Larry and Mick Get Waxed

Larry passed Mick a chicken drumstick, which Mick took, got out his penknife, sliced off a slice, dipped it in the gluepot and stuck it onto the canvas before him. He then stood back and twizzled the small, pointy goatee beard he had been cultivating.
'It's good,' said Larry, over the sound of the welding torch, which he was taking to the large block of cheese; 'but it needs more chicken.'
'Hmm,' said Mick, as he did some more goatee twizzling, then tugged on each earlobe in turn.
'Flange!' said Larry.
'What?' said Mick.
'I have just welded a large bluebottle to my sculpture.'
'Oh dear,' said Mick, who was just about to slice some more chicken off the drumstick, when he stopped, squinted (artistically) and raised it to his face.
'Why dost thou contemplate the chicken drumstick so, friend Mick?' said Larry.
'It reminds me...' said Mick.
'It reminds you of what?' said Larry.
'It reminds me that my legs are getting rather hairy.'
Larry looked at Mick.
Mick looked at the chicken drumstick.
'But,' said Larry, 'you're a man. Your legs are supposed to be hairy.'
'Not if I'm to swim the English Channel next Tuesday.'
'Next Tuesday?' said Larry.
'Well I can't go Monday,' said Mick, 'coz I'm going to my nan's for tea and butterfly buns.'
'But...' said Larry, 'the English Channel?'
'I thought the Pacific would be pushing it. Although maybe next month...'
'But Mick!' said Larry (who had by now totally forgotten about the flame-roasted bluebottle which was now adorning his Cathedral City sculpture); 'you're a lazy-arsed git!'
'That is true, friend Larry,' said Mick; 'but I'm doing it for charity.'
'For charity?'
'Indeed so,' said Mick.
'Which charity?' said Larry.
'Wigwams in Need of Rugs.'
'Wigwams in Need of Rugs?'
'Indeed so,' said Mick. 'They are short of rugs. So I am swimming across the English Channel to get them some.'
'That is very commendable of you, Mick,' said Larry; 'but you have a tendency to get a hernia when you bend down to tie your shoelaces.'
'I've been working out.'
'When?'
'While watching Celebrity Love Island. Haven't you noticed?'
'I've noticed you being more fidgety than usual. But I thought that was due to feeling uncomfortable at the loose morals of the contestants.'
'There is a grain of truth in your assessment of my lack of stillness,' said Mick. 'But overall, your observation falls short of alacrity.'
'Hmm,' said Larry.
Mick stuck some more chicken to his canvas. 'Besides,' said he, 'I'm not swimming all the way.'
'?' said Larry.
'I have discovered,' said Mick, 'that there is an island half-way between Portsmouth and Dieppe, which sells cheap but high quality rugs. It is my intention to acquire some funds by the means of my sponsored balloon-popping event, swim out to said island, make purchase of a quantity of rugs... and donate them to Wigwams in Need of Rugs.'
Mick stuck some more chicken to his canvas.
'Have you considered,' said Larry, 'just getting a boat to your... what's the name of the island?'
'Rug Island,' said Mick.
'...to Rug Island?' said Larry.
Mick looked at Larry.
Larry nodded.
Mick ate the bit of chicken he had impaled onto the corkscrew section of his penknife. 'You are wise indeed,' said Mick to Larry. 'And there I was, about to get my legs waxed, in order to make my form more streamlined for the challenging task ahead.'
'And now you don't have to,' said Larry.
'Yes,' said Mick.
'Although...' said Larry.
'Yes?' said Mick.
'I was just thinking...' said Larry.
'What were you thinking?' said Mick.
'Well...' said Larry.
'...' said Mick.
Larry raised his eyebrows.
Mick raised the chicken drumstick, contemplated it for a second, plunged it into the gluepot, then stuck the whole thing right in the centre of the canvas.
'Let's go and get our legs waxed!' said Larry and Mick in unison.
Larry and Mick got waxed.

EPILOGUE:

'So why,' said Larry, as he admired his new silky smooth pins, 'were you thinking of swimming across the Pacific?'
'I was thinking,' said Mick, as he admired his own velvety lallies, 'of swimming to Hawaii.'
'Why Hawaii?' said Larry, as he stroked his left calf.
'Because,' said Mick, as he ran a hand slowly up his right thigh, 'of the beaches and girls in grass skirts.'
Larry smiled and pulled out two pairs of Speedos from under his string vest.
'Let's go!' said Larry and Mick in unison; followed swiftly by... 'Let's swim to Hawaii!'
And so they did.

[ fin ]