Mass Masturbation causes Italian Eco Disaster

The worlds political leaders are in crisis talks today after Pope Benedict XVI nearly brought about the biggest natural disaster in human history.

Addressing the people of Vatican City last night in an unscheduled speech The Pope claimed that 2000 years of holy doctrine stating masturbation as a sin would be lifted as of that moment.

He backed up his shocking revelation by saying that it was Gods will in an attempt to stop the massive burden on the planet due to over population.
Oral sex was also added to the list of new acceptable practices as long as there was no spitting involved, anal sex was still mentioned as a cardinal sin but in the case of provocatively dressed alter boys the church would be willing to look the other way.

The Popes speech was interrupted 3 minutes in by what seemed at the time to be thunderous applause, but actually turned out to be the sound of 20,000 catholic men and priests who had gathered outside the Vatican now masturbating en-mass.

Within 10 minutes the news had spread to the outskirts of Italy like a tsunami of self abuse. The men of Italy were dropping trousers and tugging one out where they stood, unable to contain a lifetime of denial and self control for one second longer.

A disturbed bystander from inside an ambulance whilst being sedated said,
'It was terrifying, first the noise and bedlam that ensued then the realisation that I was surrounded by an almighty wank fest, we just ran for cover but there was nowhere to hide, it was like it was raining porridge, the smell afterwards was disgusting, that slapping sound will haunt me for years'

The situation arose that the authorities needed to be called in, but the country had come to a stand still, every man had his hands full. Eventually an all female troop of soldiers were called in to bring about some order but the event of heavily armed uniformed women confronting the perpetrators only seemed to make matters worse.

Eventually The Pope, now nicked named 'Gods Grottweiler' had to take a one handed stand at the Vatican and renounce his earlier statement.

The wanking went on into the early morning as the army rounded up the last few groups of men trying to get in a last hand shandy. But Italy had endured 4 solid hours of masturbation by 30 million catholic men.

Emergency squads have flown to Italy to start the rather unpleasant clean up operation. Shipping containers full of Tissues, Industrial cleaner and air freshener have been arriving from all around the world, donated by the countries concerned neighbours.

A spokesman from Greenpeace said,
'The damage to local wildlife is huge, do you have any idea what its like to get semen out of feathers and fur? Its bad enough getting a bit of friendly fire in your hair, imagine these poor birds with their wings glued together, or dogs with their paws welded to the floor by it'

He went on to say, 'The beaches now resemble a decorators table and are a no go zone, the long term effects to eco system might never be known'

President Obama condemned the Popes actions last night, but reminded the public how lucky we are that news didn't spread to the rest of the worlds catholic population and was contained within Italy.
It would have been the end of civilised society as we know it.