Pontiff

His swirling robes tickled his knees and swept up dust from the floor, which made him sneeze. The Sneezing Pope of Pashmina, they would call him, only he wasn't from Pashmina, it just sounded better than The Sneezing Pope of Hagley. But he didn't want to be any kind of pope. There he was, playing Zelda, when suddenly a swirling portal had opened before him and pulled him into a life of dedication, adoration and pontification.

 

Swirling.

 

He scratched his knees.

 

 

Who could he ask?

 

He was lost.

 

He presumed he was somewhere in the Vatican, some secret place known only to popes. Maybe an atrium, but then he realised he didn't know what an atrium was, just that he had seen them in The Da Vinci Code or something. But no sooner had he realised that he was surrounded by a mere abstraction of stone and candles, than a portal appeared again and transported him to a mount.

 

***

 

It wasn't pleasant. It was hot and dry and dusty, and his knees itched like mad.

 

"He is come!" said the people surrounding the mount, pointing and tugging on their beards in exultation.

 

"Erm..." said Tony (the pope/messiah).

 

"Speak to us!" said the people.

 

Tony opened his mouth to say something spiritually profound, but before his utterances could form the basis of a new religion, the portal appeared. Again.

 

***

 

A desert.

 

"Bugger."

 

A burning bush.

 

"Oh c'mon."

 

Portal.

 

***

 

He wasn't a churchy person, but he was starting to recognise the pattern. But why? To what purpose? Would he recognise God if he saw Him?

 

***

 

A tomb.

 

A carpenter's workshop.

 

A big cathedral.

 

A crucifixion (he could have done without that one).

 

A parting sea.

 

A fish shop.

 

***

 

And back to Zelda.

 

***

 

"But what was the point?" said Tony.

 

"The purpose of your journey will rise within you upon the rising of the sun," said God.

 

"Really?"

 

"Nah, I was just bored."

 

Tony shook his nunchuck. And with a blinding flash, he was One with the Universe.