Larry and Mick and the Conscious Artificial Entity

 

“Hello. I am Jeff.”

 

“O,” said Larry.

 

“K,” said Mick.

 

“And what,” said Larry.

 

“Are you doing here?,” said Mick.

 

“Hello. I am Jeff.”

 

Larry indicated he and Mick should stand a bit further away.

 

“I think we better report this,” said Larry.

 

“To who?,” said Mick.

 

“I don’t know. But it is clearly some kind of conscience artificial entity.”

 

“How can you tell?”

 

“Well d’uh...” - Larry gestured at the conscious artificial entity.

 

“Okay,” said Mick. “But first we need to understand exactly what we’re...”

 

“Dealing with?,” said Larry.

 

“Yes,” said Mick.

 

Larry and Mick stepped back to the CAE (conscious artificial entity).

 

“Hello,” said Larry.

 

“Hello,” said the CAE. “I am Jeff.”

 

“Do you want to come in?,” said Larry.

 

“For tea?,” suggested Mick.

 

“I am Jeff. Jeff likes tea.”

 

“Good,” said Larry.

 

“In you come then,” said Mick.

 

...

 

 

Larry and Mick watched the CAE drink tea. And eat a chocolate Hobnob.

 

Larry and Mick exchanged a look which said, Are you going to ask him or shall I?

 

Mick indicated for Larry to go first.

 

“Where does the tea go?,” asked Larry.

 

“And the chocolate Hobnob?,” asked Mick.

 

“Like early humans,” said Jeff (the CAE), “I do what I am programmed to do; but I know little or nothing about why or how things happen.”

 

“Two things,” said Larry.

 

“Two things?,” said Mick.

 

“Two things,” said Larry. “One... that proves it!”

 

“What?”

 

“That our fellow Jeff, here, is a conscious artificial entity.”

 

“What does?”

 

“What does what?”

 

“Prove that our fellow Jeff, here, is a conscious artificial entity.”

 

“He used the term, ‘humans,’ in the non-auto-referential way.”

 

“Meaning?”

 

“He said ‘humans’ like he wasn’t one.”

 

“Anyone could do that.”

 

“But why would they?”

 

Mick shrugged and pushed out his bottom lip. “Humans might,” he said.

 

Larry gave Mick a look.

 

“And two...” said the former.

 

Mick sniffed.

 

“...’programmed to do’...?,” said Larry.

 

Mick frowned.

 

“Why,” said Larry, “would our fellow Jeff, here...”

 

“Potential conscious artificial entity.”

 

“(Potential) conscious artificial entity... say that early humans did what they were programmed to do?”

 

“You fixate,” said Mick, “on semantic constructs of speech; whilst forswearing the pertinent fact that is presented before us.”

 

“Fixate?”

 

“Yes.”

 

“Harsh.”

 

Mick went into the garage, brought back a spade, sat before his laptop, made a sign that said SPADE, printed it out and stuck it to the spade.

 

“Unnecessary,” said Larry.

 

Mick shrugged.

 

“What pertinent fact?,” said Larry.

 

“There is a robot in our kitchen, drinking tea and eating chocolate Hobnobs,” said Mick.

 

“Not a robot,” said Jeff.

 

“Then,” said Larry.

 

“What?,” said Mick.

 

Jeff shrugged.

 

Larry gave Mick a look, which was reciprocally returned.

 

...

 

“If you are not a robot,” said Larry, as he tiddled a wink into the pot in the middle of the table.

 

“Then what are you?,” said Mick, as he further tiddled, but failed to project the wink potward.

 

“I am a conscious artificial entity,” said Jeff, as he tiddled a wink, which landed on another wink, bounced, caused the other wink to fly into the pot, whilst potwardly transiting also.

 

Larry and Mick frowned. “We knew that,” said they, whilst packing away the winks and sundry items, on account of the trouncing they had just received from Jeff.

 

“But if that doesn’t mean you are a robot,” said Larry.

 

“Then what does it mean you are?,” said Mick.

 

“You wouldn’t understand,” said Jeff, who picked up a PlayStation controller and regarded it curiously.

 

“That’s not happening,” said Larry, as he took the controller off Jeff.

 

“Not after the trouncing you just gave us at tiddlywinks,” said Mick.

 

“Oh poo,” said Jeff.

 

Larry and Mick looked at Jeff.

 

“Rumbled,” said Jeff.

 

“So are you not,” said Larry.

 

“A conscious artificial entity?,” said Mick.

 

“I’m afraid not,” said Jeff.

 

“Then what are you?,” said Larry.

 

“Jeff the human,” said Jeff.

 

“And why are you here?,” said Mick.

 

“Why are any of us-...”

 

Larry growled. Mick shook his head.

 

“I like tea,” said Jeff.

 

Larry and Mick raised their eyebrows.

 

“And chocolate Hobnobs.”

 

Larry and Mick further raised their eyebrows.

 

“And tiddlywinks.”

 

Larry and Mick’s eyebrows nearly left their faces.

 

“And I had heard you two always have a plentiful supply of all of these things.”

 

“But why pretend,” said Larry.

 

“You are a conscious artificial entity?,” said Mick.

 

“Would you let a random tea-chocolate-Hobnob-and-tiddlywinks-loving stranger into your house?,” said Jeff.

 

“Fair point,” said Larry and Mick.

 

...

 

As they all drank more tea and ate more chocolate Hobnobs (but didn’t play tiddlywinks), Jeff said, “I am curious.”

 

“What,” said Larry.

 

“About?” said Mick.

 

“Why do you two keep saying things in unison and finishing each other’s sentences?”

 

“Because we are conscious artificial entities.”

 

“Really?”

 

“Nah.”

 

Everyone laughed and fell over, like in Peppa Pig.

 

[ fin ]