THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS

twas the night before christmas
and all through my home
the only things stirring
were thoughts in my dome

my brain was befuddled
from whiskey i'd drank
alone and forlorn
quite the drunken old crank

then out through the window
i saw something bright
a police helicopter
a-shining their light ?

i tugged on the draperies
to cut down the glare
saw a strange group of hippies
just standing out there

their leader was haloed
twas quite the surprise
i knew in a flash
it was ol' jesus christ

with hair past his shoulders
and nicely groomed beard
he very much looked
like the pics that appeared

and he looked around
at his odd little gang
and took a quick roll call
his voice sweetly rang

there's thomas and matthew
and simon and jude
and andrew and john
and those two jimmy dudes

there's simon and phillip
and there's peter too
and there in the rear
i see bartholomew

jesus then told them
to wait and abide
and next thing i knew
christ was there by the side

i stuttered and stammered
and felt pretty dumb
i told him i thought
that saint nick should have come

but jesus just chuckled
"he doesn't exist
but i've traveled here
to present you a gift"

"its not like a present
that comes in a box
or ends up just crammed
in some chimney hung socks"

"my present to you
is an offer of peace
and if you accept it
your worries will cease"

decidedly puzzled
my head i did scratch
and i said "that sounds lovely
but pray, what's the catch ?

jesus said "you must
believe i'm the one
that i died for your sins
cause i'm truly god's son"

i lowered my head
shook it hard till it cleared
and when my eyes opened
he'd clean disappeared

then i heard his voice
and his final reply
"santa claus never comes
but the judgement day's nigh"