Bob the Tumor (3 of 4)

Scene: Mike’s Bedroom

(Mike in dress clothes. Lifts head to straighten tie. Looks directly into camera. Begins to sing)
MIKE: I take a walk...(camera turns behind him and he walks to bedroom doorway)... the sun is shining down...(pauses to drink from Santa Cup)...burns my feet as I touch the ground (hangs left into his bathroom)...I feel good...(checks face in mirror, smiles)...you know I’m looking fine...I’m so glad to know that she is mine.
(Mike turns from bathroom and begins walking backwards)
MIKE: Good day, sunshine! Good day, sunshine! Good...day...sunshine!
(Charlie approaches from living room)
CHARLIE: (in exaggeratedly happy voice) Hey Mike! I just want you to know I’m sorry for always stealing your ideas and being a douche. I was just jealous! You’re so much better than me!
MIKE: (slaps Charlie roughly on back) Don’t worry, Charlie, I’ve known it for years!
CHARLIE: But we’ve only known each other six mon—
MIKE: (cutting Charlie off) Good day, sunshine!
(Mike’s phone begins to ring. Jake sits on living room couch watching TV)
MIKE: Hey Jake.
JAKE: (without looking back from tv) Hey Mike.
(Mike pulls phone out of pocket and answers)
MIKE: (happy voice again) This is Michael speaking. Oh hello, Mr. Harpner! How are you? Good, I’m doing fine. What’s that? You want to make me VP of the company? Well hell yes I’ll take it the position! I won’t let you down either.
(Mike shuts off phone, tosses it to Jake)
MIKE: Good day, sunshine!
(Dr. Harpner sits at Mike’s table in kitchen. Stands as Mike approaches)
DR. DOVERTAIL: Mr. Swan.
MIKE: Oh hey, Dr. Dovetail, how are you?
DR. DOVETAIL: Good, Mr. Swan, and I’ve got news. Turns out the cancer diagnosis was a big mix up on our part. You’re completely fine! And please accept this large stack of bills as a token of our apologies.
MIKE: Well that’s a relief. I’m glad to hear it, I’m sure this sort of thing happens all the time.
DR. HARPNER: (shaking Mike’s hand exaggeratedly) Oh it sure does!
MIKE: (resumes walking) Good day, sunshine!
(A strange man in a poncho enters from behind Mike’s fridge)
PONCHO WEARING STRANGER: Hey Mike! Looking good, nice head of hair!
MIKE: Thanks, man! (looks back into camera as he unlocks front door) And I don’t even know that guy...
(Mike unlocks final lock on the door)
MIKE: (looks back at camera again, pulls door half ajar, as if preparing for a surprise on the other side) What kind of day is it?
(Every character; Charlie, Dr. Dovetail, Pancho Man, Jake, Nurse)
EVERYONE: It’s a good day!
MIKE: (turns back) That’s right! (lowers tempo; soft, personal) It’s a good day...
(Opens door. Sam stands on other side smiling)
SAM: Hey Mike.
Mike: ...for some sunshine.
(cut to Mike lying on his couch, waking from dream to sound of Jake knocking on his door and calling to him)

Scene: Mike’s Kitchen

(Mike sits by Bob on couch. Stares at Bob who is sleeping. Cocks head. Begins to poke Bob’s cheek to see what happens, chuckling)
(Mike’s brother, Jake, stares at all the pills that lie on Mike’s counter. Rattles a few)
MIKE: Jake, are you going through my meds again?
JAKE: (drops pills. Jumps down and scoops them up, speaking while he does, pauses as he notices a number written on a sticky pad attached to the fridge and cabinet doors) Uh…no, no! I’m just, uh…(opens fridge, sees another note with phone number written on it) thinking really hard about what I want to drink.
(Jake grabs two Capri-Suns and walks into living room. Sees Mike poking mid-air. Mike looks to Jake and stops. Lowers hand sheepishly)
JAKE: Cancer’s really fucking with you, ain’t it? (tosses Mike pouch)
MIKE: Yeah, it’ll do that.
JAKE: So how’re things?
MIKE: Not bad. Not bad. No...no, they’re pretty fucking horrible, man. What with the cancer and all.
JAKE: I hear ya.
MIKE: (laughs) Shut up.
JAKE: So who’s the girl?
MIKE: Huh?
JAKE: The girl you have a date with.
MIKE: (pretending to twirl hair) Why my dear brother, I do believe I have no idea what you’re talking about.
JAKE: (slaps his brother) Stop being a cock.
MIKE: I learned from the best.
JAKE: Bro, seriously.
MIKE: How’d you know?
JAKE: There’s like...four copies of her number scattered around the apartment. You left one in your fridge.
MIKE: Just a girl I met in a convenience store.
JAKE: Samantha?
MIKE: Okay, how the hell—?
JAKE: Dude, you’ve been talking about her for months, man. Surprised she said yes. That’s dangerously close to ‘friend zone’. So have you called her yet?
MIKE: Uh...no, not yet.
JAKE: Need some help? (begins to slurp pouch loudly)
MIKE: (with slurping sounds in background) Uh...no, never. No. No. No. Not from you. No. Uh uh...
JAKE: (sucks the last of his pouch up , blows air back in) Suit yourself.
---
(close up of Mike’s face as he records a message to Sam)
MIKE: Hey Samantha, it’s me Mike. I was just calling the number you gave me to see when you were free. I don’t know if you’re busy or at work, probably one of those things. So I’ll, uh, I’ll just give you a call later when you aren’t busy…or at work. Yeah…alright…bye.
(zoom out to show both Bob and Jake standing in the background)
JAKE: Dude...what?
BOB: What the hell’s wrong with you?
MIKE: (rubbing eyes) I have no idea...
---
(Jake opens the front door, turns back to his brother)
JAKE: Had a good time.
MIKE: Always.
JAKE: Keep yourself safe, bro.
MIKE: Much as I can.
(two perform elaborate handshake. Jake turns and steps out onto porch, but stops and looks back)
JAKE: Say, now that Samantha’s heard your attempts at courtship, you mind if I give it a shot and ask her out one of these days?
(Mike shuts the door in his brother’s face)
---
(Mike answers his ringing phone. Sam is on the other line)
MIKE: Hello?
SAM: Is this Mike?
MIKE: No, this is his butler, I’m afraid my master can’t come to the phone.
SAM: Hey Mike, it’s Sam.
BOB: Hey, least she called you bac—
(Mike holds up finger to shush Bob)
MIKE: Hey, Samantha.
SAM: So I got your message…
(Bob begins to speak. Mike waves hand for silence)
MIKE: Yeah, about that—
SAM: It was sweet. And I’m free tonight. What’d you have in mind?
(Mike glances back at Bob. Two bump fists)

Scene: Outside Movie Theatre

(Sam and Mike walking out towards their side by side. Bob follows close behind wearing an open collared shirt)
MIKE: How’d you enjoy the movie, Samantha?
SAM: Loved it. And stop calling me ‘Samantha’, we’re not in a supermarket right now. Call me Sam.
MIKE: Alright, Sam.
BOB: Score 1 for Mr. Swan.
SAM: What made you want to see 50/50 anyways? Cancer comedy your thing?
MIKE: Oh yeah, love cancer, everything about it.
SAM: I’m being serious.
MIKE: Really? I couldn’t tell.
SAM: Mike.
MIKE: Okay, okay, it just seems like something I can relate to right now.
BOB: (shuffling by) Careful now.
SAM: Huh?
MIKE: And I also like Seth Rogan.
---
(Mike and Sam lie on the hood of Mike’s car. Bob sits in the front seat of the car, bobbing his head to quiet music)
MIKE: So what do you think happens when we die, Sam?
(Bob in background makes a ‘what the fuck?’ sign)
SAM: We’re lying on a car hood next to each other under the stars and that’s what you want to ask me?
MIKE: Not romantic enough?
SAM: You’re a weird guy, Mike.
MIKE: I know, but seriously.
SAM: What do I think happens when we die?
MIKE: What do you think happens when we die?
SAM: I don’t know. I’d like to think there’s something else beyond this. Maybe not a Heaven, with fluffy clouds and all that crap, but something better, something bigger. Simpler, but bigger. A place where maybe not all our problems are solved, but where it’s just good enough.
MIKE: Something like what’s going on right now?
SAM: Something like that.
Scene: Inside Mike’s Car
(Mike and Sam sit in front seat of Mike’s car as he drives to the theatre. Bob sits in the back seat, listening intently to the two converse)
SAM: I’ve been waiting to see 50/50 for a while.
MIKE: Well, glad you enjoyed it.
SAM: Plus it was almost empty, so I got to put my feet up! (Holds up hand for high five)
MIKE: Yeah...
(Mike, keeping eyes on road, awkwardly high fives Sam after missing several times. Sam is quiet for a moment before she suddenly begins to hum the opening to “Baby it’s Cold Outside”. Bob begins to hum the male counterpart to accompany her female role while waiting for Mike to join in)
SAM: Come on, Mike.
MIKE: Do you always celebrate holidays early?
SAM: Humor me. I really can’t stay.
MIKE: Alright, alright...But baby it’s cold outside.
SAM: I’ve got to go away.
MIKE: Baby it’s cold outside.
SAM: This evening has been—
MIKE: Been hoping that you’d drop in.
SAM: —so very nice.
MIKE: I’ll take your hands they’re just like ice. Or, you know, awkwardly high five them...
SAM: (laughing) Shut up, you’re ruining it!

Scene: Outside Sam’s Apartment

(Samantha stops in the doorway of her apartment and turns back to Mike. Bob hangs back out of respect)
SAM: I had a good time tonight, Mike.
MIKE: Me too, Sam.
SAM: You know, uh, I’m not very good at this part, but you can come in…if you’d like.
MIKE: I’m not very good at this either.
SAM: We’ve got something in common, at least.
MIKE: Believe me when I say I’d like that, but I’ve gotta get going.
BOB: (calls in the distance) Nice work, showing restraint. I like it!
SAM: (looks disappointed) Really?
MIKE: Yeah, I’ve got work.
SAM: Always keeping busy.
MIKE: Always. Anything you need before I go?
SAM: I’d settle for a kiss.
MIKE: Um…okay. Lips or cheek?
BOB: (calling again) Are you serious!?
SAM: Surprise me.

Scene: Mike’s Bathroom

(Mike bursts into bathroom and flips up the commode lid. Bob stands outside bathroom with his back to the door Mike begins to vomit again.)
BOB: Sure got out of there fast. Smooth exit though. Back home now, huh? What’re we up to? (glances back) Ah…vomiting I see. (turns back) Good show.
MIKE: Ugh…oh God, Bob, please stop talking.
BOB: How long you been holding that in, big guy?
MIKE: About an hour into seeing Seth Rogan on screen.
BOB: Well you kept your cool, like a pro. Say, what’d you think Sam meant when she asked if you wanted to come inside—
MIKE: What the hell is that?
(Mike stares down into the bowl. Bob enters, peers over his shoulder)
BOB: What’s what?
MIKE: In the bowl.
BOB: The vomit?
MIKE: No, to the side. Is that hair?
(Mike rubs his hand through his hair, pieces come away in his hand)
BOB: We knew this was coming.
MIKE: I just didn’t think it’d be this soon.
BOB: We never do.
Scene: Mike’s Bathroom
(Mike staring in mirror, Bob behind him, holds a pair of bright orange scissors)
BOB: Come on, man, we both know you won’t do it.
MIKE: I got to man, I’m tired of shedding, you have any idea how much hair is on my pillow each day?
BOB: You can’t do it , man, look at it! It’s your hair.
MIKE: No, I can (slices off a chunk of hair)
BOB: Oh my God, Michael! What the hell are you doing?
MIKE: I’m cutting it off!
(Continue arguing, words overlapping)
MIKE: I can do it, (takes off a few strands at a time, tries to gather courage to make a bigger cut) I just gotta work slow at it!
BOB: Work slow? That’s your hair!
MIKE: I know it’s my hair!
BOB: Well you need your hair!
MIKE: I know!
BOB: Chicken. Do it then, come on.
MIKE: I’m doing it! (tiny strands continue to fall) I just gotta...like a bandaid....all at once...
BOB: Big bandaid.
MIKE: (hands shaking) Damn it! (throws down scissors and exits bathroom) Fuck it, I can’t do it. Just let it fall out!
BOB: (teasing voice) Where you going, you got the scissors right here!
MIKE: Shut up, Bob.

Scene: Mike’s Kitchen

(Mike holds up phone, Sam on other line. Just shot of phone on speaker as Mike talks to it)
SAM: Mike, it’s Sam.
MIKE: Hey.
SAM: I haven’t seen or heard from you in a while. Was wondering if you were still okay.
MIKE: I’m fine, just been feeling a bit under the weather.
SAM: Old October Flu again?
MIKE: Yeah, something like that.
SAM: Alright, I’m just checking. I wanted to make sure everything was good between us.
MIKE: Nothing bad could come between us.
SAM: Good to know.
MIKE: I’ll talk to you later, Sam.
SAM: Bye, Mike.
(Shot pulls out to see Mike standing over phone, almost no hair left on his head. Bob stands beside him)
BOB: So I guess I missed the part where you tell her you’re bald.

Scene: Mike’s Kitchen

(Mike sits at kitchen sink, washing dishes. Still wearing cap. Can see Bob sitting at kitchen table)
BOB: You gonna wear that thing all day?
MIKE: Yep.
BOB: How come? There’s no one here to see you? Sides me, but that don’t count.
MIKE: I can see me.
BOB: Well sure but—
MIKE: (sets down dish in washer) Hey Bob, do you think you could just give me a couple hours to myself? Just a couple. I need to be alone.
BOB: Not sure it works that way...
MIKE: (looks up from sink) Well try.
(Bob’s already gone. Mike looks back from table to sink and continues washing for a few seconds. Pulls out Santa Cup and washes away the soap. Holds it up in his hand and stares at it. Corners of mouth twitch. With a scream he hurls it to the ground where it shatters. Mike slams his fists against the fridge door again and again screaming in pain, frustration, fear, sorrow. Slides down along wood drawer below sink and begins to sob)