02/24/2017, 7PM

Mrs Wilkins,

    I don’t really know what I believe in anymore. I’ve never been a religious person; at my lower points, I’ve even scoffed at those who believed there was a life after death. I’ve been to church like, once, and even though my mom was technically raised Catholic I’m not sure she still believes in God. But the thought of never being able to communicate anything to you again, the idea that you won’t be a part of some of the biggest moments of my life, just doesn’t sit right with me. I know in my heart of hearts you’re not looking down on me from some utopia in the clouds. I guess I don’t know, but I’ve never thought so. And I know your ashes are on the kitchen table in your house right now because thank God or, whoever, you were finally cremated after over a week of you laying in a freezer, but I don’t like the idea that there are parts of my life you won’t get to see. I know I’m not your kid, and you were always closer with Troy or whatever, but I still think of you as a mom. Or thought, or whatever. I’m not really sure of anything anymore.

    What I do know is, I hope you can see me, and hear me, or think of me, because even though I’ve thought in depth about what death means as it relates to myself, and how life is just a combination of chemicals and predictable impulses and how nothing really matters, I do still kinda believe there’s a lot that matters. I don’t want to believe that, and my science brain tells me that I’m wrong, but I still have a gut feeling that’s telling me it’s bad that you’ll never see where I go to college. One of the last times we communicated was over Facebook messenger, you asked me about colleges, and I responded but you didn’t really remember messaging me in the first place and you were just kind of confused and never responded. And that was a while ago; I was still considering New Zealand then.

    My mom did update you on some stuff, I know that, and I know you’re pissed I got a tattoo. Surprise! I got three. My mom’s sleeping in the seat next to me and my dad’s playing brick breaker in the seat behind me and they definitely don’t know that, so I won’t say much more. I did get a pineapple for you, though. It’s blue.