Larry and Mick Start a Boy Band

'A boy band?' said Larry.
'Why the heck not?' said Mick.
'We have no talent.'
'It's not about talent, friend Larry. It's about swagger! And wearing matching suits!'
'We don't have matching suits.'
'Or cardigans.'
'Or cycling shorts?'
'Exactly!'
'I don't know,' said Larry. 'I'm not sure,' he continued. 'I mean, I don't have the spikiest of haircuts.'
'It's not all about spiky haircuts, friend Larry - this is the twenty-first century! It's about sitting on a leather barstool the right way and warbling on about how much you love your mum.'
'My mum?'
'Or your pet hamster.'
'I don't have a--'
'It doesn't matter, friend Larry. It's all about passion and emotion and big hand gestures and--'
'But there's only two of us!'
'We'll recruit.'
'From where?'
'Our local Tiddlywinks Club.'
'But they're all ancient. We're the youngest ones there.'
'A bit of Oil of Olay and no one'll notice.'
'But--'
'Less buts, friend Larry. Be more positive! This is our opportunity for greatness and stardom and lifelong fame!'
'Oh dear,' said Larry.
' "Oh dear what?' said Mick.
'The whole "lifelong fame thing. It troubles me, friend Mick.'
'Why does it trouble you, friend Larry?'
'I don't want to be recognised by every man and his ironing board.'
'Why not?'
'I fear that my past may come back to haunt me.'
'Your past?'
'My past.'
'You mean the spanking and the hair slides and such?'
'Not that part of my past.'
'Your stint in a poodle waxing studio?'
'I told you never to mention that!'
'Sorry.'
'I still have nightmares about that time when I got distracted at a most inopportune moment.'
'We all make mistakes, Larry.'
'I saw parts of a poodle a man was never meant to see... But no, I don't mean that part of my past either.'
'Then what part of your past do you fear will come back to haunt you, friend Larry?'
'I don't want to talk about it.'
'A problem shared is a--'
'You'll laugh.'
'No, Larry.'
'You'll think I'm a bl'm'n' weirdo.'
'No more than usu--'
'You won't want to be my friend anymore.'
'I'll always be your bestest chum, friend Larry.'
'You'll cut off all contact forever and try and erase all memory of me from your mind.'
'Larry...'
'Yes, friend Mick?'
'Stop talking twonk and tell me what you are afraid of.'
'Pelmets.'
'Pelmets?'
'Giraffes.'
'Pelmets and giraffes?'
'Pelmets and giraffes.'
'From your past?'
'Pelmets and giraffes from my past.'
'And this is the thing you are afraid will come back to haunt you if we form a boy band and become stupendously famous?'
'Yes.'
'Best give it a miss then.'

[ FIN ]