Larry and Mick Find Themselves in a Town Overrun by Hordes of Slavering Zombies

'Where's Milla Jovovich when you need her?' said Larry.
'Pardon?' said Mick.
'Never mind,' said Larry. 'Pass me that shotgun.'
Mick did so, and Larry subtly nudged a nearby zombie over that fine line between with-a-head and without-a-head.
'How did we find ourselves in this situation?' said Mick, as he swept a zombie's legs out from beneath him (or was it 'her'?), using some kind of nifty marshall arts move, then leapt on top of him (or her), grabbed his (or her) head and twisted it until his (or her) neck made a sickening crunch.
'Can I come back to you on that one?' said Larry, as he reloaded his pump-action and dispensed with another undead beastie.
'Why the heck not?' said Mick, as he swiftly swizzled and planted an elbow in a squishy, rotting face.

* * *

2 days earlier...

'Oops,' said Ned (Mick's long lost cousin from the hills).
'What?' said Titania (Queen of the Fairyfolk), as she sat at Ned's kitchen table supping beef tea and working her way through her twelfth B&H of the hour.
'I appear,' said Ned, 'to have accidentally cast a re-animation spell.'
'Of the dead?' said Titania.
'Yes,' said Ned shamefacedly.
'But I only asked you to make me some fried bread!' said Titania.
'I know,' said Ned, 'but I thought I'd add my secret, special ingredient.'
'Which was?' said Titania.
'Half-a-teaspoon-of-Marmite-and-some-chives,' said Ned.
'Innit, though!' said Titania. 'Take the shame, you numpty!'
'Sorry...' said Ned.
'Oh well,' said Titania; 'we'll just have to hole up in this 'ere hut of yours until all the fuss blows over.' She took a drag on her ciggie. 'How's the fried bread coming along?'
'Do you want some tomatoes with it?' said Ned.
To which Titania replied, 'Do you want to unleash a plague of killer ants upon the world?!'

* * *

'Look!' said Mick.
'What?' said Larry.
'Over there on the hill!' said Mick.
'Over where on what hill?' said Larry.
'Over there on that hill!' said Mick. 'It's Milla Jovovich!'
'Don't be stupid,' said Larry.
'Really!' said Mick. 'It's her! Look!'
Larry did so.
And there she was.
Milla Jovovich.
Statuesque model/actress, known for her roles as The Supreme Being in The Fifth Element and Alice in the Resident Evil films.
Standing there on the hill, in her ripped mesh and boots, the full moon illuminating her magnificently from behind.
'By Jingo, you're right!' said Larry. 'But who's that standing beside her?'
'It's the one who played Jill Valentine in Resident Evil:Apocalypse!'
And it was!
Larry and Mick watched, goggle-eyed, as the two ladies made their way down the hill towards them, dispensing with the shambling undead minions with swiftness and ease. It was the most beautiful thing they had ever seen.
Mick came over all unnecessary. 'I think I'm in love,' he mused.
'Button it,' said Larry; 'and show some respect... Greetings, ladies!'
Milla and the-one-who-played-Jill-Valentine-in-Resident-Evil:Apocalypse stopped, checked there were no more zombies to dispose of and looked at Larry and Mick.
'Who the fuck are these jokers?' said Milla.
'Fucked if I know,' said the-one-who-played-Jill-Valentine-in-Resident-Evil:Apocalypse. 'Shall we kill 'em?'
'Woah there!' said Larry. 'It's alright, we haven't been bitten... See?' - he rolled up a trouser-leg, displaying a hairy-but-bite-free calf.
'I think we should kill 'em,' said the-one-who-played-Jill-Valentine-in-Resident-Evil:Apocalypse.
In the meantime, Mick stared. At Milla. A big, stupid grin on his face.
Milla stared back. But not in the same way. 'No,' she said; 'they're too stupid to be zombies.'
'Am I glad you two are here!' said Larry. 'We were starting to have trouble fighting off all the zombies on our own, weren't we, Mick?'... Mick stared at Milla... 'And then my good friend Mick, here, pointed up to the hill on which you were standing and said, "Look! There's Milla Jovovich and the-one-who-played-Jill-Valentine-in--"'
'I'm sorry, who?' said Milla, dragging herself away from Mick's hypnotic (but not in that way) gaze.
'Milla Jovovich and the-one-who-played--'
'My name is Alice!' said Milla. 'And I remember everything!'
'I'm sure you do,' said Larry; 'but I thought--'
'And this,' continued Milla (or Alice), 'is Jill Valentine of the Racoon City Police Department.'
'Racoon City? But...' ('Jill' gave him a don't-mess-with-me-I'm-faster-stronger-and-smarter-than-any-mere-man look) 'Oh I geddit!' he continued; 'method acting!' - he then winked in an unintentionally lascivious manner.
'Are you sure we shouldn't kill 'em?' said 'Jill.' 'I'm just dying to give them a taste of my extremely shiny and surprisingly blood-free boots.'
It was then that something zing'd past them and thwunk'd into a nearby gravestone (they were in a graveyard by the way)... and then exploded.
'Run!' said she-who-shall-henceforth-be-known-as-Alice. 'Into the church!'
'Oh dear,' said Larry. 'Bad things always happen in churches.'
'Move!' said she-who-shall-henceforth-be-known-as-Jill.
And so they did.

* * *

'Nice fried bread.'
'Thanks.'
'Although it does have a bit of a weird yellowy colour.'
'That'll be the turmeric.'
'What?!'

* * *

'Make us some tea, Mick.'
'But I made the last six.'
'Go on, there's a good fellow, I'm just talking to Jill Valentine here about what it's like to work for the Racoon City Police Department.'
'But Racoon City doesn't ex--'
'Mick!'
Mick grumbled and slouched off to the kitchen aka Jesus Chapel. As he sat on a pew waiting for the kettle to boil, Alice entered.
'Hey,' she said.
'Hey, Mil-- Alice.'
'Those two are hitting it off.'
'Yeah. Shame we won't last the night.'
'Look at the bright side, Mick... the zombies may kill you, but you won't stay dead.'
'Great, I've always wanted to be a mindless, shambling lump of rotting flesh.'
'So pessimistic.'
Alice started to leave...
'Wait!' said Mick.
Alice stopped and looked at Mick.
'Could you just... err... help me with the tea?'
'You seem to have it covered.'
'But I've... forgotten what everyone has.'
'Jill - black no sugar. Larry - white with three. Me - just hot water. And whatever you're having.'
'Oh... erm...'
Alice started to leave again...
'Wait!' said Mick.
'What the f--?'
'I'm scared...'
'I'm not surprised. There's hundreds of zombies outside, ready to tear the flesh from your bones. Not to mention whatever fired that rocket launcher.'
'Thanks, that makes me feel so much better.'
'Ahh, don't be such a pussy. Here, have some more ammo...'
'Now I have six bullets instead of five.'
'That's one more bullet further from death. Assuming you manage to kill one of them, rather than just blow its foot off.'
'You have such confidence in m-- Look out!'
Mick picked up the just-boiled kettle and flung it at the zombie that had been about to take a chunk out of Alice's neck. He then executed a perfect roundhouse kick, knocked the zombie to the ground, leapt onto it and pumped five bullets into its head.
'Impressive,' said Alice. 'But I think one bullet would have sufficed.'
'Women!' said Mick. 'Never satisfied!' He then stormed off in a huff.
'But what about the t--? Aw fuck it, I'll make it myself.'
Alice wiped the bits of zombie from the kettle, then re-filled it at the kitchen sink aka font.

* * *

'Not only,' said Titania, 'have you created hordes of slavering zombies... but with the addition of the turmeric, you have put a great big undead cat amongst the pigeons and sent a demonic, rocket launcher-toting behemoth into the fray.'
'Oops,' said Ned.

* * *

'Jill?' said Alice.
'Yes, friend Alice?' said Jill.
'Enough with the "friend, Jill!"' said Alice. 'Fuck, you're beginning to sound like them!'
'Sorry,' said Jill. 'What is it, Alice?'
'That thing with the rocket launcher. I think it's another Nemesis.'
'Another Nemesis?'
'Another Nemesis' (Larry and Mick snickered) 'Like the one we encountered in Resident Evil: Apocalypse.'
'But how can it be? That Nemesis died.'
'Well obviously the fucking Umbrella Corporation have gone and built themselves another one!'
'Damn the Umbrella Corporation!'
'Damn them to hell!'
'And everyone who works for them!'
'Didn't you once work for them?'
'Well anyway... they've built themselves another Nemesis... only this time it's not my ex-boyfriend.'
'What the fuck is it, then?'
'How the fuck should I know?!'
'Well it's you who reckons they've--'
'Excuse me,' said Mick, as he sidled sheepishly up with a tray of drinks.
'What?!' said Alice and Jill, who were working themselves up to full-blow chicks-who-kick-zombie-ass mode.
'Oh nothing, here's you tea...'
'What is it, y'goddamn scrawny-assed motherf--' Their action-babe tirade was interrupted by an almighty crash at the front of the church.
'There appears to be someone at the door,' said Mick, as he nibbled on a Malted Milk.

* * *

'What we gonna do then?' said Ned.
'Pdmff?' said Titania.
'Never mind, finish your fried bread,' said Ned.

* * *

'Hide behind that pew!' said Alice. 'And when he comes in, pray to God he doesn't see you.'
'But--' said Larry.
'Just do it!' said Jill. 'This is a job for ass-kickin' sci-fi superbabes!'
Larry and Mick hid behind the pew.
'Isn't she wonderful?' they said in unison.
They exchanged a meaningful glance, then returned their starry-eyed gazes to the ass-kickin' sci-fi superbabe of their choice.
Jill did that trademark wiggle, which she had done ever since her appearance in the first Resident Evil PlayStation game. This caused Larry to emit an involuntary sigh.
Alice just stood there, which sent Mick all aquiver.
'And stop looking at my ass!' said Alice and Jill in unison.
Larry and Mick, being folk of the male persuasion, continued to engage visually with the rear portions of the two young ladies at the front of the church. As they did so, there was another almighty crash. And a third. And with a fourth, there was the splintering of wood. And with a fifth, a hole was punched through one of the doors.
'You ready?' said Alice to Jill.
'Not really,' said Jill to Alice.
'You better be,' said Alice, as she cocked her weapons and got herself into a fighting stance; 'because here they come!'
As she said the latter, the doors virtually exploded inwards and a demonic, rocket launcher-toting behemoth stepped through the wreckage, followed by an entourage of a dozen or more of the scariest, most horridest, most bowel-looseningly slaveringest zombies Larry and Mick had ever seen (although probably not Alice and Jill, coz they were used to this kind of thing).
'Larry?' said Mick.
'Yes, friend Mick?' said Larry.
'I fear,' said Mick, 'that due to the particularly fearsome nature of this latest turn of events, I may have relinquished my previously tight control of one or two of my internal organs.'
'One or two?' said Larry.
'Well one in particular,' said Mick.
There was a very short pause. After which, Larry said, 'Mick?'
And Mick said, 'Yes, friend Larry?'
'May I,' said Larry, 'express concurrence at your sentiment?'
'You may,' said Mick.
And then it all, as they say, happened.
To whit:
The demonic, rocket launcher-toting behemoth (aka Nemesis#2) lifted his (or was it 'her'? (no, it was definitely 'his' (but how do you know? (just trust me on this one!)))) rocket launcher and pointed it in the general (because you don't have to be too specific with these things) direction of Alice and Jill.
At which Jill raised her twin pistols and glanced across to check that Alice was doing the same... but... as it happened... she wasn't... because Alice was no longer there.
'What the f--?' said Jill, fearing that it had suddenly all become too much for Alice, who had run off to the bog, where she now sat (with the seat down, of course), sucking her thumb and dreaming of nice, safe, easy-to-handle things, like tea, her mum's flapjacks, I'm a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here and the 'Next' Sale.
(Meanwhile, by an amazing coincidence of synchronous happenstance, Larry turned to Mick and said, 'This is bad,' to which Mick responded, 'Yes,' followed by an addendum of, 'but not as bad as the "Next" Sale,' to which Larry further responded with, 'That is true.')
Jill couldn't have been more wrong.
With a blood-curdling shriek, Alice, who had merely taken a few steps back, sprinted forward, leapt to a supernatural height, flung out her legs and catapulted her big-leather-booted feet directly into the horrific but now surprised-looking visage of Nemesis#2. At the same time, while she was in the air, her shotgun boomed half a dozen times, obliterating the bonces of the same number of zombies.
'Ooh,' went Larry, and, 'Aah,' went Mick, as Nemesis#2 was knocked to the ground, and the now headless zombies were flung, like some kind of macabre multiple-stagedive, into their unsuspecting fellows behind. Not that a zombie ever really 'suspects' anything. But you get the picture.
'That girl,' said Mick, 'is special. And not,' he continued, 'in a "Special Bus" kind of way.'
'Harumph,' said Larry, thinking that perhaps he had chosen to impart his romantic attentions upon the wrong sci-fi superbabe, but then remembered that beauty, as well as being 'skin deep' and 'in the eye of the beholder' and suchlike, is not dependent on being able to kick a demonic, rocket launcher-toting behemoth to the ground while simultaneously blowing away the brains of half a dozen zombies... and all was once again right with the world. Well mostly right. Except...
'Get your scrawny asses over here right now!' said Jill, as she and Alice set to, in a Buffy-like manner, upon the increasingly numerous personages of scabrous aspect.
Larry and Mick did that thing involving much pointing and shrugging, which amounted to an expression of mutual doubt that Jill could possibly be talking to them.
'Yes, you, y'motherf--'
Alice was once again prevented from uttering this particular expletive, due to being in receipt of a smack round the chops from Nemesis#2, who by now had extricated himself from the floor (you can't keep a good demonic, rocket launcher-toting behemoth down, as they say) and had acquired a look in his dark, undead eyes of, 'I'm gonna gitchoo, girly!' or some such.
'No you're not, ya big ugly oaf!' said the look in Alice's steely-blue eyes, as she removed herself from the pillar at which she had been flung, brushed herself down and once again sprinted headlong towards her foe.
Meanwhile, Jill was knocking seven (or possibly slightly more) bells out of the groaning (and, it has to be said, moaning) hordes of you-know-whats.
'We'd better lend a hand,' said Larry.
'But I don't want to,' said Mick.
'We'll only get it in the neck if we don't,' said Larry.
'True,' said Mick.
And so they did.

* * *

'Is that the church?' said Titania, Queen of the Fairies.
'Gmph?' said Ned, around a gobful of fried bread.
'Never mind,' said Titania.

* * *

'I fear,' said Larry, as he poked a zombie in both eyes at once, 'we may be becoming overwhelmed.'
'May I,' said Mick, as he yanked the arm off a zombie and thwacked it around the head with such, 'express concurrence at your sentiment?'
'You,' said Larry, as he extracted his fingers from the zombie's eye sockets and flicked off the eyeballs attached thereupon in disgust, 'may.'
'I'm out!' shouted Alice to Jill, as she decapitated a zombie with the butt of her shotgun, kneecapped another with the heel of her shiny boot and elbowed another in the nasal cavity (yes, all in the time it took to say two words - impressive eh?).
'Me too!' shouted Jill to Alice, as she engaged in further impressive fighting manoeuvres.
'What shall we do?' said Alice.
(Crunch! Splat! KerthuNK!) 'Pray for a miracle?' said Jill.
(Crack! Crick! KerthwaCK!) But a miracle (miracles being miracles (slippery buggers that they are)) was not, as yet, forthcoming.
'Incoming!' shouted Alice...
... upon which, Jill flung herself to the floor, as did Alice, as a rocket, fired as it was from the rocket launcher of the rocket launcher-toting behemoth (of demonic aspect) known as Nemesis#2, who, it appeared, had been biding its time at the front of the church, waiting for the appropriate time to, as they say, strike, came speedily speeding towards them, cutting a swathe through the zombies (like a knife through water or the like), narrowly missing the bonces of Alice and Jill (who, as has been mentioned, had flung themselves to the floor (eliciting, as they went, a sympathetic 'Ow!' and a 'Yowch!' from the onlooking Larry and Mick)), continuing through the church (more zombies/swathe/knife/water/etc) and finally slamming into the pulpit and inducing a big explosion thereupon.
The flinging and scattering of bodies, both undead and un-undead, occurred.
As did the falling and the flying-all-about of masonry and such.
As did a temporary, explosion-induced deafness, on the part of the ears of all who were still able to call themselves 'mortal.'
Which was unfortunate, as Larry was unable to hear the following from Mick:
'Larry... my dear friend Larry... my dear and most loyal and most handsome friend Larry... I know it may seem that I h