Mental awareness

I have been in and out of mental health hospitals since I was eighteen. I’m unfortunate, yet fortunate to have a mental health condition called borderline personality disorder (BPD), or emotionally unstable disorder (EUPD). The wording on the condition is dreadful because when you tell people you have it, some ask; ‘so how many personalities do you have?’ It’s not like that at all! It just means you process emotions, thoughts, and feelings differently. It’s a relatively new diagnosis in the sense that not many people have heard of it, yet more and more people are being diagnosed with it. Like most mental health conditions, it tends to manifest itself in people who would be in the category of late teens to early twenties, and is usually connected with a trauma.

I said earlier that I was unfortunate yet fortunate to have it. I’m unfortunate to have it because it is so hard to live with, yet during my many stays in a mental health hospital I have met the most wonderful people. There tends to be ‘frequent flyers’ like me who find we overwhelmed with life and need that extra bit of support every now and again. Not all people in the hospital I go to, or the ward I stay on, have BPD. There are a variety of mental health disorders out there, yet no matter who you are or what you have you have that one thing in common, you have each other. That is the unspoken understanding.

Yes, having nurses and doctors on the ward is brilliant, but it’s the patients themselves who are the biggest support system, in my opinion. You don’t have to wear your emotional mask or be afraid that people will pull back because you are sick because everyone in here has been there, done that. The masks are off here! It’s one of the toughest things in the world to deal with, but with people who understand where you’re coming from in your corner, you can do anything!

Unbiased people are the key to recovery. Unfortunately, there is no medication for BPD itself, yet there is for the symptoms which arise due to it. People who have BPD have a tendency towards impulsivity, difficulty controlling emotions, feel badly about themselves, repeatedly self-harm, have the feeling of being ‘empty’, and when stressed, have a tendency to hear noises or even hear voices. I’ve had all of the above.

Later in life I learned that about 70% of people with BPD will make at least one suicide attempt in their lifetime. I am one of the 70%. I ended up in A&E on numerous occasions for stitches or for an attempt at suicide. I’m not ashamed of my scars, after all ‘scars tell you where you’ve been but they do not predict where you’re going’.

The best way to deal with BPD is psychologically. I have been undergoing a treatment known as schema therapy for ten years now, and have learnt good solid skills to help deal with distress. I am in my thirties and finally starting to live my life. However, if I meet someone new there is no way I would be able to tell them what I have because no one understands it. There is no awareness for BPD, yet there are more and more young people being diagnosed with it every day. I’ve had it for eighteen years and still can’t explain it completely.

I’m no expert but would love to make a request to those of you who are reading this piece not to be afraid of saying the words ‘I have borderline personality disorder’. It sounds harsh, but it’s not a death sentence. To those of you who don’t have it and this is the first time you’re hearing about it, keep an open mind. Those of us who have it aren’t crazy, we are just emotionally challenged. Always remember that no matter what there is help out there.