Larry and Mick Get Lost in Peppa Pig World

 

"How long has it been?," said Mick.

 

"Too long," said Larry.

 

"But seriously, how long?," said Mick.

 

Larry consulted his wrist. "3 years, 42 days, 5 hours and 12 minutes," said he.

 

"You looked at your wrist," said Mick.

 

A nearby child cried then threw up.

 

"But he's not been on any rides yet!," said the child's mother.

 

"You know how nervous he gets," said the child's father.

 

Larry and Mick exchanged a look, which comprised shrug and eyebrow raise, in the approximate ratio of 4:3.

 

"Map?," said Larry.

 

"Map," said Mick.

 

Mick rummaged in his knapsack for  what seemed like the lifetime of a gastrotrich (3 days), before extracting 4 bottles of water, 2 cheese & pickle sandwiches, a packet of chocolate Hobnobs, 4 bags of crisps (various flavours), a box of mini pork pies, wet wipes, tissues, hand sanitizer, an iPad, 2 iPhones, a vintage Tron handheld game, some colouring pens and a mini "adult" colouring book, a sudoko book, 2 biros, 2 pencils, 2 pencil sharpeners, 2 rubbers, a dog whistle, a pen knife, a tin of travel sweets, a packet of cat treats, some cheese... but no map.

 

"Oh," said Mick.

 

"What we gonna do?," said Larry.

 

"It's only Peppa Pig World," said Mick. "What's the worst that could happen?"

 

...

 

In 2012 a study was conducted at the University of Puddletown, entitled:

 

The Relative 'Badness' of Events Following the Utterance of the Phrase, 'What's the Worst That Could Happen?'

 

It wasn't the most scientifically rigorous of studies, its participants being a first year undergraduate geology student and "some chaps she met down the pub."

 

The geology student had supplied the public house patrons with devices which beeped at random intervals, upon which they had been asked to blurt out, "What's the worst that could happen?," then keep a diary of occurrences thenceforth. The results had been surprising. Examples thus:

 

Public House Patron #1 had been at the Sausage & Catapult with his chums, enjoying a game of darts and a pint or 6 of pale ale, when his device had gone off just as he was aiming for double twenty to secure the match. "Bollocks," said Public House Patron #1, but then dutifully followed this with, "What's the worst that could happen?" This had immediately been followed by the entrance into the pub of the Queen. The actual Queen. Of the United Kingdom. The Sausage & Catapult was the latest stop on the Official Royal Tour of British Pubs (which The Sun newspaper had inevitably dubbed, A Right Royal Pub Crawl!). And so it was at that moment that the Queen, with her royal entourage, made her entrance. "One would like a pint of-..." started Her Maj, but her request was curtailed by a dart to the forehead, flung backwards as it was by Public House Patron #1 due to his surprise at this unexpected royal visitor, resulting in the expediting of the process of ascension to the throne of the United Kingdom.

 

Public House Patron #2 had been at home eating a banana and watching Star Trek on the TV, when his device bleeped and he said, "What's the worse that could happen?" A lightning bolt from a freak storm centred over his house travelled down his TV aerial, causing his TV to explode and a bit of shrapnel to impale the part of his brain responsible for food allergies, resulting in a violent allergic reaction to the banana, which terrified his pet hamster, which chewed its way out of its cage and was eaten by the cat.

 

Public House Patron #3 had been walking along thinking about custard, when her device bleeped, she said the thing, then she fell over and got run over by a milk float.

 

And on it went.

 

...

 

Meanwhile back at Peppa Pig World...

 

"I think we're lost," said Larry.

 

"Yup," said Mick.

 

[ fin ]