Pah

 

They sat on a cushion. The cushion was small and round and a pale orange hue. It was perched on top of a mountain, which was surrounded by a plane of endless aspect.

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

They were adopting what one might call a meditative pose. But They were not meditating. Not really. They were waiting.

 

There was a breeze. Barely discernible. And in the breeze were voices. They were listening to the voices.

 

The voices spoke through Them.

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

They then winked out of existence and reappeared in another universe.

 

 

 

 

There was only one of Them to go round all the universes. It was handy, then, that They could adopt quantum properties on a macro scale. They could exist in many places at the same time. But not all places. Even They had Their limitations.

 

The voices spoke.

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

They were the conduit of the voices. They received them, processed them and spat them out.

 

They had no view on this. No stance, no opinion, no philosophical position.

 

They just did what They had done for all time.

 

 

 

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

For this is what They did.

 

The cushion. The mountain. The plane. The breeze. The voices. From universe to universe.

 

Except..

 

There was a different voice.

 

A New Voice.

 

It had always been the same, as long as there were voices to speak. But now...

 

“Pah!,” said the New Voice.

 

And now They awoke.

 

 

 

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

“Pah!,” said the New Voice.

 

“Pah?,” They said.

 

“Pah!!,” said the New Voice.

 

They winked out of existence and reappeared in another universe.

 

 

 

 

“Pah!!!,” said the New Voice.

 

“Pah!!!!!,” They said.

 

“PAH!!!!!!!!!!,” said the New Voice.

 

And for the first time, They did not speak.

 

 

 

 

Awareness happens in stages. Like experience levels of a character in a game. Body. Mind. Consciousness.

 

The soul. Existence. Everything.

 

There is no straight path. You can travel through the first three levels in a second. The others can take an eternity.

 

“Pah!,” said Larry, as his character died again in the video game he was playing.

 

“Wazzup Lazza?,” said Mick.

 

“I was just about to get to level 6, when I was defeated by the Grondlefish!,” said Larry.

 

“Have you tried this?,” said Mick, who took the controller off Larry and pressed a few buttons.

 

“Thanks, Mick,” said Larry. “Oh no, here comes another one.”

 

The second Grondlefish turned Larry’s character into a pile of purple smelly goo.

 

“PAH!!!!!!!!!!,” said Larry.

 

 

 

 

Awareness often does not happen consciously. Which is weird, as you would think people would be aware of their awareness. But there you go.

 

Upon the utterance of the latest “PAH!!!!!!!!!!,” Larry felt like his head had exploded. It hadn’t, though. What had happened was that his consciousness had instantaneously travelled to all points in the universe, in fact all points in all universes, at every time. Everywhere and everywhen. This made Larry feel a bit funny.

 

He found himself on a plane of endless aspect, on top of a mountain, facing a small, round, pale orange cushion. They sat on the cushion, looking at Larry.

 

“Huh?,” said Larry.

 

“No,” They said. “Pah.”

 

“Pah?,” said Larry.

 

“Yes, Pah,” They said.

 

Larry, none the wiser, looked at Them and created a mental description, which he felt would be useful if and when he returned to where he was before. His mental description went something like this...

 

They were small, about the size of a cat, light grey of hue and had four limbs. Said limbs, which were all arm-like and had things at the end of them that were hand-like, projected outwards from a football-sized, vaguely spherical ‘body.’ Limbs and body appeared to have the texture and consistency of one of those toys that stuck to a wall if you threw them at it.

 

Larry didn’t see any walls. Something told him, however, that it probably wouldn’t be a good idea to pick this thing up and throw it at one if there were any. The absence of walls was not the first thing Larry noticed about his current location. This observation did, however, lead to further observations, which led him to conclude that he was nowhere on planet Earth. Observations such as that of the plane of endless aspect. Like all humans, Larry could not normally see forever - but in his current state of heightened awareness, he somehow just knew that this plane did, indeed, go on forever. Also the creature sitting (presumably - although Larry was not sure ‘sitting’ was quite what They were doing) before him. The...

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

Was that the name of the creature? Larry tested his theory...

 

“I am Larry,” said Larry.

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

This didn’t clarify things.

 

Larry pointed at himself. “Larry,” he said.

 

The creature pointed at itself. “Pah,” They said.

 

“Good, we’re getting somewhere,” said Larry.

 

They pointed at Larry and said, “Larry,” then pointed at Themself and said, “Pah.”

 

“Excellent!,” said Larry. “But what are you?”

 

“Pah,” They said.

 

“Oh gyrating jellyfish of Jupiter,” said Larry.

 

 

 

 

Mick was baffled. Baffled and bamboozled. Baffled and bamboozled and discombobulated. At first he didn’t notice that his friend Larry had winked out of existence, intent as he was on ‘dealing with’ the dozen or so Grondlefish that unfairly kept popping up out of nowhere as soon as the previous one was ‘dealt with.’ But upon pressing X and causing Larry’s character to tap the Save Stone, then slumping back onto the sofa in the kind of relief only a gamer can understand, the absence of Larry was notable by the fact that he, well, wasn’t there. This was sixty-seven minutes after Mick had taken over Larry’s game and defeated the first Grondlefish.

 

“Larry?,” said Mick, presuming at first that his friend had not been Whisked Off To Another Dimension, but had rather Gone To Make A Cup Of Tea.

 

“Lazza?,” Mick then said, and upon being met with no response, mumbled, “You could’ve made me one,” and reluctantly stood up from the sofa.

 

Mick walked into the kitchen.

 

No Larry.

 

Mick checked the bedroom.

 

No Larry.

 

Mick stepped into the backyard.

 

No Larry.

 

Mick popped his head into the outdoor privy.

 

No Larry.

 

Mick was starting to get worried.

 

Larry might have gone to the shops, to get some milk or a packet of chocolate-covered Malted Milks, but he never went to the shops on his own.

 

Larry might have popped out to visit his mum, but since she had moved to Canada last month, Mick considered this to be highly unlikely.

 

Larry might have been abducted by aliens.

 

No, not twice in one lifetime.

 

So where was the lanky, lemon-lathering lad?

 

Mick put the kettle on.

 

 

 

 

Larry was a child of the eighties, so the device which appeared in his hands felt at once familiar and yet utterly alien. The overall shape was that of the portable Tron game he wasted many happy hours on in his youth. The screen was like that of an old Texas Instruments scientific calculator. And the keys on the keyboard were rubbery and a bit useless, like a ZX81 computer. The device had no power pack, but Larry had a feeling such things weren’t needed in this world, universe, alternative dimension, or whatever the heck kind of place he was now in.

 

A message appeared on the screen:

 

I AM PAH

 

“I think we’ve established that,” said Larry.

 

PAH IS WHAT I AM AND ALSO WHO I AM

 

“Oh I see,” said Larry. “I think.”

 

I HAVE EXISTED FOR ALL TIME

 

“Like God?”

 

THERE IS NO GOD

ONLY PAH

 

“Well that’s worthy of a tweet when I get home.”

 

TWEET?

 

“Never mind.”

 

YOU ARE LARRY

 

“That’s right.”

 

WHAT IS LARRY?

 

“You just said it. I am Larry.”

 

YOU ARE LARRY. BUT WHAT IS LARRY?

 

“Galloping greengages. I am, um...”

 

WHAT IS GALLOPING?

WHAT IS GREENGAGES?

 

“Forget that. I am... um... my name is Larry. But I am human.”

 

WHAT IS HUMAN?

 

“I’m not sure I can explain.”

 

PAH

 

“What?”

 

IF YOU CAN’T EXPLAIN

THEN PAH

 

“Okay...”

 

EVERYTHING STARTS FROM PAH

 

“You mean Creation and things?”

 

ALL THINGS START WITH PAH

AND ALL THINGS END WITH PAH

 

“That’s good to know.”

 

THERE IS NO GOOD

THERE IS NO EVIL

ONLY PAH

 

“Right,” said Larry. “I have a question.”

 

PAH

 

“So you’ve said. But why am I here?”

 

YOU WERE THE NEW VOICE

 

“Sounds a bit hippy drippy. But what do you mean?”

 

ALL PAH COMES TO PAH

ALL PAH IS EXPRESSED THROUGH PAH

BUT YOU WERE A NEW PAH

 

“This is all very interesting,” said Larry. “But can’t I just go home?”

 

OKAY

 

They waved their four limbs around, said, “Pah,” and Larry was back on his sofa.

 

 

 

 

“Where have you been?,” said Mick, around a mouthful of chocolate-covered Malted Milks. “I’ve been worried sick.”

 

“Looks like it,” said Larry.

 

“I’m stress-eating,” said Mick.

 

“Giz one,” said Larry.

 

Mick proffered the half-eaten packet of chocolate-covered Malted Milks to Larry. Larry, finding he was inexplicably ravenous, took three.

 

“So?,” said Mick.

 

“What?,” said Larry, around a mouthful of chocolate-covered Malted Milks.

 

“Where have you been?,” said Mick. “I’ve been worried...”

 

“Yes, sick, you said,” said Larry. “To be honest,” he continued; “I have no idea,” he concluded (inconclusively).

 

“Oh,” said Mick. “Well I killed all the Grondlefish.”

 

“Pah,” said Larry. And immediately regretted it.

 

[ fin ]