Larry and Mick and the Quantum Hoover of HEPA

 

...

Inspired by an episode of 'Wizards of Waverly Place' and a conversation with the artist Dan Ashton-Booth about the prospect of a DIY 'Star Wars' parody.

...

It came on an unspecified day in an unspecified week in an... well you get the picture. It was preceded by a buzzy-hummy sound, which increased in volume, and occasionally in pitch as if it had got caught on a bit of carpet thread or something.

Larry and Mick were nonplussed and not a little miffed, not least of all because it disturbed their game of Wii Tennis.

"Deuce," said Larry.

"Never mind that," said Mick. "There's an enormous flying hoover outside."

"Advantage Lampshade," said Larry. "And stop trying to put me off."

"Deuce," said Mick. "If I was trying to put you off, I would've gone for something more feasible."

"Advantage Lampshade," said Larry. "Well whatever your plan, it's not working... Game, set and match Lampshade!"

"Never mind that," said Mick. "The hoover is now in our street!"

Larry peaked through the curtains.

"Technically," said he, "the appliance from which we have recieved a visitation is a vacuum cleaner. Unless of course you mean 'Hoover' with a capital 'H,' in which case you are referring to the specific brand of said device."

"Are you Roger Irrelevant*?" asked Mick.

"No," said Larry. "I am Larry Lampshade."

"Then act like it," said Mick.

Larry looked at Mick, who looked at Larry.

"Gaagh!" said Larry and Mick. "There's an enormous domestic cleaning appliance outside!"

"And it's coming straight for us!" said Darren the dwarf.

"Wait a minute," said Mick.

A bright light appeared in the centre of the room. It materialised into the form of a man in a dark cloak and hood, over which was a brown apron festooned with paint stains and sawdust.

"That's odd," said Larry.

The hooded figure raised a hand. And with it his face, though mostly obscured by shadow, was brought into plainer sight. He opened his mouth as if to speak, his hand came down in a puzzling gesture, and then...

"Aaatchoo!"

"Oh," said Mick.

"I didn't expect that," said Larry.

"Tissue?" said the hooded figure.

Mick extracted a handypack of Kleenex, proffered one, and the hooded figure moved it around the general vicinity of his shadow-obscured conk with much spluttering and spurting and spraying of mucal matter thereabouts.

"Hello," said Larry.

"Ahem," said the hooded figure; "... greetings."

"And you are?" said Mick.

"Two-Be-One," said the hooded figure.

"Two-Be-One?" said Larry.

"Two-Be-One Kenobi," said the hooded figure.

"Ah," said Mick.

"Well that's all very nice," said Larry, "but..." - and he indicated the large 'Hoover' which was now floating just outside their window.

"That, Master Lampshade," said Two-Be-One, "is why I am here."

"Okay," said Mick, "but what about the dwarf?"

Two-Be-One made a gesture as if he was wiping a cobweb from his face. "The dwarf is a figment of your imagination."

"What dwarf?" said Larry and Mick in unison.

Two-Be-One Kenobi smiled.

...

They were outside.

"Zzzyyeeoww," said Two-Be-One, as he extracted a tenon saw from his toolbelt.

Larry and Mick frowned.

Two-Be-One waved the tenon saw around, making further zyeeow-y sounds, while Larry and Mick backed away, making conspiratorial whisperings.

"I don't think this is going to work," said Larry.

"What do you think we should do?" said Mick.

"Try these," said Darren the dwarf, handing Larry and Mick lightsabers.

"Great Galloping Gourmet Griffins of Gormenghast!" said Larry to the dwarf. "Where did you come from?"

"I've been here all the time," said Darren. "Now take up your shinysticks and do battle!"

"'Shinysticks'?" said Mick.

"Oh for sith's sake..." said Darren. "Yaaaarrk!"

- upon which he took up both shinysticks, of green and red hues, and layed about the giant vac with gumption and gusto.

Larry and Mick took another step back and considered the scene before them.

"Two-Be-One Kenobi!" said Larry, as a lightbulb literally materialised in the air above him. "I geddit now."

...

Further consideration commenced.

"This day is not turning out how I expected," said Larry.

"Yes," said Mick. "That is the first time you have beaten me at Wii Tennis."

Larry looked at Mick.

"Oh and the hoover and whatnot," said Mick.

"Vacuum cleaner," said Larry.

"Vacuum cleaner," said Mick.

Two-Be-One hacked ineffectually at the big sucker with the tenon saw, whilst Darren bished, bashed and boshed with the 'shinysticks.'

"We do, however, appear to have become supporting actors in the movie of our lives," said Larry.

"Isn't that often the case?" said Mick.

"True," said Larry.

And so Mick suggested, "Shall we let these chaps get on with it and go and play tiddlywinks?"

"Why the heck not?" said Larry.

And so they did.

[ fin ]

...

* And who, you may ask, is Roger Irrelevant? Well you may not, but if you do, here is an Internet link which may go some way towards explaining such...

http://viz.co.uk/category/roger-irrelevant/