White Lillies

SHAWNA

The office was quieter now that the hiring was over and the job nearly finished.  Sure there were other contracts, but for the Door 2 Door contract team all that was left was the administrative work they were too busy to do at the time. In Shawna’s eyes it appeared even more quiet, Kitt’s absence evident.  Noone had really been appointed to run the show, everyone just shuffling along.  Even Esther who would normally see this as her time to shine was unusually quiet keeping herself to herself.

 

Noone spoke to each other, other than when it was one’s turn to do the tea run. 

“Shawn, you wan a tea?” said Krystal.  Shawna looked up and nodded as Krystal took up her full mug.  “You’d better drink this one,” she said as she mounted the stairs.  “Ooh sorry,” she heard Krystal say to someone on the staircase.

“No worries,” said the other person as the came up the stairs.  It was Minali.  She had a grave look in her place and in her hands a bunch of white lillies, slightly inappropriate though Shawna, she’s not dead.

“Hey Shawna,” she said as she entered.  Shawna could see the others looking at Minali as though she were slightly familiar but they couldn’t put their finger on it.

“Guys this is Minali.  Remember?  She got the admin assistant job in the Door 2 Door head office.”

“Oh yeah,” said Natalie. “How are you?  Everything ok?”

“Yeah,” said Minali.  “It’s just I heard about Kitt and I wanted to bring these flowers for her but Nina said she hasn’t come back in.”

“No, understandably she’s not,” said Shawna, rolling her eyes at the fact that Minali was unable to deduce this herself.

 

“Shall I take those for you?  A couple of us are going to pop round and see her later,” said Natalie walking over to her.

“Oh!” said Minali, “That would be great.  Thanks.” Natalie smiled as she took them and placed them on the table in the back room.

“So how are you doing Shawna?”

“I’m fine.  I’m not the one that’s in hospital.”

“I know, but it must have been awful for you.”

“Why, exactly?” said Shawna.

“Well, I sort of overheard Steve talking on his phone.  He said that you were the one who found her.”

There was silence.  Shawna held her tongue.  She didn’t want to be reminded of that day.  It was bad enough that she had to see that office every time she walked through the door or went to make cup of tea, there is was.  She could still see Kitt’s limp body lying there.

“Is that what you came here for?”

“What?”

“I said is that what you came here for. For the gossip of what happened?  How I found her in the chair all limp, is that what you want to hear?”

“No,” said Minali shaking her head so much it looked like her head was going to fly off her neck.  “No not at all.  How could you think that?”

“Well you barely knew her!  You dealt with Nina all of the time and yet you come in her with you sad sad face and your crappy bunch of flowers like she was your best friend!”

“Shawna, that’s enough,” said Natalie sternly as if she was scolding one of her children.  Shawna walked off into the back room.  She could hear Natalie apologising profusely on her behalf and Minali’s murmurs of understanding. It’s OK, I would be just the same if I were in her shoes. Then why did you come Shawna thought.  She sat down and put her head in her hands getting angrier by the second thinking of Minali walking in with those dumb funeral flowers.

 

Shawna knew that she was being completely unreasonable.  Minali though a bit dim and thoughtless at times was harmless and would never have meant any harm bringing those flowers and deep down she knew that she hadn’t come for gossip.  But she hated the thought of people whispering behind Kitt’s back, coming to their own conclusions of events.

“Here’s your cup of tea Shawn,” said Krystal closing the door behind her as she entered the back room.

“Thanks,” said Shawna not looking at the cup or Krystal.

“Shawn you gotta get a grip.”  Shawna remained silent.  She could hear Krystal pulling up a chair beside her.

“Look, I get it.  Believe me I get it.  Finding Kitt like that couldn’t have been easy.  I know what it’s like to find someone like that.  It’s…. It’s not something that you can forget easily.”

“How could you know how I feel?” said Shawna, tears in full flow.  “I’ve been trying to move on, get on with things, but everyday I come in here I’m reminded.  I’m reminded by Kitt’s absence, by the quietness of the office, by her empty chair, by the wine glasses in the cupboard, everything, everything reminds me of it,” she said in between sobs.  “When I go home at night I shut my eyes and I see her lying there.  I just…. I just want it to stop.”

Krystal rubbed her back as she said “I know Shawna, I know.  But it gets easier.”

“How on earth could you know?  I’m so sick of people trying to empathise with me when they have no idea.  You saying you know, her, out there with her pathetic flowers..”

“But I do know Shawna, ok I do.  I haven’t told anyone this, well apart from Kitt but that’s another story…… My Mum killed herself just over a year ago.”

Shawna looked up at Krystal.  The pain in Krystal’s eyes was evident.  Shawna felt so ashamed.  Here was a girl, younger than her whose mother had died at her own hands and there she was sat there crying over the failed attempt of her boss who she had known for a mere 3 months.

“I…What….how…”.

“It was an overdose.  I found her.  When I got there she had already gone.  She didn’t even bother to leave a note.”

Shawna looked up at her.

“Don’t look at me like that,” said Krystal. “I don’t need your pity.  I don’t need anyone’s pity. She was a selfish bitch and I’m not going to cry over her, OK.  I just needed you to know that I understand how you feel and it DOES get easier.”

“I’m sorry.  I feel so lame being so upset about Kitt.”

“Why?” said Krystal shocked.

“Well, look at you.  You lost your Mum.  Kitt didn’t even die and I’m acting like a melodramatic imbecile.”

Krystal laughed. “No you’re not.  Shawn, seeing someone like that is terrifying.  It’s the worst feeling in the world.  It’s like you see them but it takes a while for your brain to compute what your eyes are seeing and then you’re moving in slow motion.  Sometimes I think had I acted a millisecond quicker instead of staring at her in disbelief, then maybe, just maybe…”

“It probably wouldn’t have made a difference” said Shawna putting her hand on top of Krystal’s.

“You’re right,” said Krystal swallowing back tears.  “You’re right. It probably wouldn’t have.”

They sat there in silence, holding hands.  Shawna looked up at Krystal.

“When did you tell Kitt?”

Krystal took a deep breath. “Well, I didn’t really tell her.  I sort of threw it at her.”

Shawn shot her a quizzical look.

“Well after the overdose, I went to see her in hospital.  It was the day you had your funny turn and I sent you off in a cab.  Well,” she said playing with the hem of her top. “I…. seeing you like that, what seeing her in that state had done to you, well, I just flipped.  It reminded me of what happened with Mum.”

Shawna squeezed her hand.

“You see, I didn’t get to tell Mum how angry I was at her, for leaving us, for leaving her slumped body as my last memory of her.  But there was Kitt lying in her hospital bed.  I thought to myself, well, I can tell her.”

“So what you went down there?” asked Shawna.  Krystal avoided eye contact.

“Yeah.  I can’t even remember half of what I said.  Whatever I did say made her put two and two together about my Mum.  Anyway it got heated and I was escorted off the premises.”

“Oh Krys.  I’m sorry about your Mum I really am, but it’s not the same as Kitt.  She didn’t try to kill herself.”  Shawna felt Krystal’s hand wrench from her grasp.  “Look I know it sounds crazy, but kitt didn’t try to kill herself.  Something happened that night.”

“Oh Shawna,” said Krystal standing up in exasperation.  “I can’t believe you are still stuck on that record.  What do you think happened?  What someone spiked her drink?”

“I don’t know.”

“A ghost did it, what!”
“I don’t know ok.  I just know that she was not lying to me when she said she didn’t do it.  I believe her.”

Krystal turned the door knob.

“Shawna, I love you I do, but you need to stop with this nonsense and face facts.  There is no other explanation.  Maybe Kitt is trying to convince herself that she wouldn’t do such a thing, but the fact is she did, Shawna…”
“But,”
“She did, ok, she did.  The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will be able to come to terms with it.  Either way, I don’t wanna hear about these conspiracy theories any more, ok.  I don’t,” she said leaving the room. 

Shawna sat there her eyes welling up.  Maybe it was wishful thinking.  Maybe she just didn’t want to believe that someone she knew could want to do that to themselves.  But she remembered Kitt’s eyes as she denied it.  There was no way that she was lying.  No way.