Larry and Mick Experiment With Transexualism

'Phase One,' said Mick, reading from a pamphlet he had picked up from the Post Office; 'realise you are a woman in a man's body.'
'Okay,' said Larry, 'erm,' he continued, 'how do I do that then?'
'Doesn't say,' said Mick. 'I imagine it's a state-of-mind kind of jobbie.'
'Like realising you were born to be a gerbil?'
'Yes, that kind of thing.'
'Okay, here goes...' Larry pressed both thumbs to his forehead, wiggled his little fingers, stuck out his tongue and rotated his eyeballs.
'What are you doing?' said Mick.
'Attempting to realise my true destiny as a woman.'
'Is it working?'
'No, not really.'
'Let's move on,' said Mick, returning to the pamphlet. 'Phase Two... try on some women's clothes.'
'Don't have any,' said Larry.
'Then grab your handbag, Lucy, we're going shopping!'
And off they went.

'Shrug?' said Larry.
Mick shrugged.
'I am referring to a type of ladies' garment that appears to be a cardigan that has been shrunk in the wash,' said Larry.
'Mark One?' suggested Mick.
'Bound to have some,' said Larry.
They went to Mark One.

'Shrug?' said Larry to the Mark One Sales Assistant.
The Mark One Sales Assistant shrugged.
'I am referring to-'
'Dunno if we got any,' said the surly shop girl.
'This is a ladies' clothing boutique, is it not?'
The Mark One Sales Assistant shrugged.
'Let's try New Look,' suggested Mick.
They went to New Look.

'Shrug?' said Larry to the New Look Sales Assistant.
'Shrug?' said the New Look Sales Assistant to Larry.
'Shrug,' said Mick, as he mimed the putting on of a shrug.
'Shrug!' said the New Look Sales Assistant, her eyes alight with delight at realising what Mick was up to, and pointed to a particular area of the shop.
'Thank you, you have been most helpful,' said Larry, as they ventured to the indicated area.

Larry & Mick ended up buying a shrug from Primark. Because Mick had remembered that this week's Bella had said that Primark was the place to buy shrugs. Primark shrugs were 'hot' (as opposed to 'not'). Also, they were cheap. The changing rooms, though, were a nightmare. And there were too many women with pushchairs.
After Primark, they shared a 7-portion Woollies breakfast and a pot of tea. Because Primark will do that to a person.
Then they bought a poncho from River Island, a straw hat from Accessorize, a ra-ra skirt from Dorothy Perkins ('because the eighties are making a come-back,' said Mick; 'according to what?' said Larry; 'last week's Gracia,' said Mick; 'fair enough,' said Larry), a pack of green patterned fishnet tights from Marks & Spencers, a pair of strappy denim shoes with a 3-inch wedge from Top Shop and a 'daring' leatherette bra'n'pant set from Ann Summers. Oh, and a few bits of old tat from a very persuasive cockney fellow at the market.
'I do hope this all fits,' said Larry. 'The Primark Experience has put me off changing rooms for life.'
'I rather like Carol Smilie,' said Mick.
'No, I mean- Oh never mind...'
'Well I just think you're so-o-o lucky, Lucy,' said Mick. 'You've got one of those figures you can hang anything off.'
'I'd rather have your curves.'
'I'd so-o-o rather have your legs, Lucy.'
'Could you please stop calling me Lucy?'
'Okay.'
'I prefer Lorraine.'
'Lorraine it is.'
And Lorraine it was.

'Gorgeous, Lorraine! Simply divine! But how do you feel?' 'Like a bag o'muck tied in t'middle.'
'Shall we give up on this transexualism lark, then?'
'What would Phase Three have been?'
'Chop off your willy.'
'Probably best.'
Larry & Mick brought their transexualism experiment to a swift conclusion.

EPILOGUE:

'What shall we do with all these clothes then?' said Larry.
'Charity shop?' said Mick.
'That would just seem so-o-o wasteful,' said Larry. 'I'll keep them for my summer wardrobe.'
'Okay,' said Mick.
And so they did.

[ FIN ]