FG2 - part 2

READ PART 1 FIRST! ( https://www.abctales.com/story/pepsoid/fg2-part-1 )

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13. In which Flash and Zarkov get huffy with one another in a swamp.

 

The swamp in which Flash and Zarkov were caged was wet. And slimy. And it smelled bad. Somewhat like the one Flash had temporarily found himself in that time on Arboria. Only it wasn’t quite the same as the one on Arboria. It seemed somehow... artificial. Not that it mattered. A swamp is a swamp.

 

“I hate swamps,” said Zarkov.

 

“Thank you, Captain Obvious,” said Flash.

 

“That was my nickname at school.”

 

“Figures.”

 

“In fact, in between making monumental but unaccepted scientific discoveries, I wrote a series of comic strips about The Adventures of Captain Obvious.”

 

“You made monumental but unaccepted scientific discoveries while at school?”

 

“I am a genius.”

 

“So you say.”

 

“I am!”

 

“The genius who decided the best way to attempt to save the Earth was to fling yourself into a void in a rocket without weapons or brakes?”

 

“And what, Mr football star, was your contribution to said enterprise?”

 

“You’re seriously asking me that? Me, Flash Gordon?”

 

“Just because you’ve got a fancy name, it doesn’t make you a hero.”

 

“Actually, it does.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Whatever.”

 

“Are you copying me?”

 

“Are you copying me?”

 

“Oh shut up.”

 

“Oh shut up.”

 

A lizard man jumped onto the cage, then threw in something vaguely food-like.

 

“I would rather consume my own vomit,” said Zarkov.

 

“I would rather consume my own vomit,” said Flash.

 

Zarkov crossed his arms and turned away from Flash in a huff.

 

Flash did the same.

 

 

 

14. In which Dale continues to be shoved by lizard men.

 

“Stop shoving me!,” said Dale.

 

But the lizard men did not.

 

 

 

15. In which Ming heads back to the surface.

 

Ming pressed a section of the cavern wall and a door opened. He didn’t know why he hadn’t thought of that before, but as has been mentioned, despite his hitherto immense power, he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the box. He stepped through the door, then started walking up a spiralling tunnel to the surface, five miles above.

 

 

 

16. In which Mongo has a new emperor.

 

The lizard man standing before them had, it seemed, made a pathetic attempt to look like Ming. He had painted what vaguely resembled a black widow’s peak on his lizardy head, and he had stuck a couple of bits of fluff above his eyes to make pointy eyebrows. The ring of Ming was on one of his fingers, but he wasn’t using it to make anyone do anything at the moment.

 

“Neep zurk Flotty-flotty Krark, zappating wolla-wolla Happee xat Mongo!,” said the Mingish lizard man.

 

“Um... we no speaky lizard man,” said Flash.

 

A lady lizard man (that is, lizard lady) shoved the Mingish lizard man out of the way and spoke to the prisoners in English:

 

“He said, ‘Bow before Emperor Krark, your new all-powerful Ruler of Mongo’.”

 

“Great, another lunatic galactic tyrant,” said Zarkov.

 

“And if we don’t?,” said Flash.

 

“Een urffle pully-pot shempak?,” said the lizard lady to the Mingish lizard man.

 

“Arsle flawp spangy-nop nurple turge!,” declared the Mingish lizard man, whilst pointing his ring adorned finger at the prisoners.

 

“Ahem,” said the lizard lady, “‘then you shall suffer’” - she yawned - “sorry, it’s been a long day.”

 

“Don’t worry, take your time,” said Flash.

 

“My demented ex-husband says if you don’t bow before him, then you shall suffer his awesome wrath.”

 

“Ex-husband?”

 

“Long story.”

 

“Really?”

 

“No, I just can’t be bothered telling it.”

 

“Fair enough.”

 

“So what do you think we should do?”

 

“I’d just bow if I were you.”

 

“Okay.”

 

Flash Gordon and Dr Hans Zarkov bowed before Emperor Krark, the new all-powerful Ruler of Mongo.

 

 

 

17. In which Vultan and Barin have a disagreement.

 

“My hawk sense tells me Flash Gordon is in trouble.”

 

“‘Hawk sense’?”

 

“It’s a thing.”

 

“Since when?”

 

“Since the Dawn of the Age of the Hawk Men.”

 

“That’s not a thing.”

 

“Is so!”

 

“Whatever, Vultan.”

 

“You never believe me, Barin. It’s not fair.”

 

“I’ll tell you what’s not fair. Having your once peaceful kingdom overrun with winged freaks.”

 

“Not my fault the Sky City was destroyed.”

 

“No, we both know who’s fault that was.”

 

“Speaking of which... hawk sense... in trouble.”

 

“Not a thing.”

 

“Oh bugger off, Barin.”

 

 

 

18. In which Dale tries not to throw up, then has a reunion with her ex-fiancé.

 

The lizard men led Dale along dark and twisty passageways. She had thought they were leading her to Flash and Zarkov, but now she was starting to wonder if they were just bored.

 

“I know how that feels.”

 

The lizard men chittered and looked at her.

 

“I’m sorry, did I just say that out loud?”

 

She was tired and hungover and starting to get a serious case of the munchies.

 

“What was in that Mongonian liquor?”

 

The lizard men looked at her.

 

“Again, sorry.”

 

After a few more minutes of trying not to throw up, whilst simultaneously feeling ravenous, she said:

 

“Hey guys, you got any food?”

 

The lizard men looked at Dale, looked at each other and looked confused.

 

“Fooooood,” said Dale, whilst pointing to her mouth.

 

The lizard men did gesturing and facial expressions which amounted to a lizardy approximation of, We don’t know what you’re talking about.

 

“Never mind.”

 

Dale rummaged in the folds of her dress (the same one she had worn when she was about to get hitched to Ming - say what you like about the evil old dude, the man had taste!). She found therein what she presumed was some kind of Mongonian boiled sweet. Or perhaps it had belonged to Zarkov. Either way, she shrugged and popped it in her gob.

 

The ‘sweet’ tasted of swamp.

 

It and whatever she had last eaten found a new home in a corner of the passageway.

 

“Great, now I’m even hungrier,” she said.

 

“And so am I, Dale Arden...”

 

“What?! Who?! Show yourself!” - bleurgh!

 

“Although you Earthlings are pathetic, I have always found you to be most intriguing...”

 

“Oh Christ, it’s you.”

 

“I am not the one you call ‘Christ’...”

 

“No, I mean-... Oh forget it. What do you want, Ming?”

 

“The same thing I have always wanted.”

 

“I’ve got one stonker of a headache; please remind me.”

 

“To make you my wife and for us to rule the Universe together.”

 

“Oh, that.”

 

“Yes, that.”

 

“I never wanted to marry you in the first place. What makes you think I would want to now?”

 

“I have changed.”

 

“How?”

 

“I have been humbled by my time in the secret cavern.”

 

“Remind me, how long have you been away?”

 

“Three days.”

 

“So you are a completely different man, because you spent three days on your own... doing what, exactly?”

 

“Watching TV, mainly.”

 

“So watching TV has made you a different man...”

 

“Well, if you put it like that...”

 

“Sorry, I’m not convinced.”

 

“Not just any old TV, Dale! I have been watching your Earth shows. About floppy haired imbec-... erm, superheroes... saving the world and whatnot.”

 

“And how has this changed you, exactly?”

 

“It has made me reassess my lifestyle.”

 

“I see...”

 

While Dale and Ming had been chatting, the lizard men had scattered. She suddenly realised she was now all along in a dark and twisty passageway, God knows how far away from the imperial palace, talking to a man she couldn’t see... unless the Mongonian liquor was even more powerful stuff than she had imagined and it was all in her head.

 

 “Let’s have a look at you then,” said Dale, to what was hopefully not just a voice in her head.

 

Ming stepped out of the shadows. The problem was, it was all pretty much shadows in these passageways, lit only by a few glowing rocks in the ceilings and walls. The man-sized shape that appeared before her could still have been a product of her shlozzled mind.

 

“Come closer,” she said.

 

Ming did so.

 

“Ooh, on the other hand, stay where you were, you’re a bit whiffy.”

 

“I haven’t been able to wash in three days.”

 

“You don’t look any different.”

 

“Or change my clothes.”

 

“Well so far you’re not too attractive a prospect, it has to be said.”

 

“(Speak for yourself.)”

 

“Pardon?”

 

“Nothing.”

 

“So...” started Dale; “it seems like we’re both in a bit of a pickle.”

 

“‘Pickle’?”

 

“Never mind. So Ming... the, um, Merciless?”

 

“Not ‘Merciless’.”

 

“Oh?”

 

“It hardly seems fitting anymore, does it?”

 

“Fair point. So... Ming the-”

 

“Just Ming.”

 

“Just Ming... I think we need to make a deal.”

 

“Okay...”

 

“You get me out of here... and I consider your proposal.”

 

“Really? You agree to marry me?”

 

“I said I’ll consider it.”

 

“But why? I thought you and Flash...”

 

“I think he’s gone off me.”

 

“Would that be on account of the heavy drinking and wearing your wedding dress for three days in a row?”

 

“How do you-? Never mind... Do we have a deal?”

 

“We have a deal.” - Ming put out his hand.

 

“I don’t want to touch you until you’ve had a wash.”

 

“Fair does.”

 

 

 

19. In which a final battle takes place and Dale gets a new pet.

 

The cage wherein Flash and Zarkov now found themselves was slightly submerged in the underground swamp (did I mention it was underground? Well it was). It was therefore tricky to get comfy, on account of the dampness. In order to attempt to catch some Z’s, the prisoners half crouched and half leant on the bars.

 

Flash dreamt of home: winning the Super Bowl, eating burgers and other things American.

 

Zarkov dreamt of equations and piñatas. Don’t ask.

 

They were awoken by a kerfuffle.

 

Lizard people were running around randomly and making an awful racket, Dale was wrestling with the lizard lady/translator and the Mingish lizard man was being pinned to the ground by...

 

“Ming!,” said Flash and Zarkov in unison.

 

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out,” said Ming, as he attempted to stop the Mingish lizard man from lifting the arm with the hand with the finger with the ring on it.

 

“And stay down!,” said Dale to the lizard lady, who had just fallen unconscious to the ground, having been clocked on the bonce with Dale’s high heel.

 

“Dale!,” called Flash. “Ming!”

 

“I know, it’s alright,” said Dale. “He’s with us now.”

 

“But... how?,” said Flash.

 

“We made a deal.”

 

“What kind of deal?”

 

“I’ll tell you later.”

 

They all then became aware of a wet crunch and a reptilian scream. Ming, whilst keeping the Mingish lizard man pinned down with his knee, lifted his head. He had green blood around his mouth. A gory green finger, detached from its owner and adorned with the magic ring, was now now several feet away (“Ew,” said all the Earthlings). Ming stood and moved towards the gory green finger.

 

“Dale, the ring!,” said Flash.

 

“I know, Flash,” said Dale, who then shoved Ming out of the way, picked up the gory green finger, yanked off the ring and put it on her own finger.

 

“No-o-o-o-!!,” started Ming, intending on a much longer “No-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o-o!!!,” but being cut short by Dale pointing the ring at him and saying:

 

“Sit.”

 

Ming sat.

 

“Stay.”

 

Ming stayed.

 

“Roll over.”

 

Ming rolled over.

 

“This is going to be fun,” said Dale.

 

 

 

20. In which our heroes return ‘home.’

 

Eventually Dale decided to rescue Flash and Zarkov.

 

“Lead us back to the imperial palace,” she commanded Ming.

 

Ming did not do so.

 

“Why are you not obeying my command?”

 

“I don’t know the way,”

 

“Really?”

 

Ming shrugged.

 

Dale shook her head, then noticed the Mingish lizard man groaning and whimpering in the corner.

 

“What’s your name?,” she said to the Mingish lizard man.

 

The lizard lady, who had just returned to consciousness and was also groaning (but not whimpering) and rubbing her head, translated for the Mingish lizard man.

 

“Krark,” said Krark.

 

“Okay, Krark,” said Dale (as Fleep (for ‘twas she) translated). “Now listen... I know you’re in pain, and I know in a sense none of this is your fault” - Krark sniffled - “but I need your help.”

 

Krark looked up at Dale, like some downtrodden puppy.

 

“Now I could use the ring and command you,” continued Dale; “but I think it would be of all our best interests if you act of your own free will... Agreed?”

 

Dale waited for Fleep to translate, then Krark eagerly nodded and even stuck his long green tongue out and did a bit of a puppyish pant.

 

“Don’t do that,” said Dale.

 

“Fnurkee bop spinyap,” said Fleep to Krark.

 

Krark put his tongue away.

 

“Good,” said Dale. “Now take us home.”

 

“Home?,” said Flash. “I thought you were a New York City girl.”

 

“Earth is overrated,” said Dale. She then pointed the ring at Ming and said, “Heel!”

 

Ming heeled.

 

And off they went.

 

 

 

EPILOGUE

 

When they returned to the imperial palace, they were met by a welcoming committee of hawk men, Vultan and Barin.

 

“Flash Gordon!,” said Vultan, in that way that he does. “My hawk sense told me you were in trouble!”

 

“Hawk sense?,” said Flash.

 

“It’s a thing.”

 

“Okay… Well you’re late.”

 

“I’m what?”

 

“You’re late. I was in trouble, but now I’m not. But I appreciate the thought.”

 

“Oh… we’ll be off then.”

 

“See you later, Vultan.”

 

“See you later, Flash.”

 

[ THE END (…?) ]