WEDDING VOWS

we all showed up for the wedding
of our friends, lorraine and joe
this was no wild whirlwind courtship
they had taken things quite slow

they both were nonconformists
so the normal route was out
they'd written up their own vows
that they wanted carried out

LORRAINE : i take you for my husband
i will love you till the end
i will be your loyal companion
i will be your true best friend

JOE: i will take you for my wife, dear
and until the end of time
i will be your faithful husband
and your lover, so sublime

LORRAINE : i won't make you do the dishes
i won't make you hold my purse
when you're sad, i'll make your cheerful
when you're sick, i'll be your nurse

JOE : i won't make you watch the golf match
i won't make you wash the car
i will put no one before you
in my life, you'll be the star

LORRAINE : i will never tell you falsehoods
i will never be a bitch
i don't mind that you are aimless
and you'll never make it rich

JOE : i won't go out playing poker
telling you i've been at church
and i'll never come home drunken
so i slur and weave and lurch

LORRAINE : no, you won't be playing poker
cause we'll have no cash to spare
for your job is really lousy
but you never seem to care

JOE : well, my wages may be low, dear
but you, yourself, could get a job
instead you lie around all day
just looking like a slob

LORRAINE : you think i have bad habits ?
well , let's set these people straight
you like to fart and belch a lot
and your breath is not that great

JOE : your hair's not really auburn
it comes straight out of a box
and if you didn't dye it monthly
you would have quite grayish locks

LORRAINE :oh yeah ? well, you are paunchy
and you're wearing a toupee

JOE : your face is full of pockmarks
and you chew your nails away

LORRAINE : you spent two years in prison
bet these people don't know THAT

JOE : you have bad body odor
and your legs are way too fat

LORRAINE :i should have listened to my mother
for she told me you were crass

JOE : you REMIND me of your mother
you're both stubborn as an ass

LORRAINE : LISTEN UP, YOU LITTLE MORON

JOE : DON'T YOU TAKE THAT TONE WITH ME

LORRAINE : YOU WILL NEVER BE MY HUSBAND

JOE : AND MY WIFE YOU'LL NEVER ME

the minister then remarked to them
"does this mean you will or wont ?
lorraine and joe, in unison
in thunder screamed, "WE DON'T "