Pyramid Sales

 

The Egyptian queen Flhambey picked up her ankh and gave it a lick. "Mmm," she said; "strawberry." Then she popped it back in the plastic pot and called for her servants.

 

"Servants!" she said.

 

"Yes, O Queen?" said the servants.

 

"Fetch my slaves!"

 

"Yes, O Queen..."

 

The servants scurried off (like cockroaches, thought the queen) and the slaves entered.

 

"Yes, O Great and Marvellous Queen, Flower of the Nile and Tamer of the Wild and Impetuous Sands of-"

 

"Whatevs," said Flhambey. "I've been thinking..."

 

"Your thoughts," said the slaves, "are like Nectar dripping from the Great Palm Tree that graces the-"

 

"That doesn't even make sense," said the queen. "Anyway, I can't talk to you when you're like this. Fetch the Royal Undertaker!"

 

"Yes, O Queen," said the nine-hundred-and-forty-two slaves, as they scurried off like scarabs on a baking tray.

 

"Remind me to sack those slaves," said the queen to her attendant.

 

"Yes, O Queen," said the attendant.

 

"And make sure you get a full refund!"

 

"Yes, O Qu-"

 

"Yeah okay... Is the Royal Undertaker here yet?"

 

The Royal Undertaker arrived. He was as camp as a tent peg - adorned, as he was, in a little gold skirt that looked two sizes too small, a tight gold vest and shoes made of the reformed carapaces of scorpions. He also wore a jewel-festooned headdress, made of rainbow-dyed feathers and snake skins, and he skipped-sauntered lightly into the throne room like a sentient cloud attempting to impress the judges on Strictly Come Dancing.

 

"OMG," said Queen Flhambey. "Do you have to be quite so...?"

 

"Fabulous?" suggested the Royal Undertaker, as he flung himself to one knee and gave the queen a full dose of jazz hands.

 

"Not quite what I was thinking," said the queen. "Get up, you idiot, I need to ask you something."

 

"What is it, O Queen?"

 

"I want to know how much it will be for a new pyramid."

 

"What's wrong with the old one?"

 

"S'rubbish. Much too cramped. I'm planning on dying soon and I've got much more stuff than I thought."

 

"Maybe you need a sort through."

 

"What are you on about?"

 

"A clear out. A purge. A declutter."

 

"You mean get rid of stuff?"

 

"Yes, O Queen."

 

"Heresy!" said the queen. "Throw him in the Nile!"

 

"In denial?" said her attendant.

 

Queen Flhambey gave her attendant a look.

 

"Throw the Royal Undertaker in the Nile!" said the Royal Attendant.

 

The Royal Undertaker screamed like a girl all the way to his doom.

 

...

 

The queen sat with her attendant, as they supped yak's milk and perused a pyramid catalogue.

 

"This yak's milk is awful," said the queen. "Do we have tea?"

 

"Darjeeling or Lapsang Souchang?" said her attendant.

 

"Actually I've just remembered," said the queen, "I never drink tea."

 

"Nefertiti?" said her attendant.

 

The queen gave her attendant a look.