Bricks

I love bricks! I love everything about them! The way the bricks click together when you attach them to one another, an oh the possibilities you acquire when those bricks click together time and time again, and you look at what’s in your hand and can see a shape taking place. Sometimes I create my best work without looking at instructions. I love it when I have piece, upon piece surrounding me, and I close my eyes and see what I want to make.

At home, I have two big plastic buckets full of loose bricks. I love nothing more than sitting on the ground and pouring them all over the place to then gather bricks of the same size, colour and depth, and put them together with that click that they make. I live for that click! It usually takes days to do this as there are thousands of blocks in those two boxes. I even love the sound of them hitting the laminated floorboards around me.

My mam watched me one day as I was doing this as it was so noisy, she had to pause the tv. She began to get worried because I was spending more time sorting them than I was playing with them. When she went to bed, I stayed up just sorting the bricks. She found me in the same position the next morning, knowing I stayed up all night. All that was left were the little pieces, which took more time and effort to sort. She got me off the ground and told me she was bringing me to get ice cream. Instead, we ended up outside a psychiatric hospital.

‘Now love,’ she began. ‘I saw how you were getting more enjoyment out of sorting the bricks and didn’t see you make anything, so I rang Dr White, and she organised a bed for you to stay here, but just for a few days!’

‘What?’ I asked, astonished. ‘Why?’

‘We think you might be having an episode!’ she informed me. ‘This place will make all the bricks come together for you!’

‘I, I can’t!’ I tried to explain to her, ‘there are just too many more bricks to sort!’ I said wringing my hands together nervously, uneasy at the fact I had bricks at home that weren’t clicked together appropriately.

‘Just come inside,’ she said in an upbeat manner, ‘it’s cold out here and it would be nice to get inside!’

‘But the pieces!’ I cried, realising I didn’t have a choice.

‘Maybe they have bricks in here that you can sort,’ she said with half a smile, ‘they might let you sort them!’

Reluctantly, I got out of the car and watched as she extracted a huge, grey case which was disguised as a duffle bag, and my backpack from the boot and walked me to the door. We were met by a lovely receptionist who asked me to take a seat and told us that we would have to say our goodbyes there and then.

Mam hugged me and whispered in my ear, ‘ask for some bricks!’ before telling me that she loved me and would see me soon.

As I sat on the assigned chair, I began to tremble at the thought of all of those bricks at home that I wouldn’t have the pleasure of clicking together. My hands were tapping against the arms of the chair and I was panicking, thinking that those bricks would think they weren’t worthy of the ultimate click.

A nurse then brought me into a little room and did a covid antigen test on me, something that was routine. She said, ‘we just have to be sure!’ as she tickled the back of my throat with the swab. ‘Do you have a preference as to which nostril?’ she asked as I tilted my head back and shrugged my shoulders. In the swab went and the antigen test came back negative.

I was then brought into a separate waiting area and was asked to wait there for someone to admit me.

‘But which seat?’ I asked with a shake in my voice.

‘Whatever one you’d feel most comfortable in.’ she responded.

I looked from the purple chair in the corner, to the yellow one in the middle, and then there was another purple one on the end. My gaze danced between them, and I put my hands on my head as I thought that no matter which one I sat in, there would be two left out. The nurse recognised I was struggling and led me to the yellow one in the middle.

Before I sat down, I looked at both of the purple ones. ‘Now they aren’t together!’ I cried.

‘Would it help if I moved the yellow one into the corner and you sit on that and put that purple one in the middle?’

‘But then they’re not even!’ I said with tears streaming down my pale, freckled face, fogging up my glasses, my hands still on my head.

‘Just sit on this one!’ she said, pointing to the yellow chair and almost leading me into a sitting position with her hands.

I put my elbow on my knees and cried into my hands until someone came to review me.

I wasn’t aware of anyone around my personal space, and definitely didn’t hear anyone calling my name.

I jumped out of my skin as I felt a hand gently pat my arm, its owner saying my name, ‘Kate?’

I quickly looked at the owner of the arm with wide eyes as I had genuinely gotten a fright. I wiped my eyes by putting the sleeves of my jumper under my glasses and sat, glued to the yellow chair and nodded.

‘Can you come with me and we’ll have a wee chat?’ the masked man asked. He had a buzz cut and I could see evidence of a beard before my gaze brought me to his eyes. They were a deep brown in colour and straight away I put the accent to the eyes…it was Frank. I could see that they were kind eyes, but the fact that they looked like he was smiling at me made me consciously get up off the chair and follow him into yet another room, this one smaller and it had only two chairs. One of the chairs was near the window, the other in front of a table with a laptop on it ready to take notes.

I was glad when he said, ‘you take that chair over there Kate, ok?’ and led me to it. That way he sat in the one in front of the computer, meaning that one of them wasn’t being neglected.

‘So,’ he started and looked at me, ‘how have things been since the last time I saw you?’

‘The bricks!’ I began wringing my hands again, ‘not all the bricks are clicked yet!’

‘Ok,’ he nodded, ‘and what would it be like if all the bricks had clicked?’ he asked calmly.

‘They’d be together,’ I answered.

‘And what would happen if the bricks remained as they are?’

‘They’re not together, they’re not together and they haven’t clicked!’ I answered, my hands cradling my head again as I rocked backwards and forwards in the chair.

‘Can you recognise that the bricks haven’t clicked because you’ve not been taking your medication?’

I began to rock faster.

‘Kate? Can you hear me?’

‘The bricks aren’t all clicked together!’ I shouted and started to sob.

‘Kate, you have to keep taking your medication!’ Frank started. ‘The bricks only need to click when you’re not taking your meds!’

‘NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!’ I screamed and began to hit myself in the head with my hands.

‘Ok, so I’ve obviously hit a nerve!’ Frank said, his voice still as calm as ever. ‘What does it feel like when you take your medication? Do the bricks click then?’

I was rocking in the chair…silent.

‘Kate, can you look at me please?’

I shook my head no.

‘Its me!’ he said. ‘Its Frank!’ he took off his mask and asked once again, ‘will you just look up and see my face? I’ve taken off the mask!’

Slowly I began to lift my head and eventually met his gaze. It was indeed Frank! It was the man that I’ve come to know for years now as the team liaison nurse for Dr White! I immediately stopped the rocking and went back to wringing my hands.

‘Thank you!’ he smiled. ‘Now, can you tell me what happens when you stop taking your medication?’

‘The bricks don’t click!’ I said calmly.

‘Can you understand that when the bricks don’t click, that that’s not a bad thing?’

I shook my head.

‘Dr White was talking to your mam yesterday, and your mam told her that you haven’t taken your medication for two weeks now, so she did.’

I nodded.

‘Do you remember last time you came into us, and you were taking your medication and it didn’t matter whether the bricks clicked at all anymore?’

I nodded.

‘Would you like that to happen again? Will you come in and you can have the bricks, but I want you to make those elaborate buildings that you made the last time.’

I stared at him blankly.

‘Do you remember those ancient Chinese buildings that neither of us knew how to pronounce?’

I nodded.

‘And you made a cherry blossom tree with parts that I didn’t think could be that small!’

I nodded again.

‘Your mam told Dr White that she put some of those sets in your suitcase so you can still hear the bricks click, but it would be a different type of click!’

I stared at him blankly again.

‘We will give you all the bricks, but you have to take all of your medication and once you give us those intricate designs made in full like before, you will get more. Is that something you would like to do?’

I nodded emphatically. ‘I don’t like when the bricks have to just click!’ I admitted.

‘So you would prefer to make something out of them?’ he asked smiling at me, his eyes so sincere and genuine.

‘Some of them can be beautiful when they’re made fully!’ I smiled back.

‘What would you say to me bringing you onto the ward, and you take your medication that Dr White has already written up, and we root in the bag your mam brought in to see what one you’d like to do first.’

‘Now?’ I asked, my brow raised.

‘Yea!’ Frank smiled. ‘Your bed is made and everything!’

‘And I can choose?’

‘Absolutely!’

I smiled and nodded as Frank put his laptop in its bag and led me into the locked ward, bypassing the nurse’s desk and opening the first door into the inner sanctum. It was a door like you’d have at a bank where one door opens only when the other one is closed.

I stopped in my tracks, my smile gone. The thought of bricks was gone out of my mind. I didn’t want to go into the inner sanctum! I began to shake my head as Frank held the first door open.

I was suddenly aware of all the nurses around me, urging me into the little space between the doors. Frank had obviously orchestrated that! They began to come nearer and nearer until I let out a scream, dropped to my knees and moved into the foetal position on the grey tiled floor in the middle of the ward, my hands over my ears.

Bells began to go off everywhere and I felt a pinch in my upper right arm. I began to feel sleepy but kept my eyes open as nurses were bursting through the door ten to the dozen. As the drugs kicked in, I tried my best to fight them, but as I hadn’t taken any in a couple of weeks, they came hard. I felt my eye lids slowly closing and then there were hands on my arms and legs as they helped me to my feet and dragged me into the inner sanctum.

I wasn’t sitting on the bed two minutes, when a nurse came around and handed me a pot of pills and a cup of water. I reluctantly took them as I wanted to get the bricks Frank had promised. I can faintly remember his voice saying something like, ‘I’ll leave them with the nurses!’ when, finally my eyes closed and I was helped into a lying position in the bed, a blue blanket thrown over me.

All I did for the next week was sleep, and then be woken up to take pills which made me sleep more. The longer I took the medication, the less it bothered me that not all the bricks had clicked. Eventually, I was looking at things in a different light. I was less drowsy and, as promised, I got to pick my choice of the three kits of bricks my mam had packed. She even started to come in to see me. I gave her my dirty washing and she gave me more brick kits.

When it was time, the doctor saw me and tweaked my medication so that the need for the bricks to click was no more.

‘I put all of the bricks at home back into the plastic tubs!’ mam said on her third visit. She was surprised when I didn’t react negatively. ‘I even took apart the ones you had grouped together!’ she said bracing herself for uproar, but there wasn’t any! I was totally fine with that! I knew all of the bricks wouldn’t fit unless they were loose, and not clicked together.

When I’m on my medication, I can create wonderful works of art. I’m one of the lucky ones, because my mam always makes sure I have bricks to build with for when I go off my medication and need them. That sense of satisfaction that I get when they click together, pleases me in a way nothing else does!

I love bricks! I love everything about them!