THE LAST DANCE

Dear Northern Diary..
Sitting in the morning sun, with a gentle breeze wafting around my face, looking out over the technicolor pots of azaleas in Pa's neat garden. I can smell the healthy aroma of carrot & coriander..I am making batches of homemade soup varieties to put in Pa's freezer. So he has "much goodness" left behind from my short stay here in Castleton.
The feeling of emptiness & isolation lingers constant. No matter how busy I choose to keep, there is always this aura of despondency playing mind games. Last week I went to the cinema to see the New Mama Mia Movie. This particular song, now playing constant in my head, was set amongst a scene of pure nostalgia for the weepy hanky moment. I held my steely demeanor in the cinema but it obviously struck a chord, as it remains and retains it's musicality and lyrics.. A bit like me and my shadow... however It's title is " My Love My Life " A very poignant Abba song. 

On the evening of July 26th my boyfriend of six years finally succumbed to too long a battering from three recurring bouts of cancer. He was defiant in the face of adversity but paid a high price of suffering that no human being should ever have to endure. This battle was of his choosing, whilst we around him could only watch in despair as this amazing, dignified man was dismantled piece by piece until only a semblance of life remained. The last six months were only an existence as any quality of life slowly ebbed away. Indie would walk every day, get through the constant peg and meds routine, only ever cursing to himself of this constant impediment. Depression of his unlucky plight followed him always. Jealousy and resentment of other people's extended lives bored a hole in his heart. Yet so pleased to wake up each day and see his beloved great horned African owl Luna, out in the garden aviary, eagerly awaiting Indie's gloved hand to allow this beautiful creature to fly on his zip wire.

Often I struggled, as an onlooker, with all of his suffering. My weak spirit would play havoc against strength of character..so many times I wished to walk away. I never caved in to this but he knew it lurked in my head. He would see that "resigned" expression in my face & he would respond verbally. "My dearest Polly I cannot do this without you. Your smile is my strength to continue the fight, if I lose sight of that then I may as well give up, there would be nothing left for me."
No blackmail here..just complete honesty of need in reverence for the unique bond we had built and nurtured these past years.

On his last evening here on earth, he fell asleep in his favorite reclining leather chair and never woke up again. What a blissful passing. No hospitals or hospices. He really would not have gone down either of those roads. Indie was a private, dignified individual who had travelled the world, compartmentalized all of his many facets..trapeze, hang gliding, salsa & bachata dancing, pangolin champion, a true ambassador of love, life & all mother nature could provide to fulfill his constant wanderlust.

As I prepare to say goodbye to " My Fiery Dragon " my heart is heavy, my world is so empty.. Yet I have all of him still around & about me for the remainder of my lifetime. An " Indie Box " Of Memories both in my head & hard copy to savor in my weakest moments, allowing uplifting brightness of all that we held dear during our amazing six year adventure together... The Princess & The Dragon

Tread Softly Upon My Dreams Dear Heart Meet You In Carriage 4 Of Our Dreamland Express
Princess Polly Xxx