The Thin Blue (White) Line

There wis nae movement when we got there. Nothing that wis immediately apparent anyway. We’d hud a shout oer the radio aboot a suspected burglary takin place at a tool hire company in some fuckin decrepit street they try tae pass aff as an industrial estate. Fuckin askin fur it, settin up business there if ye ask me.

Ah wis rattlin by this point. Ah’d done a fourteen hour shift the night afore an went straight oot efter an goat oan it efter stoppin by that fuckin balloon Murdoch’s shitehole ay a gaff an gettin another quarter aff him. The slimy cunt tried tae get aw arsey aboot me still owin him fae the last time but ah telt him, ‘ye’ll get yer money’. Ah’m no wan ay his fuckin scumbag punters, ah’m a fuckin pivitol part ay his shambolic operation.

He widnae huv an operation if it wisnae fur me. Ah’ve kept him wide tae any interest in his activities fae us fur fuckin years noo.

A reciprocity ah call it. Tae masel, mind. That thick cunt widnae know whit the word means. It’s an arrangement ay mutual benefit tae baith ay us. Ah gie him a heids up when the situation arises an he gies me information aboot anythin ah should know aboot. Rival dealers, small time fuckin haufwits in the area that ur takin business away fae him, he gies me names an where they’re operatin an ah make sure we’re there at the right time tae jail the cunts.

They think ah’m the fuckin bee’s knees at the station, the amount ay fuckin bams ah’ve brought in an goat a conviction fur. It’s a fuckin results driven business, an as long as ah’m dain the business they useless cunts further up the chain ur happy. For the large part anywaiy. They didnae like how ah haundled the three wee cunts we lifted the other week there. Excessive force they said, an entirely disproportionate tae the alleged crime. Put some fuckin daft cunt straight oot the College tae shadow me as punishment.

Ah sent the young boiy ah had oot wae me roon the back ay the buildin tae check fur any signs ay a break in so ah could batter oot a line. Ah told him ah’d check oot the front ay the premises an tae radio if he needed me. Stupit wee prick looked like he wis gonae shit himsel. He looked fur a minute like he wis gonae question ma order but must’ve thought better ay it.  Just as well, ah wis in nae mood fur backchat.

Ah goat the gear oot ma pocket an poured oot a bit mare than ah’d meant tae oan tae the back ay a folder that wis in the glovie. Ah fucked it intae wan big line an rattled it. Nae point in fuckin aboot.

It hit the back ay ma throat makin me gag fur a second or two until its anaesthetic properties kicked in an the buzz came oan.

It gave me a kick up the arse, nae doubt. Ah goat oot the motor an took a walk oer tae the buildin tae have a swatch at the windaes an doors.

Ah wis fuckin wired, ma heart goin ten tae the dozen when that wee prick McAndrews came up behind me. ‘Ye better come an take a look at this Guv.’ he said tae me. Fuckin Guv! The daft cunt’s been watchin too much ay The Bill oan the tellie. This is Strathclyde polis, no the fuckin Met. ‘Don’t fuckin sneak up oan cunts like that.’ ah said tae him, tryin tae keep calm but the gear hud me oan edge. Hud tae be done though, nae doubt aboot it. Ah wis like a fuckin burst couch afore that straightener.

 We went roon the back ay the buildin where the gate wis wide open tae the world, wae a chain n padlock lyin oan the grun. ‘See, they’ve used boltcutters tae cut the chain.’ McAndrews said tae me. Fuckin well done Poirot, nae flies oan you. You must’ve been tap ay the class at the Training College.  ‘Aye, right enough. It certainly looks that way.’ ah said tae the cabbage.

‘If you’ll look over here though, they’ve tried to force entry at this fire exit.’ he said, pointing the beam ay his torch at the buildin. ‘See here, and here.  Looks like they’ve tried to jemmy it open.’ Tap marks, usin the auld street lingo fur the tools ay the trade.

‘Yes McAndrews, another astute observation.’ ah said tryin no tae sound sarcastic, ‘Ultimately unsuccessful though, it would seem. I imagine when the alarm went off they would’ve persevered for a short time before legging it, knowing full well we’d be on our way.’ He nodded his heid in agreement as though ah needed the statement validated.

Oor conversation wis interrupted by a motor turnin in the gate, the heidlights fuckin near blindin us. It wis wan ay they American lookin pick-up truck numbers. A wee dumpy lookin prick climbed oot an waddled oer tae us.  ‘I came as quickly as I could - I’m the owner of the business, the alarm is connected to my home address. . . did you catch the bastards?’ he said, the gormless cunt. Does it look like we caught them?

‘Unfortunately not, I’d say the alarm going off spooked them. They’ll be long gone by now.’ ah informed him, like it needed tae be said.

‘Jesus Christ! This isn’t the first time this has happened, do you know that?  Last year they did it, and twice the year before.’

‘Did they get away with anything then?’ ah asked.

‘You should bloody well know, it was you guys that dealt with it. . .’ he said tae me. Ah didnae like the fat bastart’s tone. Whit am ah, a fuckin walkin crime database? Dae ye think ah gie a flyin fuck?  ‘. . . but seeing as you ask, yes they did! My insurance premium is through the roof now and that roller shutter door has been replaced three times due to those bloody animals ramming it with plant to make good their escape with my stock and materials!’ he said, waving his airms aboot like a fuckin wean throwin a tantrum.

‘Well, I’ve got good news for you there sir.’ ah said ‘they’ve not managed to get a single item on this occasion. Your improved security measures are evidently doing the job.’

‘Well, I suppose that’s something. . . but look at the damage to the door frame here. That’s going to need to be replaced.’ he said, running his hand over it lookin like he wis aboot tae burst oot greetin. ‘What’s your course of action now? How are you going to catch the bastards that did this?’

‘Well, to be honest with you sir, the chances of the perpetrators being caught are minimal.’ ah said tae him, tryin ma best no tae smile. It wis hard though, ah’ll tell ye.

‘But. . . you must be able to dust for fingerprints?’ he ventured. Another fuckin expert oan ma hauns here.

‘There’s really no point. You see, the modern criminal, even at this petty level, isn’t stupid. Do you think they’d try an audacious break in like this and not use gloves? Would you?’ ah said, pushin the fat cunt’s buttons. ‘Besides, you’ve just rubbed your hand all over the door frame. It’d be a futile exercise.  No, in this instance what we’ll do is make a report on the crime and if we get any leads, we’ll take it from there.  I’ll leave you in the capable hands of PC McAndrews here, who’ll take some details from you. I have to go back to the patrol car and radio the station regarding another situation I’m dealing with.’

Ah left the gibbering idiot wae McAndrews. Ah’d hud enough ay the cunt.  Besides, ah needed another wee straightener. The last Patsy wis wearin aff an lethargy wis kickin in. There wis aboot hauf a gram there, efter the liberal amount ah’d rattled awready. The waiy it wis goin ah decided ah’d need tae replenish as soon as ah goat aff shift. Ah belted another wee wan up ma beak afore goin back tae get McAndrews so we could get tae fuck oot ay there.