you Gerry ."
I put the phone down and put the tea pot on . I sat down and had a cup
of tea . Scribbling down a few thoughts and doodling some more , I had
a quick inspired thought and began to write a poem that ended up a song
and then I put the tea pot on again and while was pouring the tea the
phone rang .
'"Hello ."
" Hello "
"Is that you Gerry "
"Yea."
What's the problem"
"I've slipped over in the gents toilet Sham and I can't get up ."
"What ? '
"I'm stuck in the toilet outside the church . I think I've done my back
in Sham "
'What about the wedding speech Gerry ? "
" The wedding speech is in the inside pocket of my Jacket but I'm on
the concrete floor and can't move Sham. "
"Can't you scream out Gerry? "
" I did try . It was bloody painful but no body heard me Sham . The
cars have all pulled out five minutes ago . The priest has gone with
the wedding party and I'm here by myself on the toilet floor. "
"Gerry can you ring them at the reception.?
"The receptions on board a paddleboat river cruise up the bloody creek.
"
"Don't panic Gerry at least you don't have to make the wedding speech
."
"I'll never live this down Sham . Do me a favour and ring the City
Hospital and ask them to send out an ambulance . "
Which church was the wedding at and where are the toilets Gerry
?"
"Listen Shan . I owe you one. "
I laughed and he laughed . He was in pain and I went into a buckle
.
I laughed and laughed until I was sore .
That evening Gerry was picked up by the ambulance and brought to the
Jetty where a special stretcher was arranged to transport him to the
Paddleboat where he eventually made the wedding speech to a well oiled
crew .
Afterwards the photos Gerry was brought to the city hospital by
helicopter where he finally recovered from his injuries .

The End

By Paul McCann