My friend

It was the red lips that drew my eyes as she mouthed thank you to the cashier.  I drew a breath as my heart sank into my stomach.  Her smile was as voluminous as it ever was, her short wavy hair providing the perfect frame for her face.  The length suited her.  I had never imagined it short but seeing it now, I don’t know why she hadn’t done it sooner.

5 years it had been since I last saw her.  I remember it well.  It had haunted me for many years.  We were close, she and I.  Friends. 

The day we had met 3 years before that, I was nervous.  It was my first day in a new job and there was an induction day for new recruits.  I remember walking into the room feeling completely lost.  There were many unfamiliar faces.  Arabellas, Georginas and Hughs all discussing their last ski trip or inter rail holiday around Europe.  I felt so out of place walking in there, like I had “estate” written all over me.  I remember turning on my heels to head straight for the door and there she was with that voluminous reassuring smile.  She had made the effort to talk to me and though she didn’t know, saved me from myself.

Working together was great.  We were so completely different in a lot of ways.  I was insecure, she was over confident.  I over analysed whilst she “went with the flow”.  I was cautious why she threw caution to the wind, but that’s why we worked.  Ying and Yang, as they say.

Though confident, she often had her problems.  She had a way of finding them.  Her love life was always a mess.  If you lined up 100 men, 99 of them good, one of them bad she would be sure to find the bad one.   Sometimes I wondered if she liked the drama of it. 

Our lunchtimes would be consumed with her telling me what drama had unfolded the night before.  I would happily listen, not having any news of my own to tell.  However over time my enthusiasm waned as I offered repeated advice again and again.  Soon our lunchtime meets became more infrequent until one day, they stopped altogether.

I had heard through the grapevine that she had been absent from work on occasion.  I had sent her a few messages but there was no reply.  I was worried about her.

When she turned up to work a few days later I ran over to her to say hello and when I looked at her face, the smile was no longer there.  We met over lunch, like we had so many times before but it was different.  She was not as open as she had been previously.  An invisible wall was between us and it was difficult to penetrate. 

Eventually she let slip that she was having some money trouble. She was down on rent and needed some help, a place to stay, some money.  I knew that what she wanted was really for me to take her in.  I couldn’t.  I thought of the drama that would follow and I couldn’t.  I gave her what I could which was not much and I saw the despondency on her face as she took it.  I remember her last words to me were “see you soon hopefully” though I think we both knew that we probably wouldn’t.

Indeed that was the last time I saw her.  I hadn’t tried to contact her.  I heard from one of my other colleagues that she had been let go.  She hadn’t been turning up to work and when she did, she smelt of alcohol.  When I heard that, I searched social media for her but she had removed all profiles.  I still didn’t contact her.

This is the first time I have seen her since.  I want to go over and say hello.  I know that I have a small window as I watch her pack her items into her cloth bag. 

My feet won’t move.  Guilt has made them heavy.  How can I breezily go up and say hello?  The shame I feel draws my eyes to the ground, afraid I will arouse attention and draw her towards me.

“Next please,”.  I glance up to see her walking out the door, the moment gone.