Bruce & Dick - PART 2

 

The Joker saw his nemesis and his boyfriend (so the rumours went) on the CCTV, standing around having a bit of a chinwag outside the front door to his lair.

 

“My plan is coming together,” said that man, in a tone of utter evilness. “Now you will see just who you are dealing with...”

 

“Oh good, the pizza’s arrived,” said evil henchman Brian.

 

“The what has what?!,” said the Joker.

 

“Double pepperoni and salmon, with a Camembert crust.”

 

“Firstly... ew! Secondly... that’s no pizza delivery, it’s Batman and Robin!”

 

“Look closer, boss.”

 

The Joker did so. It was, indeed, not the famous crime fighting duo, as he had presumed, but rather two man carrying a fourteen inch pizza box between them.

 

“Firstly,” said the Joker, “why does it take two men to deliver a pizza?”

 

“Health and safety,” said evil henchman Brian.

 

The Joker gave evil henchman Brian a look. “Secondly,” he then continued...

 

And with the press of a button, the pizza delivery guys exploded.

 

“Will you write me a reference?,” said Brian.

 

“No,” said the Joker.

 

Brian considered a career in journalism.

 

...

 

“Mom!”

 

“Dickie!”

 

“What are you doing here?”

 

“I live here. What are you doing here?”

 

“Stopping an international supervillain from doing something more terrible than you can possibly imagine. I thought you had gone to live in Majorca with the Tesco’s delivery man.”

 

“That joker.”

 

“Speaking of which,” said Batman, who was getting a little impatient.

 

“Oh yes,” said Robin. “Is the Joker in there?”

 

“Weren’t you listening?,” said the mom of Robin (aka Dick Grayson (aka Dickie)). “I left him in Majorca.”

 

“Not that joker, the Joker.”

 

“You’re making no sense, Dickie.”

 

“Please don’t call me that, mom! I’m Robin now.”

 

“And I suppose this is your boyfriend?”

 

“The rumours aren’t true, mom.”

 

Batman raises his eyebrows - not that you could see it, behind the mask.

 

“They must be,” said Mrs Grayson. “I read it in the Daily Mail.”

 

“Mom, you’re embarrassing me!”

 

“In front of your boyfriend?”

 

“Enough pontificating,” said Batman, as he pushed past Robin’s mom. “Come on, Boy Wonder, we’ve got a supervillain to thwart.”

 

“(‘Boy Wonder’?),” said Mrs Grayson, as the dynamic duo started dramatically whooshing around all the rooms of her house.

 

...

 

“What’s that noise?,” said the Joker, in reference to the stomping and whooshing and exclaiming coming from the house next door.

 

“Probably just kids, robbing Mrs G,” said evil henchman Bill.

 

“Can we blow them up?,” said the Joker.

 

“Probably best not, boss,” said evil henchman Bill.

 

“You’re no fun anymore,” said the Joker.

 

...

 

“I think we’ve got the wrong house,” said Batman, after a thorough five minute search of all the rooms.

 

“I could’ve told you that five minutes ago,” said the mom of ‘Dickie’ Grayson.

 

“Holy secret passage, Batman!,” came the voice of Robin, who had gone for a wee.

 

“What is it, Robin?,” called Batman to his sensitive sidekick.

 

“Come into the bathroom with me,” responded Robin.

 

Mrs Grayson (who was called Beryl) raised her eyebrows - which you definitely could see, as she was not wearing a mask.

 

Batman entered the bathroom, to find Robin pulling up his tights.

 

“Where’s your secret passage?,” said Batman.

 

“That’s a bit forward,” said Robin.

 

“No, I mean...”

 

“Oh yes...”

 

Robin flushed the toilet, and while he was holding down the handle, he pulled. The section of wall behind the toilet, along with the toilet itself, swung open, as of a door. Behind the ‘door’ was a passageway.

 

“Well done, Robin,” said Batman.

 

The Dynamic Duo were about to enter the secret passageway, when Robin’s mom said, “Wait!”

 

“What is it, mom?,” said Robin.

 

Beryl eyeballed the toilet lid, which was up.

 

“Mo-o-o-o-om!,” said Robin, in a tone of sheer embarrassment.

 

“Sorry, Mrs Grayson,” said Batman, who closed the lid, then indicated for he and Robin to proceed into the passageway.

 

“At least one of you was raised right,” said Mrs Grayson, seemingly oblivious to the irony of this comment, as the Caped Crusader and his boyfriend (allegedly) went off to save the city.

 

...

 

“We meet again, Mr Batman!”

 

“Not ‘Mr’.”

 

“What?”

 

“No need for the honorific. Just ‘Batman’.”

 

“What are you saying, Batman?!”

 

“That’s better. I am merely pointing out that if I was called Mr Batman, then the assumption would be that ‘Batman,’ as opposed to being my nom de plume, would be my actual surname, which would further presuppose that I am called ‘John Batman’ or something, which wouldn’t be so dramatic, would it?”

 

“What, in the name of Satan’s Y-fronts, are you on about?!”

 

“I am merely playing for time, whilst I figure out what to do next.”

 

“(Batman!),” whispered Robin to Batman, as he nudged him not-so-gently in the ribs.

 

“(What is it, Robin? Can’t you see I’m attempting to establish a hero-villain rapport with my arch nemesis?)”

 

“(But Batman!)”

 

“Excuse me a moment,” said Batman to the Joker, as he took Robin off to a quiet corner somewhere.

 

“No problem, Mr Batman,” said the Joker.

 

“Just ‘Batman’!,” said Batman.

 

“(I know...),” whispered the Joker, with an evil grin on his chops.

 

“So...?,” said Batman to Robin, when a suitable distance from the Joker was established, which was approximately the length of a stage, indicating that the Joker was, in a theatrical sense, outside of earshot, even though in real life he could hear perfectly well what was being said.

 

“You are giving away your plans, Batman!,” said Robin.

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“All this, ‘I am merely playing for time, whilst I figure out what to do next’.”

 

“I am a superhero, Robin. I am speaking my thoughts, as superheroes do.”

 

“In comics, maybe.”

 

“Isn’t this a comic?”

 

“No, it’s a short story.”

 

“We’re wasting time. Remember your place, Robin. And let me do what I do best.” - Batman headed back towards the Joker.

 

“But...! Holy fourth wall... Coming!”

 

...

 

“Where were we?,” said the Joker.

 

“You were expressing your malevolently undertoned pleasure at our reunion,” said Batman.

 

“Oh yes... we meet again, Batman!”

 

“That we do, Joker. Only this time I will put a stop to your dastardly doings.”

 

“No, Batman. This time you die!”

 

“(You said that last time...),” said Robin.

 

“What?,” said Batman and the Joker, simultaneously.

 

“Nothing...,” said Robin.

 

“Erm... no one is going to die today, Joker,” said Batman; “but you will be put away for a very long time!”

 

“The only thing that is going to be ‘put away’,” said the Joker, “is my ‘Batman’ file... in the shredder!!”

 

“(That’s a bit lame...),” said Robin.

 

“What...?,” said Batman and the Joker, simultaneously.

 

“Nothing...,” said Robin.

 

“Look, will you stop interrupting us?,” said the Joker.

 

“I did tell him to remember his place,” said Batman.

 

“I don’t know why you have him, to be honest.”

 

“I was friends with his mum.”

 

“‘Friends’?”

 

“Well, you know...”

 

There was a resounding clang, as the Joker dropped to the floor, having just been clocked on the bonce by the large frying pan Robin had been hiding behind his back.

 

“There you go,” said Robin.

 

“Hmm,” said Batman.

 

Robin got out his mobile phone and called Commissioner Gordon.

 

...

 

Back at Costa...

 

“Two caramel lattes, please.”

 

“Certainly, Batman. How would you like them?”

 

“In cups.”

 

“Coming right up.”

 

“I’m not going to apologise,” said Robin, as he sipped on his hot, sweet beverage.

 

“Why would I want you to apologise?,” said Batman. “You singlehandedly defeated Gotham’s most notorious criminal.”

 

“With a frying pan.”

 

“With a frying pan.”

 

“Only you haven’t spoken to me all the way over here.”

 

“I’m just tired.”

 

“Hence the coffee stop.”

 

“Hence the coffee stop.”

 

“Maybe we should get an early night then.”

 

“You can. I’ve got some things to do in the Batcave.”

 

“What things?”

 

“Important things.”

 

“We normally do things in the Batcave together.”

 

“Maybe we do too many things together.”

 

“Okay, Batman, if that’s how you feel.”

 

“It is,” said Batman, as he got up and went to pay for the coffees.

 

They left the coffee shop, caught the next bus back to the mansion, got changed out of their costumes, watched a bit of TV together, then Bruce Wayne went off to do some stuff in the Batcave, whilst Dick Grayson played some Candy Crush.

 

When he had failed to beat level 885 for the twelfth time, Dick said, “This is ridiculous,” then went off to the Batcave.

 

“Hi Dick.”

 

“Hi Bruce.”

 

Bruce had been looking at old photos of their favourite crime-fighting exploits on his laptop.

 

“We’ve good together, aren’t we?,” said Dick Grayson.

 

“That we are,” said Bruce Wayne.

 

“Shall we go and fight some more crime together?”

 

“Let’s have some hot chocolate and get a good night’s sleep first.”

 

“Rightey-ho.”

 

And so they did.