Dear Kaleb

Dear Kaleb,

It's 2 am here again
all the lights in the house are on
and I didn't lock the door
just in case

Earlier today, when you called
I was sitting in a coffee shop
at the Giza train station
next to a table full of Japanese tourists
[one spoke on her phone,
the other looked at photographs
on her high-tech digital camera,
the man among them, smoked sullen]

I came home
and made a compilation for you
with all the versions of Wild Horses
I could find

[Ray LaMontagne slipped in, unnoticed
an error in judgement]

And I'm listening to it
for you.

So you were right
about X&Y;
it grew on me
but it is hard to listen to
cause you played it that night
that we never mention
[everytime we talk, it's on the tip of my tongue]
and the songs make that night
seem grander than it was
filled with less regret
and a little bit like washed-out love.

Speaking of love,
I heard from Richard today. I've been meaning to tell you
about him
Although there isn't much to tell.
He used to call me kissyface.
He calls me Love now
[Without the significance of capitalisation of course]
after he tells me the score in the last Yankees game

I saw Requiem for a Dream the other day
and I remember talking to you
about how I should watch it
[unless this is another misplaced, misappropriated conversation]
and I wanted to let you know
how it has stayed with me
how I sat for 10 minutes after the film had finished
paralysed
how it reminded me of a friend
the one with the motorcycle accident
the wheelchair, the needles, the fluroscent hospital corridors
the one with the sheets burned through with cigarettes
the one with 8 am phonecalls to dealers
the one who overdosed the same day I got stuck in an elevator.

The one I never told you about.

After that, I put some music on
[shuffle: Nine Inch Nails - Closer.mp3]
I am not a glutton for pain
but I left it on.

Right now, there's a dog barking outside
and I want to close the window
because the sound reminds me of Lesotho
but if I shut my eyes
I can pretend that I am 17
and we never met
and I am still obsessed with John
and I didn't wait until 2 in the morning
for you to call
like you said you would.

My nausea was under control for a while
but it's been acting up lately.
Last time I went to a doctor
she told me it was psychological
and that maybe I should find someone to talk to
[that was before I met you]

And today, this girl, Amira,
she said that I've lost weight
and that would be good
but I haven't been trying to lose anything.

I slept a bit earlier,
I was watching another film
[Derailed]
but it was one of those copies
handycam-ed in the cinema
and some bits were missing
but it doesn't matter
because it wasn't very good,
and I fell asleep before it came
to a clichéd end.

My throat is dry
from too many cigarettes
and not enough water.
I bought two packs. But forgot to buy water.
(Have you noticed how strange Cairo tap water tastes?]
And I can't get that bottle of wine open.

If I had your swiss knife
and arms
maybe I could.

I am tired now, Kaleb
and all these things don't matter.

And all these things, Kaleb
should not be spilling out
and you are so good
at holding it all in

if you could just show me how.