The Terrible Tale of Mr Bear

 

"Ted!" said his boss. "Stop fiddling with yourself and get on with your work!"

 

Ted scowled and tapped furiously on the keyboard, looking forward to tomorrow's post.

 

***

 

"Ted!" said Mr Scruntin (the boss). "Get over here, it's Secret Santa time!"

 

Fuck me, thought Ted, as he looked forward to the most excrutiating half hour of festive frivolity and forced grins on the corporate calendar.

 

***

 

"Here you go, Ted..." said Sandy the Secretary, as she handed him a suspicious package.

 

"I bet that's not the first 'suspicious package' you've had in your hands today, Ted!" said Trevor in Accounts.

 

Jesus, thought Ted, as he started to tear off the cheap, gaudy wrapping paper.

 

***

 

 

Ted put the item on the dining room table. Although the 'Santa' who had gifted him the object was 'Secret,' Ted had no doubt as to the identity of such.

 

"Bob D. Scruntin MD," he said, then he removed the sledgehammer from the brown paper packaging and applied many destructive blows.

 

***

 

Before destroying the item, he had taken a photo on his phone. Sitting on the train, he looked at the photo. It truly was horrible. A 'jack-in-the-box,' with a skull's head and obscene jiggling breasts. Tacky, nasty... and yet no doubt ridiculously expensive.

 

He attached the photo to a text message, saved the message in Drafts and patted the large duffle bag beside him.

 

***

 

"Late again, Ted!"

 

"Sorry boss."

 

"Final warning, Ted!"

 

"Yes boss."

 

"Now get your hand out of your pocket and-... ooh a text."

 

Ted unzipped the duffle bag.

 

"Is this from you, Te-?"

 

He felt the impact of the sledgehammer milliseconds after he heard Sandy the Secretary scream at the sight of his brains spraying in a not-so-festive gout onto the tinsel.

 

***

 

To: Bob D. Scruntin MD

From: T.Bear

Message: Really?

 

***

 

 

In another world - a sicker world - the photo and text message would have been sent to moonpig.com and made into a Christmas/New Year card. This was not that world. It did do the rounds of the prison, though.

 

***

 

"Ted!" said Rob the Wifekiller, as he handed him a folded bit of toilet paper on which was scrawled the word, Really? and a drawing of an obscene jack-in-the-box. "Merry Christmas."

 

"Thanks Rob."

 

"Secret Santa time, Ted."

 

"OK Rob."

 

Ted started unscrewing a leg off the bed with his fingernail.

 

 

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