It Has Only Just Begun (Prologue)

It’s been a long time since I knew happiness. I didn’t feel lonely, but I was. I was ignoring it thinking that by surrounding myself with a bunch people I barely knew cut the pain. Not physical, but emotional pain. It is an awful feeling to be lonely. There was no one I could really talk to, but I was bubbly and outgoing. I made “friends” very easily, and I loved all people…I just didn’t trust them. Perhaps you understand what I mean, perhaps you don’t but can imagine: No one to talk to about who you like, who hurt your feelings, who gave you the “stink eye”, who you saw kissing, the cute shoes you’d like to buy…and on and on. There was no one for me to talk to about that stuff because I was a listener…and only the phone. People talked to me about their problems because I was a locked mouth. I could never share anyone’s business with others because, quite frankly, it isn’t my business to share. Oh, and no one wanted to hear me talk, let alone hang out with me. I thought I would be alone forever.
During the school year, my social life was especially painful. I had no friends or people that talked to me at the school I attended, so I would be miserable from eight in the morning to four in the afternoon. Those people who I would “listen” to were from around my neighborhood. I would never do my homework because I hated school to begin with, so my teachers didn’t care for me either. I was a wreck. I lost faith in God, I lost faith in my talents, I felt like I was ugly- too skinny, too white, too short, too much acne, not enough makeup…I felt like a nerd without brains. It pretty much sucked. In the afternoons, I would watch TV and play on the computer. Fun stuff? Well I regret it now because I was no longer as athletic. I remained small, yes, but I could no longer run the mile in under 7.5 minutes and I couldn’t do as many pushups. I was a slug and I didn’t even care. I would eat a lot because I felt too skinny. I didn’t gain any weight so I gave up on that- I figured it was better than being fat anyways. The school years were painful.
In the summers I would go away to summer camp. I was your stereotypical summer-fling brat. I had a different boy every week whose heart I could break or squish. I loved it. I would gain so much attention from boys and girls that it was as though I were making up for the lack of attention I got back home in school. I never ever went further than kissing but there was still one problem- my character, integrity, and honesty were becoming a thin barrier for me to live my life on. They were no longer important to me. I just wanted as many boys I could get in a summer and just as many girls to be jealous of me. I was a little bit on the “do not trust this person” side of the line, and I didn’t even recognize it. I hated those girls from fall to spring, and became them in the summer. After three years of this I realized what path I was going down and stopped it dead in my tracks. I would not destroy any more of my reputation or personal character.
This is the story of how I came to know my boyfriend and some of our escapades together so far: