Little Miss Call Centre

 

 

"Good morning, how may I help you today?" said Little Miss Call Centre to the random person who walked down the street towards her.

 

"Loony," said the random person, as he walked quickly in the opposite direction.

 

 

 

"Excuse me," said Mr SatNav, "but could you please tell me the way to the post office?"

 

"Just putting you on hold..." said Little Miss Call Centre.

 

"Wha-?" said Mr SatNav, as Little Miss Call Centre turned away and sung a bland pop song.

 

 

 

A little later, Little Miss Call Centre said, "If you would like to go left, say 'left'... If would like to go right, say 'right'... If you would like t-"

 

"Just get out of my fucking way!" said Mr Impatient.

 

"I am sorry, I do not understand your requ-"

 

The next thing Little Miss Call Centre knew, she was unconscious.

 

 

 

She awoke in a hospital room, with a smiling bearded face looking down at her.

 

"Are you Father Christmas?" she said.

 

"Don't be ridiculous," said the man.

 

"Oh," said Little Miss Call Centre.

 

 

 

"But I am here to give you a gift," said the man.

 

"May I enquire as to the precise nature of your-" started Little Miss Call Centre.

 

"Ah-ah!" said the man, as he waggled a finger at Little Miss Call Centre and started rummaging amongst the folds of his cloak.

 

"May I remind you that this is a children's book?" said Little Miss Call Centre.

 

"May I remind you that I am not Mr Perv?" said the man... who then rummaged some more and pulled out...

 

 

 

A book!

 

(phew)

 

It was called...

 

'How to Talk to People Without Being Punched'

 

"What use is-?" she started.

 

(She was getting a bit miffed by now at not being able to finish a sentence)

 

But before she could finish her sentence, the man in the beard disappeared.

 

 

 

She was kept 'under observation' for two days, during which time she got scab-pickingly bored and decided to read the book.

 

What a load of old cobblers - she thought.

 

Little did she know that over the next few days, her comparison of the book to a group of elderly shoemakers would diminish.

 

 

 

The day after Little Miss Call Centre got out of hospital, a random person walked down the street towards her (not the same one as before).

 

"Good morning, how may I-" she started... but then remembered something it had said in 'How to Talk to People Without Being Punched'.

 

"Um," said Little Miss Call Centre; "nnrgh" - she then said to the random person.

 

 

 

"Nnrgh," replied the random person.

 

Little Miss Call Centre smiled and walked on, as the random person barely even acknowledged her presence!

 

 

 

The next day, an old tramp asked her the way to William Hill the Bookmakers.

 

After the briefest of pauses, Little Miss Call Centre said, "Down that way, I think."

 

The old tramp uttered a stream of expletives, but otherwise continued stumbling towards his heinous destiny.

 

This was working brilliantly!

 

 

 

She continued in this manner for several days, until...

 

 

 

Along came Mr Trigger Happy Action Hero!

 

 

 

Mr Trigger Happy Action Hero ran towards her, pushing people aside as he came.

 

"Idiot," said Little Miss Call Centre.

 

 

 

"What did you say?" said Mr Trigger Happy Action Hero.

 

"Nothing," said Little Miss Call Centre.

 

 

 

BLAM!

BLAM!

BLAM!

 

 

 

"Can't win 'em all," said the bearded man, as he looked down on Little Miss Call Centre in the hospital bed.