Ding Dong. You're Dead, Dan.

He told me he was going to kill me.
And he seemed very serious.
At least I think he was, I really wasn't paying attention.
I figured he was joking.
But then he killed me.

By now, of course, I've figured out that he wasn't teasing.

But I'm dead.
So I've got to wonder, why the hell am I still here?
Firstly, I have to figure out where exactly 'here' is.
It's all pretty dull.
Lots of corn.
Lots of white.
It looks a lot like Nebraska.
I hate Nebraska.

Now I'm not exactly sure whether this is all real or not.
But I know I'm not dreaming.
Because you don't feel it when a car runs you over.
Twice.

I do wish I knew who the fellow was and what I'd done to wrong him.
What could I have done to piss him off so?
Did I do his wife?
Course not, haven't slept with a women since Karen and I were wed.

Oh, that reminds me.
Karen.
I wonder how she's taking all this.
Probably not that well.
I did have a big life insurance policy though.
And we did just have a fight.
Could Karen have had me killed?
No. What nonsense.

I say, what is that big ray of light up ahead?

*bell rings*

"You have reached Heaven. I'm sorry but God is away right now. Please hold"

*smooth jazz begins to play*

God not in heaven?
This is absurd!
This is lunacy!
This is craziness!
This is whatever other word means 'crazy'!

-Good God, will you shut up!-
I say, who said that?
-Me, the big disembodied voice-
Are you God?
-Oh course I'm not God, otherwise I'd have said 'Good Me!' when I asked you to shut your mouth-
So who are you?
-I am Peter. I hold the keys to Eternity-
Aren't you supposed to be watching the gates. Speaking of that, where are the gates?
-I'm vacationing at the moment. But I couldn't resist playing that recording. Works all the time-

*silence*

Well...
-Well what?-
How do I get into Heaven?
-Well you simply walk-
Walk where?
-Ahead. You'll reach the gates eventually-
Wait, you mean I'm a ways away? Do you guys have bad travel agencies up here or something?
-We feel you'll need the walk. To come to terms with the fact that you're dead-
You know you could get sued for behavior like this.
-There are no lawyers in Heaven. Haven't you ever watched a sitcom before?-
Of course.
-Then walk-

Well how long is the walk?
-Aways-
I thought everything became clear to you after you died
-No. Just when you enter Heaven-
That's a bit overwhelming.
-Yeah well, you still have crap for brains a while longer. So start marching-
Where are you going?
-Back to the Bahamas. I'll check in on you in a while-

*click*
*dial tone*

What a pisser.

----

Well...I've been walking for an hour.
No sign of any gates or trumpet playing winged men in robes.
No sign of a big dude with a beard.
Hey I wonder if grandma's here.
Or Sparky.
Is there a dog Heaven? I'll have to see.
I wonder how Karen is doing.

"Dear lord. Help me to overcome my pain"

I say, Karen?
"Help me find the strength to move on"
Karen?
"Help me to comfort my child. Please Lord"
Karen.
"Please"
My God.
"Please"

*sobbing from unknown source*

Karen. Do not cry.
Please Karen, do not cry.

*sobbing stops*

Do not weep for me.
I will always love you.
Do not cry for me.
I will always be here for you.
Do not cry.
I will watch over you.

*silence*

"In the name of The Father, and of The Son, and of The Holy Spirit. Amen. Thank you Jesus. Thank you God"

*Karen's voice falls into silence*

-Well done-
Oh, it's you.
-Yes, it's me-
Have you been watching?
-You could say that. I haven't been looking away-
This was a test.
-Indeed-
I must comfort those who loved me before I can move on.
-Yes-

Could-could she hear me?
-Don't be silly, of course not. But she could feel you. Feel your presence-
Really?
-Have you never felt the touch of a loved one who no longer lives? Have you ever felt that they are standing beside you, when you find their old things. They are always here, my friend. Always. As shall you be, until Karen meets you-
I see.
-You do. You have reached the gate-

*glances up*

Wow.
-Yes. Wow.-
It's magnificent.
-It's the gateway to eternity, I'd imagine they spit shine it every now and then-
And this is where we part.
-Indeed-
Thank you, Peter.
-Of course. Just be sure not to tell too many people I'm not at my desk. The big man wouldn't like it-
Indeed.

*Peter laughs*

Will I get to meet him?
-Who?-
God.
-Of course-
Does he have a sense of humor?
-He created you didn't he?-
Ha.
-Goodbye, Dan-

*trumpets sound*
*laughter and voices echo ahead*

Goodbye.

FIN