2004: The Remainder

Just a month into the New Year, and already things were fucked up,
thing is, I was unaware as to just how much worse it would eventually
get......

Thursday 5th February 2004

It was Thursday and I had the day off. I told Sarah I'd go round hers
at about 10am to change her bed for her and turn the mattress
over.
After I changed her bed etc we went downstairs. She then turned around
and said to me 'I wish I could pay you more, you're ever so good to me,
I don't deserve you, you're a saint', I wanted to cry, what she said
was sweet, but I told her that I didn't do it for the money, which she
knows anyway, and that she did deserve me. I will admit I have taken
money from her, but only because she gets upset if I don't take it, but
I'm not keeping it. This might sound harsh, but I'm saving the money
she gives me to help pay for her funeral.

Thursday 26th February 2004

I again went to visit Sarah and she wasn't getting any better, she
seemed tired out and couldn't seem to get about very well, I was really
starting to get worried.

Wednesday 3rd March 2004

Another visit to Sarah and by now she had changed a lot, she was
starting to get confused and started to repeat herself a bit, she
didn't look too well at all.

Tuesday 9th March 2004

Yesterday and today, I had started to lose it again. I was still
thinking about my Nan, it still didn't seem right. By 12pm I was
fucked. I had been drinking vodka and smoking pot at work, and then at
lunch I went to the pub, I felt like shit.
5 mins after I got back to work I started to cry, and I had to leave
the room very quickly, I just wished I could change.

Tuesday 16th March 2004

I was at work, and I phoned Sarah to find out how she was; it took her
a while until she answered. She answered the phone and she didn't sound
good, she wasn't good at all, she told me it was best I don't go see
her anymore, she couldn't even talk without getting breathless and then
she hung up. I went outside and cried once again, why was this
happening.
Later that evening I went round to see the Vicar's wife, Val. I knew
that she'd be seeing Sarah still and I wanted to know if she'd keep me
updated and to let me know if anything happens. Val told me that
Sarah's family were going round to her everyday and that Sarah was too
afraid to go out anymore, she then said to pop round at 3pm on Friday
and she'd see if Sarah was fit for a 10min visit.

Friday 19th March 2004

If I knew this was going to be a roller coaster day, then I probably
would have stayed in bed. Work was brilliant, tomorrow was my 21st
birthday and they had balloons and banners up for me. During the day
Lou called me over and started talking to me, next thing I knew, there
was a cake with candles and people were gathering around. They gave me
a card signed by everyone and a present, I was nervous and started
shaking, but I loved it. No one knew how much that had meant to me, I
had been going through so much shit and they all gave me a much-needed
boost. Words couldn't even describe how much it meant.
I got in from work and my Aunty Norma &; Uncle Mike were there.
About 45mins later my Aunty received a phone call from my cousin, (her
daughter Jo), my cousin was 8 months pregnant but the baby had cysts on
the brain. She told my Aunty that she had been bleeding and that she
was being taken to hospital. My Aunty got off the phone and began to
cry, I wanted to, but I held it in. My Uncle started rushing about and
nearly had a heart attack, things were getting worse.
I arrived at the Vicar's at 3pm and knocked on the door. The Vicar
answered the door, straight away I could smell alcohol and I could tell
he was drunk. Val then came out and said that Sarah wasn't well enough
that day for visitors. She took my number and said that she'd phone me
if anything happened, if there was no phone call, then I was to pop
round again the following Friday at the same time. The Vicar then kept
saying 'She's on her last days, she's on her last days', what the fuck,
why was he saying that, fair enough he was right, but he didn't have to
keep rubbing it in.
I went home and got partly stoned, I wasn't supposed to because I was
going out that evening with people from work for my birthday, and
because someone was leaving, but I couldn't help it, I needed to be
happy.
That evening was brilliant, I was totalled, had a great laugh with
everyone, danced and I even managed to pull a bird. I was out until
2am, so I managed to celebrate the start of my birthday and in style,
led out on one of the couches in Yates' making out, not bad.

Saturday 20th March 2004

Whey, it was my birthday, I woke up a little bit wee, little bit woo, I
loved it. I went downstairs and opened up my presents, went over the
stadium for 10am to meet Jim for a beer and then left at 12pm.
I arrived back home where we had a toast then went out for a family
meal, I had to start on coke ha, ha, I felt a little, you know. I
eventually ordered a pint and stuck in to a nice gammon steak and the
usual, chips.
I arrived back home once again and got ready to go out. I was meeting
up with a few mates over the Red Lion, well, I say a few mates, I was
absolutely surprised to see the amount of people that turned up, 30
odd. I couldn't believe it, I was very touched and overjoyed at the
turn out, it was the best birthday ever.

Wednesday 7th April 2004

I went round the Vicar's to find out how Sarah was; he said that she
still wasn't good and that she was going in to hospital on Tuesday. As
usual, I went home and got stoned; it was the only way to deal with
it.

Friday 9th April 2004

I bumped into the Vicar's wife round the shops, I asked how Sarah was.
Val said that Sarah still wasn't good and they didn't know when she'd
be out of hospital. Huh? I couldn't believe it; I had misheard the
Vicar. Val told me that Sarah wasn't going in to hospital on Tuesday;
she had been taken to hospital on Tuesday.

Friday 16th April 2004

I went to visit Sarah, It had been a week since I found out and I was
scared of what I'd find. She wasn't brilliant, totally confused and
everything, I was really scared, I didn't want to lose her.

Tuesday 27th April 2004

Well, today was a day that would change me; I got a written warning at
work, why? Long story, but here goes; a woman that started with us
about a month previous, Emma, put in a complaint about me because I was
taunting her ever since she arrived, with nasty and crude comments, and
they were getting worse each day. Ok, I admit I was making comments;
I'm not going to lie. I said things like "have you farted" &;
"you've got greasy hair", I thought it was friendly banter, seen as the
first thing she ever said to me was "your mother sucks cock in hell"
and she didn't have a nice look on her face at the time, her eyes were
weird. She could give it, so I thought she could take it. She said that
it was a statement from a film (and, so what) and that she said it to
shut me up because I had been taunting her ever since she arrived. Ok,
lets get one thing straight, I never spoke to her until about a month
after she had been there. Anyway, a written warning it was, I couldn't
be bothered to argue, I had more important things going on. Plus, no
one would really have been bothered with what I'd have to say, at the
end of the day she was crying. She managed to turn them against me. I
still don't think I done anything wrong
I found out all sorts during this, my mate Nessy had agreed with
everything that Emma said, which I couldn't believe at all. Just
because Emma was crying, everyone backed her up, even though they
didn't know it all. Also, previously to this, I got moved from where I
was sat and in to the corner. I knew someone, and who, got me moved. I
found out she put a complaint in because I was coming out with mindless
comments, it was at the same time as when my aunty (Nan) died, I was
just trying to amuse my self and make people think I was happy, I
didn't want to be depressed and have people think I was looking for
sympathetic attention.
I learned a lot, I wasn't going to hold it against them, life's too
short. If they can't be truthful to me then that's fair enough. All I
had to do was keep myself to myself, but with everything that was going
to happen, it proved difficult, very difficult.

Tuesday 11th May 2004

Sarah came out of hospital a couple of weeks later, and then through my
own selfishness, I lost contact for a while. I thought I was doing
right at the time, a lot happened between May &; October and I
became really depressed, I didn't want her to see it.

My Mum got taken in to hospital after having a stroke, it was really
scary. When she got taken in, me, my brother, his fianc?e and my sister
went over together. We got to A &; E and said that our Mum had just
been brought in, the nurse looked my Mum's name up on the computer and
then paused, she turned around to a nurse behind her, pointed to the
computer and whispered "She was in resus", she then picked up the phone
gingerly and said to the person on the other end "Is Moureen Chapman
still with us?" With that I had to walk out, and my sister followed. At
that moment, I honestly thought my mum had died, I was so crushed, but
then very relieved to find out she was still here.
After that, about a month later, I lost my Uncle, I only knew him for a
little while. My parents, brother &; his fianc?e had been visiting
my Uncle Cyril &; Aunty Lena since my Aunty Doreen died, but they
never told me, I found out 3months later. He passed away with cancer, I
only knew him for a little time, but they seemed a very lovely
couple.

I thought things would get better, but they didn't, not at all. I never
ever asked for any of it, but a while after, I made a good friend, his
name was Barry. He was a best mate of Darren's, another mate of mine. I
got to know him properly on Darren's stag do. He was a typical scouser,
great sense of humour, drank a lot and had a mean streak. He was also
hiding.
He seemed happy, but that was only on the outside, on the inside, he
was tangled up and yet, he never showed.
A couple of weeks later on a Friday, he walked in to The Red Lion, we
had a great night, all the lads got on with him straight away, it all
seemed right, so perfect, he fitted right in. We all met up the next
night as well, which was rare of me to go out both nights, but I knew
it would be a great laugh, and it was. That night, we agreed that we'd
meet up next Friday and watch St Helens in The Red Lion. It seemed as
though we had a new addition to the group.
Well, what a cunt I was, Friday arrived and my mate phoned me to invite
me to town, it was his 21st birthday, so I couldn't say no. Barry
phoned me up, but I had to let him down, I didn't take much notice at
the time, but I remember he sounded depressed.
That night, he killed himself, I found out 2 days later, I couldn't
fucking believe it, just couldn't. If I met up with him it may not have
happened. He burnt his flat down and barricaded himself in. The police
got through and dragged him out. At the hospital he said that it was
the Northam Boys, the police believed him because he had had trouble
with them in the past. He got discharged from hospital, went to the
parks and hung himself. I was so gutted, I had all sort of feelings, I
hated myself, I hated him for what he'd done and yet I missed
him.
At the same weekend, my mate Mick from the Red Lion, who got on well
with Barry, lost his brother, and then I had to be a cunt and tell him
about what happened. Next day I went to the pub to tell the rest of
them, I'd never done that before, it was weird, unexplainable.

By this time, I was so depressed and fucked up, I broke down at work
and got sent home, it was horrible, and still, God had more up his
sleeve.
A regular from the pub passed away, he had been ill for sometime with
cancer, but he was now at peace and I was so numb. Whilst another mate
from the pub, Neil, had a heart attack, he's ok now, but respectively
at the time it wasn't nice.

Then by October I was having panic attacks, the second time I was taken
to hospital, again I was so scared, I hated it, I felt sorry for
everyone that saw it.

November? My Uncle Mike got taken in to hospital with kidney problems.
When I first went to see him, it wasn't actually him, he didn't seem
with it. My mum went back that afternoon, and apparently he was pulling
his hair out. After about 2 weeks he seemed a lot better and was
discharged.
I also had a text from Anna. Her and Robert were ready to come to
England, I wasn't. Nothing was ready at all, no place for them to stay
or jobs. They arrived within days, I tried so hard to find them
somewhere to stay, even looked for Hostels, but I'm dumb as bricks.
They ended up staying at the bus station with no money, no nothing.
This was supposed to be a new start for them, they'd been through a lot
and this was my chance to give them a better life, but at the moment I
couldn't. I even had a great idea, I still had the keys to the old
office, and it was perfect for them to stay, as long as they were out
of the building each day from 7:30am until about 6pm, not much I know,
although they still had somewhere to wash, sleep etc, but the locks had
been changed.
I honestly thought nothing else could go wrong, but God is such a
bastard. The year wasn't over yet, cue the rest of November?

I said it had been a while, but I phoned Sarah, but there was no reply,
I tried for 2 weeks. So I phoned the Vicar, again, there was no reply.
I then phoned Tom Axton, another friend of Sarah's, and mine but he
wasn't in. I spoke to his wife, Sally, and asked her if she knew if
Sarah was ok. She told me that she &; Tom had just come back from
holiday, and heard that Sarah had been taken in to hospital at the end
of October with stomach cancer. I felt sick, I let another friend down,
not just any friend, but Sarah, the person I'd known for 9 years and I
neglected her.
I went over to see her the next day, she looked at me and said, "It's?
it's Gavin? isn't it?" she wasn't being sarcastic, I wished she was,
but she wasn't. I could have cried there and then, but I didn't. She
kept on repeating herself, kept asking me what the day was, she was so
out of it.
It was now over a week into December and I met up with Anna and Robert
again. I had a crazy plan that could have easily gone tits up. I spoke
to my mate Pete Mowe, who used to work for me, he was still working at
Tesco, and so I asked if he could help me get Robert in. I told Robert
to meet Pete outside a place called Chambers on Monday morning at 9am
and that he'd be going to work. Then I told Anna to be at an agency at
1pm on the same day. Thing is, I knew Robert wouldn't be working
straight away, if at all, and the thing with Anna, that wasn't going to
work either. But I knew that they'd be able to work things out from
doing what I said, because I knew Anna would go with Robert first, to
make sure nothing went wrong, which I hoped didn't. I then left them to
there own devices, like I said, I knew things would turn out ok; I just
had to leave them for a while.

I admit though, my mind was pretty screwed by now, I didn't want to be
at work and I didn't want to be at home. The panic attacks were
becoming too regular, I was still cutting myself and no one really came
to me with their problems, so I had nothing to distract me, most of my
thoughts were on everything that had and that was happening. I even
ended up opening up a couple of times to someone. It was wrong of me,
but I opened up to someone by texting her and dropping hints about
things that were going on and then made it look like I was sending the
msg to the wrong person. I know that if I didn't, I'd probably be worse
off, so I'm very thankful to her because she didn't mention them or
have a go at me, to me she was like a life jacket, a disguised angel.
But at the same time I felt guilty and every time I had text her and
then woke up the next morning I regretted it straight away. I was
always drunk and stoned when I sent the messages, so at the time I
didn't care, until the next day arrived.

It was now halfway through the month, I wasn't prepared for the rest of
December, anything could have happened. I just desperately wanted the
year to end?

Wednesday 15th December 2004

I had the day off to go Christmas shopping. At about 5pm I went to The
Red Lion, my mates Pete &; Neil were in there. Pete turned around to
me and said "sign the card for Esta", Esta was the barmaid, and she was
dating Richard, the landlord. I had a puzzled look on my face, and then
he told me that Esta had a fall on Sunday and cracked her head open.
That Wednesday at 2 in the morning, she got rushed in to hospital with
a suspected blood clot. This wasn't right, it was like the whole world
was collapsing around me, Sarah's seriously ill, my Uncle went back in
to hospital, I had two immigrants living on the streets and a friend
with a suspected blood clot, it wasn't Christmas, not yet.

Sunday 19th December 2004

I phoned the General to see how Sarah was, but she was no longer there,
she had been transferred to the dreaded Moorgreen. I tried to go and
see her that afternoon, but I was dumb and couldn't work out the bus
routes etc.

Monday 20th December 2004

I had the morning off for my second drugs counselling session. I felt
that it went really well, I didn't open up too much, I told her things
that had happened, but tried to avoid telling her how I felt. What
happened when I got home? Yup, I got stoned.

Tuesday 21st December 2004

I went out with my mate Helen. She needed to talk and so I suggested
going over the Red Lion. I suggested there because I wanted to find out
how Esta was, and things seemed to be looking up. She had been
discharged from the hospital on the Sunday before. She still wasn't
brilliant, but good news finally.

Thursday 23rd December 2004

I went over to Moorgreen to visit Sarah and I couldn't believe it when
I got there. It was my first visit since she got transferred; yet I
knew I could have gone straight to the room she was in. She was in
exactly the same room as what my Nan was in when she passed away 4
years ago. I walked in and I could have cried, all I could do was just
remember my Nan led out on the bed.
Sarah wasn't good either, she was still confused, I don't think that
will change, and there was excrement in her bed. Sarah was no longer
the Sarah I met. She kept on repeating herself and it took 15mins to
get in to her head what day it was, and then within 2mins she
forgot.

Friday 24th December 2004

It was weird, something was going to happen, I didn't know what but I
knew something was going to happen. I'd always asked my Nanny Clarke to
warn me if anything bad was going to happen and I swear she was in my
room Thursday night making banging noises.

Saturday 25th December 2004

Christmas Day arrived and it was a nice day. I actually spent time
downstairs with my family. I thought my dad would be miserable all day,
respectively, because it was the first Christmas without his sister,
but he wasn't. I cried a little bit, but I was happy and everyone else
seemed happy.
The evening arrived and the phone rang, it was my sister. My little
nephew Kai had to be taken to hospital. My eldest Nephew, Stevie, had
pushed Kai out of his room and slammed the door, Kai's thumb got jammed
underneath the door and ended up bent and crooked. At the time I have
to admit I was so pissed off with what Stevie had done and I really
wanted to have a go at him, but I didn't. I treated him as though
nothing at happened, and I'm glad I did because it turned out Stevie
had Kai's best interest at heart. Stevie said he was getting the Lego
out and Kai wouldn't get out the room, he didn't want Kai in the room
because he didn't want him to swallow a bit of Lego and die (that's
what I was told he said, so I believe). I know he shouldn't have pushed
him, but hey, it's done.
Anyway, they took an x-ray of my nephews thumb, but were unable to
take a proper look at them due to a couple of emergencies that had come
in, so my sister had to go back on Monday.

Thing is, I still knew something bad was going to happen. The thing
with my Nephew wasn't it; my Nan was there again that night.

Sunday 26th December 2004

This was it; this was what my Nan was getting at. I got up at about
10am, I went down stairs and my Dad told me my mum had a mini stroke
during the night. I'm not quite sure how I felt, a bit numb I guess. My
mum should have had an operation by now and our doctor said to my Mum
that she could sue the hospital. Dr Lewis was cool; he was so pissed
off when he found out about my mum having a whole in her heart, the
hospital should have picked it up 4 years ago when my mum had her first
heart attack.
It was also time for me to get in touch with Anna. I sent her a
message asking if everything was ok and if they had found jobs and a
place to stay. She text back and it was the best present I had that
Christmas. They found somewhere to live and work together, which I knew
they would. What happened? Just as I thought it would, my plan had
worked. I knew that the driver that was due to pick Robert up for work
earlier in the month was Polish and that Anna would be going with
Robert (if for some reason Anna hadn't, things may have totally cocked
up, Robert's Italian, Anna's the Polish one), I knew Robert wouldn't
get in to Tesco straight away, leaving him and Anna on their own with
the driver. Anna would then talk to him and tell him their story and
the polish driver would find them a place to stay and help them get
work at the agency, which is what happened.

Monday 27th December 2004

My sister was due to take my nephew to the hospital about his thumb.
They couldn't tell if it was broken or not, although there was damage
done to the tendon. Hopefully his thumb should straighten out, but my
sister had to keep a close eye on it.

Wednesday 29th December 2004

It went out that night with a few mates and eventually ended up in the
Red Lion. I saw Esta; she was just leaving with a few bags of clothes.
She was moving out, punctured a lung and she could no longer be in
pubs.

Friday 31st December 2004

It was finally the last day of the year and nothing went wrong. I was
afraid in case I cried at the stroke of midnight because I was up my
sisters, but I didn't. The clock struck 12 and it was all over. 2004
had gone, my aunty, Barry, all gone, now making it 4 years of bad
luck
2005 had arrived, but what was it set to bring. On the bad side, my
mum's health is worrying. But there were pluses, Anna and Robert had
jobs and a place to live, I was getting drugs counselling and Sarah was
getting better cancer wise.

The question was, what will 2005 bring?