"Locum-motion"

Hi it’s Archie Scudclog reporter of strange stories and seeker of the truth, with another tale from people who are quite insane.
This time I went on the truth trail to investigate a man who claimed he was Gods Locum for 40 days and 40 nights till the heavenly Father sacked him for refusing to work Sundays.
The alleged locum, known locally as Godfrey Pantryflake, (or God to his friends)of Wetwanger on the gums just past Yorkshire, reckons he’s taking God to a heavenly tribunal claiming unfair dismissal and compensation.
He claimed that his sacking had nothing to do with Sunday overtime, saying it wasn’t compulsory that he work Sundays anyway, as he isn’t a born again Christian, Mormon, or Jehovah’s Witness. He added that God just wanted to get rid because he was in the process of downsizing his kingdom, re to eventually going totally computerized. Apparently, according to Mr. Pantryflake, negotiations are already underway with Google who have put forward a proposal and tender for ‘Search Engine’.
Anyway, his story was turned down by other magazines, who branded Mr. Pantryflake a complete fruitcake, and crazier than a ferret up a male ballerinas tights. I got wind of this story and decided to follow it up myself.
So I telephoned Mr Pantryflake and he agreed to meet me for an interview at his sons pub called; ‘Jesus Inn’ which according to a map he’d sent me was situated at the crossroads of All Saints Street and next door to The Pearly gates Dentists. The map said to drive north till I reach the Eden garden centre. At this point, a note was pinned to the map asking if I’d make a short stop and nip inside the centre to pick something up for him. I was to ask for Moses to serve me, then, tell him that God sent me to pick up a new burning bush he’d ordered online as the previous one went out after a day, and he’d square him up when he gets to heaven.

A couple of hours later, after my solicitor eventually convinced the Police that I was not the patient who’d absconded from the ‘Crazy Bee mental institution, recently shown on the 6.00 news, I was unlocked from my straight jacket and released. I jumped back into my car and proceeded towards Jesus Inn. I had a score to settle with this nutcase. I eventually arrived and was met at the door by some weirdo dressed in a hooded white robe with open sandals. He was cradling a ferret and small tortoise in one arm, with a sheep tucked under the other one, and a large green parrot perched on his shoulder.
Jesus Inn? I asked him.
“No my friend, he’s out, fishing with Peter, Paul, and Mary what’s her face.”
“May I help? I am Noah Arkwrite from the water board, here to investigate reports of recent flooding on these premises,” replied the man.
“God’s inside calling the bingo,” squawked the Parrot.
“SSHHUSSSHHH !!!” “ You just can’t keep your mouth shut can you?” said Noah, nipping the birds beak tight shut.
I explained that God was expecting me, so Noah marched me inside to a seat where I was told to, wait till the bingo session finished. Ten minutes later, a little old man ambled towards me, looking more like one of the Tetley Tea folk than God, wearing braces, flat cap with a tab-end of a role-up stuck in his long beard, which he was apparently saving till later.
“I’ll give thee ten minutes lad, then I’m off to do my Carol service,” he said.
What, in the middle of July? I asked him.
“Aye mebbie so lad!?” he said, but my Carol works Christmases tha knows,”
Next thing, Godfrey clapped his hands and a tall club footed Oriental hunchback hobbled awkwardly towards us carrying a tray with drinks in one hand, and a large Chinese wok in the other. Godfrey introduced him as Charlie Modo the hunchback from ‘Shin-Tins’ Chinese laundry’ up Clay pit alley. Funny thing but although I’d never seen this hunchback before, his name; ‘Modo’ did seem to ring a bell!
Aahh right! So he’s not the pub chef then? I asked pointing to the wok. Godfrey shook his head and said;
“Nay lad nowt o sort, he’s just borrud it to iron his shirts on,” he said.
After handing me what I assumed was a pint of beer, Mr Modo spoke.
“I make vellie nice twaditional dlink for you, made wiv beer and mixed wiv tomato juice,” said the hunchback
MMM!! sounds interesting. Does it have a name? I asked, just out of politeness, after which Godfrey interrupted;
“Aye lad an us folk round eer call it a ’Bloody Ale Mary,’ he said proudly, without cracking his face.
I see……. Listen, before we continue further. Could you answer this question please Mr. Pantryflake?
“Aye chuck, if I can.” “Ang-on though, you’re not one o them pests from the good music society, wanting me to turn Des O Connor into a singer, are you lad? Cos even I can’t perform that miracle,” he said.
No, no I just want to ask……… Are you for real? Or is it just some stunt to get your face in the news and make some dosh cos you’re out of work? Go on…. I promise not to say a word. You’re fiddling the Benefits aren’t you? Go on you can tell me the truth! We’ll still buy the story, I assured him. Well ……..his face dropped like a sudden dose of piles and he glared at me with his cold fixed glass eye, while his real eye spun a 360 degree circle like it was possessed by an evil force.
“How dare thee accuse me of such wickedness. I swear it’s the gospel truth. “Why I’ve a mind to send thee packing and find another reporter!” he snapped. “Just remember, tha’s not indisposable lad!”
I decided not to mention the Eden garden centre incident cos this fella was obviously one sandwich short of a picnic, so I apologized for doubting his integrity and after a tad of groveling he calmed down.
Ok Godfrey here’s a sensible question. How did you find out about the Locum job in the first place then? I asked.
“Simple, it were advertised in our local Holy Herald under jobs vacant”, he said.
I thought, yeah, of course, where else?! Ok then, so you must’ve had your interview in Heaven so, how was that made possible unless you were dead? Or…… did you simply have to apply online or by letter? I asked.
“Talk sense lad that’s nigh-on impossible. Obviously all applicants were required to apply by prayer!” he said, grinning.
Ok……., so in that case, how did God let you know that the job was yours? I said, reckoning this one would finish him off.
“Easy, eee sent his chief Angel Gabriel to inform me through one of mee- dreams,” he said, coolly. Can’t say fairer than that Mr Pantryflake, I told him…….Oh and just one more question if I may Godfrey. While you were up in Heaven, did you meet Elvis, or any other famous stars, like say…John Lennon?
“Nay lad, but I can tell thee who isn’t up there,” he said, pointing his finger downwards signifying ‘Hell’
Oh please…….. tell me, I said.
“Well, bank manager’s forra start,” said Godfrey.
Ah, right, you mean they go to a much hotter and Godless place? I asked nodding. Looking somewhat bewildered he answered;
“Well mebbe some of em might go to Iraq, but I’m talking about…..down there in an awful place of torture.”
Oh, you mean Hades I said, and Godfrey laughed.
“No…. I mean flaming Gordon Ramsay and Hell’s kitchen lad,” he said.
Godfrey looked at his pocket watch. “Anyow cocker, can we get onto some legal stuff now? I’ve not done this sort o thing afore.” I decided that’s it! This fruitcake’s got another 3 minutes then I’m out of here faster than a gay swimmer at a Michael Barrymore pool party.
Next, I attempted to explain that what he proposed to do was literally impossible to achieve. But…..He remained adamant that it was possible, providing he finds the right lawyer for the job. So, I tried to put him straight, explaining that such a lawyer did not exist and when it came to the law no one is higher than God for he is both Judge and jury, and the buck stops with him. Godfrey’s brow arched and there was a look on his face of unyielding confidence as he said,
“ Ahhh! But tha’s forgetting summat though lad. Remember that God’ll be on trial as well tha knows, he’ll be in the box too, so he’ll not be able to act as Judge & Jury as well will he? He can’t be in two different places at same time can he Mr. clever clogs reporter,” he smirked.
Ok, I see your point Godfrey, but you must never forget that God is also omnipotent.
”Aye, he said, but his sex life has nowt to do with it. He could tek Viagra for that chuck! “
O…K….moving on quickly. Tell me Godfrey, do you already have someone in mind for this job? Or…….??
“Aye, I do chuck, but I’m not at liberty to comment as nowt’s been finalized yet cocker,” he said.
I smaned, well I find all this very hard to believe Godfrey. Are we talking about a living person or what? “Aye lad, and with more life than a tramps vest.”
Ok. Male or Female?
“Can’t tell thee, cos she’d kill me if I said owt.”
It’s a woman then. Is she British or American?
“Errmm, neither, she’s a Yank, well at least she sounds Yankie on telly,” he said.
Right, so this legal eagle is a female Yank, plus a TV celebrity? Good God it’s not Ruby Wax is it Godfrey? Oh please tell me it’s not Opera? I told him he’d get more money if he disclosed her identity, but, he shook his head.
Very well Mr. Pantryflake, have it your own way but the story won’t carry much clout without her name I said.
So do tell me. How did you find this alleged supreme legal eagle, super human, t v celeb then?
“Easy……. On Google,” he said. “Then a link cem up for ‘Go compare dot con.’
I laughed…..So you found her on ‘Google?’ Oh well, say no more Godfrey. However, he did.

“Aye, and she’s on ‘Face book and Twitter’ and has her own website.
Sounds like a fascinating lady, Godfrey, tell me more about her.
“She runs a charity shop to help lost soles. Gives em free bastinado treatment. It’s a good charity that ‘St Bastinados. Anyways, she’s promised to tek job on so long as the trial dunt fall on her Bingo night,”
I shook my head, laughing in disbelief. So, I asked him again, Mr. Pantryflake, is this or is this not a wind-up and who are you? What’re you really after? I even offered to pay him double for the truth, but, he wasn’t having any of it, and yelled at me.
“MONEY, you think this is about flippin’ MONEY???” He roared.
Well, we all have a price Godfrey! I told him, and for some people, it’s purely for money, while for others, it might be power or fame perhaps. So what floats your boat then Mr. Pantryflake? Well, I definitely hit a raw nerve there. His face turned redder than a baboons bum cheeks.
“HOW DARE YOU!!?” he bellowed. “I onny want justice and fair play. So, either tek us seriously, or, pop off. I looked at him. There were serious tears in his eyes as he took a deep, calming breath through a quivering bottom lip “Sorry about my outburst of emulsion,” he sobbed, but are you gonna print my story or not?”
I nodded. Ok, but are you sure you don’t wanna disclose that name Godfrey? It’s worth an extra 500 smackers, and with that, the parrot flew across the room and perched on Godfreys shoulder;
“It’s Judge Judy…….it’s Judge Judy!!! Now gimmee the dosh!!!” squawked the parrot.
Noah dashed up to the bird and grabbed it’s beak tight shut and sighed;
“Judas, what have I told you about being gobby!!!!!!” he said.