2004: My Aunty (Nan)

In December 2003, I had a dream where I was on a bus. The bus went
for miles, it drove up a mountain and when it got to the top, I woke
up. We never drove down the other side.
I took the dream as that I was in for a downfall. In my dream, I went
up a mountain, in reality, I fall down. Looks like next year's going to
be a bad year, but how bad? Let's see????

Thursday 1st January 2004

The New Year had arrived, it was now finally time to start again and
that famous clich? 'This year's going to be better than last year' rang
out.
I was happy, my sister had given birth just before Christmas and we had
a new pup, everything was going great.

Wednesday 7th January 2004

Third day back at work and already I was having time off, not for
anything bad though, I had to go to Physio for my back. I was in the
room and the physiotherapist started asking me questions and then asked
if I ever had any testicular pain. I stared at him and then admitted
that I did, I had done for a while, but I wasn't going to go and see
anyone, it's embarrassing. He then told me that I had to go back to the
doctors; he said that he didn't mean to worry me, but I had to get
checked out for testicular cancer. I told him there wasn't a lump, but
apparently back pain and weight loss were a 'Red Flag' when it came to
testicular cancer.
I didn't know what to think, it kept going over and over in my head 'I
don't mean to worry you, but you may have cancer', whey, cheers
mate.
I made a doctors appointment as soon as I got back to work, but I
didn't say anything to anyone, except that it was only for my back, so
nothing to worry about.

Thursday 8th January 2004

Next day and I was due at the Doctor's, I told her what the Physio had
said. The doctor had a feel and then without any warning, I had to have
3 blood tests and supply a urine sample.
I arrived home twenty minutes later and I didn't know what to do, do I
keep it to myself, or do I tell people that I could trust. Normally,
I'd automatically not say anything, but recently at work when I'd done
that, someone got funny with me because I wasn't happy at the time
because my mate fell ill and I didn't go looking for attention by
telling people what was going on. So obviously I thought she should
know, that way she wouldn't be shitty with me, I had to tell my boss,
that way he wouldn't overload me with work and I wouldn't get stressed,
and I had to tell Ness because she's my mate and then she can tell the
other two. There was no way I was going to open up to them, it's ok
opening up to Ness, but I can't open up myself to them.
Luckily I was already stoned when I phoned her and I hated it so much,
I don't like people showing any kind of sympathy, I don't know why, I'm
weird, I'd rather help other people.

Sunday 11th January 2004

It was the last day of the weekend, so I went round to see my mate
Sarah. She's a lovely mate, I met her 9 years ago when I started going
to church, I don't go now though, I stopped when I was 16. She had been
in heart failure for sometime, and I've been there to help.
I asked her how she was and it wasn't good. She told me that she'd been
to the Doctor's, where she was told that her heart was worn out. I
could have cried there and then, but I didn't, I remember thinking to
myself 'she's on her way out, fuck'.
I knew I couldn't say anything to anyone, I was scared of what might
happen, I couldn't have people knowing I have problems, otherwise they
may not open up to me as much, I'd rather help them with their
problems.

Monday 12th January 2004

By now I was fed up, it was the evening, I was sat on the floor
listening to music, smoking &; drinking, I didn't have work the next
day and I even had the guts to say 'Thing's couldn't get any worse'.
After I said it I had really bad de'ja vu, and I don't know why, but I
thought about something bad happening on my day off.

Tuesday 13th January 2004

Just after 2am my mum came in my room, the first thing I thought about
was when my Uncle died and she came in to tell me, she sat on my bed
once again and then I thought 'No, not Uncle Mike' and then she said in
a very calm way, 'I'm sorry, Aunty Doreen's died'. Fucking hell, that
hit me so much, so so much, within seconds I had gone, it wasn't me in
side, I was like a kid, I said 'No, no' but in a way I can't explain, I
had no emotion, and I was pointing my index fingers at her and then
putting them on my mouth as I was saying it, then I had a go at her,
saying 'You can't tell me that, you can't, no, you can't say that to
me', but again, in a very strange way. She said she had to tell me then
and not in the morning because my cousin, Malcolm, had left a msg on my
mobile, and my mum didn't want me finding out in that way.

I can still hear the song going around in my head 'Are you Friday, are
you Friday, are you Friday in disguise, are you Friday in disguise'; it
was the 13th after all.
I never slept all night, I was stoned and I didn't want to stay at
home, the atmosphere was stale, so I went to work, I needed cheering
up, but it didn't work. I ended up leaving at lunch and went over town
drinking. I met up with Jim in the Hogshead and I ended up drunk as
hell. I had to be seen as I was in it, and it was going to get
worse.

Wednesday 14th January 2004

The morning after the night before? I was at work, I couldn't accept
it, it was too weird, she had gone, just like that. At least with my
Nan and my Uncle, I knew they were dying, but this was different, she
was taken away without any warning.
On the Monday evening, she was taken to hospital after having an asthma
attack. They had to keep her in over night and when they were taking
her up to the ward, she was laughing and joking, straight after that,
she had a heart attack. Nah, this wasn't real. Today was her Wedding
Anniversary, at least she's up there spending it with my Uncle.

Thursday 15th January 2004

It was results day. I phoned up the doctor's and they told me I had the
all clear, brilliant news, so why's it still hurting?
It wasn't only results day, but the start of my return to Shitsville.
Someone who I like at work started hating me, because I was an
attention seeker and I annoyed her, huh? I couldn't believe it, I had
spent so many shitty years helping people out and not always opening
up. I was an attention seeker because I mentioned one thing to her, she
found out herself that my Nan died, I didn't tell her. She said there's
always something wrong with me, yeah fair enough I admit that, but I
had never asked for it. It just happens. I've never spoken to her about
any of my problems, only a small problem I had with a girl, and I re
paid the favour when she asked me for advice about some bloke she
liked. Like I've always said, I care more about other people than I do
myself, if only people knew me, knew how I think, they wouldn't think
of me as an attention seeker and they'd like me more. But its no point
telling them, they'd never believe someone like me would exist; they
don't know what they're missing.
We also had a date for the funeral; it was 30th January, 15 days away.
The hospital had to do an autopsy on my Aunty to confirm how she
died.

Thursday 22nd January 2004

It was a week later and I had to go back to the Doctor's, I still had
pain in the testicles and again they done some tests and again I had to
wait a week for the results.
Back at work and my head was being done in, the girl at work still
hated me and I couldn't understand why, it was like I was stuck in a
box from where I couldn't open up properly, I wanted to talk to someone
so much, tell them how I was feeling &; thinking, so I just kept not
accepting it, because even now, it just doesn't seem as though anything
happened. She died too quickly, and the funeral wasn't for ages, just
couldn't be accepted.

Wednesday 28th January 2004

6 days on and I think my dead Aunty was a bit angry. What it was, was
that the funeral directors were cocking everything up. The date for the
funeral kept being changed, until being changed back to 30th, and then
they changed the date for going to the Chapel of rest. How did I know
my Aunty was angry? Wednesday evening my cousin phoned to say that she
was outside the Chapel, the viewing had been changed to today, and as
soon as the phone went down there was a clap of thunder and a freak
blizzard. It was snowing none stop whilst thundering and lightning,
something a lot of people have never seen before. This was happening
all the way there, it took us about half an hour to get to Woolston.
When we got to the Chapel, it all stopped. The two things my Aunty
hated a lot was snow and thunder and lightning, so, was she
angry?
Me, my mum and my dad went in to the room my Aunty was in, but it
wasn't her, not to me. She looked too different, I couldn't recognise
her, the whole thing was crazy and seemed even less real. Without
meaning to sound too harsh, but she reminded me of the chimp from the
old PG Tips adverts. My dad cried, the first time I'd ever seen him
cry, and yet I couldn't.
My mum and my dad walked out the room, but I stayed there staring. My
cousin, Christine, walked in and I'll never forget what she said, she
told me that my Aunty was very proud of me, I was her favourite and she
loved the day I asked her to be my Nan, Christine told me that my Aunty
loved me calling her Nan.

Thursday 29th January 2004

The results from my tests were in again, they were clear, leaving me to
scratch my head. There was no point, I'm hurting, they can't find
anything so again I've got to live with it.
I had one last chance to see my Aunty at the Chapel; I went with my
cousins, Malcolm and Theresa. We went in and still it wasn't her, to me
it wasn't her. I tried to force myself to cry, but I couldn't. Theresa
broke down so I put my arm around her to comfort her.

Friday 30th January 2004

It was funeral day. I finished work at 1pm and I'm sure I can say that
I wasn't miserable. Despite what had been happening to me, I was making
an effort to stay happy at work, saves people thinking of me as an
attention seeker.
At the funeral I was slightly stoned, I didn't feel upset and hoped I
would do when I got there, but nothing. My cousin, Luke, hadn't turned
up, he was supposed to be helping to carry the coffin, but now they had
turned to me. I was scared, I hadn't carried a coffin before, what if I
had dropped it, just as I was getting ready my cousin turned up and I
was so relieved. After the service everybody went outside, I looked
around and everyone was crying, but I wasn't. 2 minutes later I was
gone, I had to cry, everyone else was. Just then, as I had done for
her, my cousin Theresa put her arm around me for comfort.

Sunday 1st February 2004

2 days had passed and there was one last thing to do, help empty my
Auntie's flat. I felt like shit, I still couldn't believe it and yet I
was feeling shit. I walked in to the living room and just stared. My
two cousins and me got the flat cleared, and now was the hardest part,
walking out and closing that door for the last ever time. That was it,
all my relatives in Weston had passed on and I had no reason to go
back.
Just as I left I kissed my palm, and then placed it on the door.

Goodbye Nan.

I dedicate this story in Loving memory to my Nan,
22nd July 1934 - 13th January 2004.