Goodbye kisses

When I left you, we said goodbye and blew kisses. You went to Aldi to get the groceries because, even though the price of petrol has risen, the overall savings wrote their own story. We had tried to be financially sensible since covid hit. We were both teachers making our jobs secure, but with the move onto the property ladder, the wedding and the pitter patter of tiny feet landing upon us these last three years, financially we are spread a bit thin.

Being a teacher of mathematics, I’m blessed as that is probably the one subject that its almost impossible to get a tutor for. I taught physics also but the grinds that were coming my way were from people asking for help with their maths. I gladly took on as many students as I could as the money came in handy.

On my way to Swords to teach a girl named Mary, a regular of mine, I was wondering why the traffic was so heavy. I got to Blakes cross and could go no further. Most were turning around to enter from another direction, but I definitely had to go through Blakes cross to get to my destination.

I saw flashing blue and red lights in the distance and heard sirens come from behind me. I pulled into the ditch to let the fire brigade pass. As each car readjusted their GPS to show them an alternative routes through what was to be perceived as an automobile accident, I moved closer and closer to my destination.

I happened to get so close to see that there was a lorry and three cars involved in a collision. It was sprawled over both lanes and I looked at the clock. I did what I should have done twenty minutes ago and went to see if there was any way past this horrific accident. The next place to get to a ten-minute journey from where I sat was over thirty minutes away. I rolled my eyes and looked at the poor innocent victims sprawled over the road. I looked at the cars involved. One of the was a black Volkswagen golf, like the one my wife drove, and like the one she drove a ‘baby on board’ sign was crushed but still visible.

I cancelled the grind and said I could make it up to her by giving her the next one free. She was happy with that and I told her to email me any questions or queries if she had them in the meantime. Just as I was presumed the road was blocked off. A garda came to the windows of my car and the three cars in front of me informing us that the road was going to be closed for the time being. I nodded and began to turn around.

As I reversed back to the hard shoulder to aid me in turning the car I had one more look at the wreckage, my focus on the black golf. I noticed that the license plate was familiar and a bad feeling enveloped me like a wave. I pulled into the hard shoulder and without even removing the keys ran as close as I could to the golf.

‘Excuse me sir but if you can ju…...’ an officer was saying to me, my hands grabbing tufts of my hair.

‘You don’t understand……’ I jutted in.

‘…….st get back in your car there is nothing to see here! the officer finished.

I saw bunny and immediately threw up. Bunny was my daughters favourite teddy bear, she brought it everywhere with her. Surely to God she wasn’t in the car that looked as though it was split in two. I vomited again at the thought.

When I regained my composure, I pushed past the gardai and saw what every father and husband dreads to see…. their dead wife and child. Poor Izzy, my eleven-month-old daughter had a shard of glass in her neck, her whole blood volume gone, her body as white as a sheet. My wife, Bella, was eviscerated, the whole front part of the car missing.

I tripped and fell to the ground. When I got back up, I realised it was one of Bella’s legs I had tripped on. I could pick those toes out of a line up any day having painted them the night before myself. Hell, there was even the heart diamante I had placed on her big toenail.

Bile rose again before it all got too much and I fainted. I remember a paramedic coming to my aid. All I could say was ‘my family!’ and point to the golf. They lifted me into the back of the ambulance as I began to hyperventilate and even though I fought them they didn’t let me leave it until I was ‘medically clear’.

Two nice gardai drove me home and stayed with me until some family arrived in the shape of my mother who lived five minutes away. I heard them whispering in the hall but could only focus on what we needed in Aldi. I was in shock.

My mother made all the necessary arrangements and called Bella’s family who lived in Wexford. She had some Xanax that she produced to get me to sleep for a few hours, my dreams haunted by the sight of my dead wife and daughter.

As I stood by the graveside, the small coffin beside my wife’s, I broke down crying, my body convulsing with each breath. I didn’t want to leave them there but my mother, who was leading me away, said that they’ll always have each other. My family gone forever, I said goodbye and I blew kisses.